Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #10 – “The Worst Thing”! Maybe that’s what MJ is going to call him by the end of the issue?? In the previous installment, Spider-Man busts up a Wilson Fisk crony gangster hideout for no other reason other than to ask to see Wilson Fisk, and it works! A guy tells him that he’ll be hosting a very important gala and it would be quite horrible, just so sad, if some high school punk tried to sabotage Fisk’s good time. So that’s exactly what he does. And it seems to have not worked very well within literally a minute of breaking into Fisk’s building.

With respect to some side business, MJ asked Peter Parker out on a legitimate date so they can work toward getting their bone on. The Daily Bugle is printing stories that show Spider-Man in a negative light, and, shockingly enough, J. Jonah Jameson wasn’t very responsive to Parker’s protests.

So now that Fat Fisk is in the picture, we can get the ball rolling on some real Sopranos shit. Let’s go!

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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #10 [August, 2001]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“The Worst Thing”

We learn that Spider-Man learns what we already know. And what we already know about what Spider-Man learns (well, we didn’t know that Spider-Man didn’t know it yet, but he learns it now, and we learn that he learns it now) is that he has a Spidey-Sense! And it tingles! And when Wilson “89-Feet-Tall-4,500-Pounds” Fisk approaches him ready to crush the little spider fucker like a, well, like a bug, his Sense Spideys up big time.

So when Fisk asks him menacingly if he can help him, Spider-Man swings around and tries to sucker punch the guy. It doesn’t work. First of all, he’s a million times larger. Second of all, it looks like some sort of force field stops Spider-Man’s punch like a brick wall. Fisk starts crushing the kid’s bony little arm and demands to know who sent him. Of course, Spider-Man is being cute and avoidant about answering, and Fisk ends up crushing one of his web shooters.

It looks like Spider-Man is in grave danger! How is he going to get out of this one?

Well, he breaks free from Fisk’s grip and starts doing zany acrobatics around the room while calling him fat (hey, that’s my turf). Fisk seems politely annoyed by this whole circumstance. “Elektra, take care of this. I have guests.” he says to one of his assistant’s with a genuine look of nonplussedness. After his assistant asks him, AGAIN, to call him Electro instead, “as in, to electrocute this idiot”, Fisk is all like “FINE, WHATEVEEER, JUST TAKE CARE OF IT” and before this dude charges up like that Dragonball Z guy, Spider-Man leaps away! He narrowly misses a bolt of electricity that hits a wall with a sturdy “KRABOOM”, and I know that’s not the first time I’ve seen a ”kraboom” in a comic book.

After plenty of panels of lightning bolts and bouncing spiders, one of Carmen Elektra’s bolts finally connects and the little fucker gets zapped to the floor. Incapacitated, Fisk demands his mask be removed. They don’t recognize Peter Parker, but one of them recognizes Spider-Man as “the little freaky Spider-Dude that was messin’ with Mr. Big the other night”. OooooOOoOoo, “Mr. Big”, eh? Spider-Man was messing with Mr. Big? Sounds positively erotic! Is “Mr. Big” what Fisk calls his-

Huh? Oh yeah, so Fisk asks to get a hold of Mr. Big. “His presence is required.” They then throw the semi-conscious unmasked shrimp out the window. “Find this Carson Daly person and destroy him.” Ha! And guess what, no one gives a flying shit about Carson Daly here at the tail-end of 2021 so I guess Fisk was successful.

A montage of a now-alert Parker falling down and bumping against the side of the building, desperately trying to scramble his way into latching onto something unsuccessfully, that there is an lol for sure.

Shambling home in his extra baggy street clothes, Parker is down on himself for unsuccessfully trying to…I don’t even know what he was trying to do. What the fuck was all this about? I can’t remember anymore. Because he saw Wilson Fisk’s name in the newspaper archives and thought he could single-handedly take him down? Moron. You’re 12. Go watch iCarly and jerk off, son. At least he acknowledges that he was only in the building for 30 seconds, which was the funniest part for me at the end of the last issue. That’s twice as long as I thought! Good for him.

Parker spends a lot of time angsting around on his way home from FAILING, as you can see above. That happens for a while. He eventually gets home, though, to find Aunt May watchin’ her stories. She couldn’t look more miserable and, like, 400 years old.

When he asks her what the fuck her problem is, she asks him so dramatically and over-the-top that even I want to web her right in the face, “Do you like me Peter?”. Peter’s Guilt-Sense starts going haywire! “UH BLUB BLUH BLUUHH BLUB, OF COURSE I DO AUNT MAY! UH BLUBUHUBUH” he says, down on his knees. She twists the knife a little harder: “Not as an aunt or a person who is related to you…just as a person. Do you like me as a person?” And then Peter responds: “GUUUUHHH! AAAAHHH HOOBLOOBLOOLBLOOO! OF COURSE!”.

“Well,” she continues, face like a stretched catcher’s mitt, “you’re never here.” And then she just starts LAYING IT ALL OUT on this 15-year-old, how “life threw them together in this house” and “this isn’t the life we both chose” and “I miss my dead husband WAH!” and all sorts of other baggage. Get a grip, May. Shit’s already hard enough for this little pants-wetter without making him feel worse. So he wants to take down kingpins! That doesn’t mean he hates your guts, you old bat!

Parker wakes up Saturday morning to the ringing phone. He’s got Atlas Shrugged on his desk too and I’m fucking FUMING right now, holy god. Anyway, it’s MJ clearly about to ask him if they were still on for tonight, and Peter, being the worst, asks to blow off the night because his puny little muscles are still aching from falling down a skyscraper. Virgin alert! Hey Peter, you’ve done so many dumb things already, but Christ kid, this is so very goddamned dumb. I’m all riled up over here! I can’t even continue reading this right now! I’m going to pop some Ambien and take a few shots.

OKDSfds93rwefsd wEHERje WAS I?? OH YEAHSA. OK, this little dipshit just blew MJ off for probably the 14th time in 10 issues. And she gives him every opportunity to change his mind too, but he’s not taking the hint. Even after she angrily hangs up on him, Parker doesn’t even think twice. “Gotta make a new mask!” he says, clanging the virgin nerd bell so loudly that even Stan Lee can hear it right now.

Good, we get to spend a few minutes away from Peter Parker right now. Fisk is with his 1920’s gangster cronies holding up the Spider-Man mask. Humphrey Bogart is there, you remember him, right? He’s the one that tipped Parker off to Fisk’s event in the first place. When Fisk says that the little pisser almost ruined his dinner party, Bogart is bold enough to say that Fisk sounds like Martha Stewart talkin’ ‘bout dinner parties and whoozits. Fisk stares him down, the other cronies are uncomfortable, and Bogart keeps on talking: “Seems to me, that maybe you’ve elevated yourself above all us common thugs.”

Fisk is amused, and instructs two of his men to hold Bogart steady for him. Bogart looks like he’s going to poop his stupid pants. He starts stuttering and bargaining as Fisk looms over him. He puts the Spider-Man mask over Bogary, declares “I only get my hands dirty when I really, really want to do it myself.”

Then he crushes the fucker’s head. Kind of like when the Mountain killed Oberyn Martell. Anyone? *crickets*

The headlines the next day announce Fredrick “Mr. Big” Foswell’s sudden departure from the earthly realm. He was found floating in the river, head crushed, wearing the Spider-Man mask, perplexing media and law enforcement alike. BUT YOU AND I? WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. WINK. A detective on the scene is lumping Spider-Man himself into the list of current suspects. Peter Parker, eating cereal in a Ja Rule t-shirt (lol), listens to the news broadcast from his kitchen. He probably pooped his pants harder than Humphrey Mr. Big Bogart.

Monday morning at school, Parker’s class apparently had “listen to the Watergate tapes” as weekend homework, and Parker looks at MJ past the girl who made the sudden “ENOUGH WITH SPIDER-MAN!” outburst in the school cafeteria the other day. While the class chats about that cuddly Nixon character, Parker apologizes to MJ via note-passing. Her dumb ass actually takes his apology. She’s just as dumb as he is. They’re both so fucking dumb.

So we go back to the lesson. The teacher asks the class why Nixon, an obviously paranoid individual, who had his enemies, who was so involved with lawless behavior, would record and document his every move? Peter has a sudden memory of the security camera at Fisk’s Palace of Fat, Lavish Gala Events and replies, under his breath, “…because he thinks he’s untouchable.”

Final Thoughts

Not being too familiar with the story at this point (and I’m not at all certain if the way these events are playing out are part of the Earth-616 canon anyway, don’t forget that this is Earth-1610), I must say that this is very interesting storytelling. Peter Parker’s fool-ass reckless behavior is getting him into major trouble, which is not only hilarious to me, but at least somewhat realistic. Actions have consequences, dipshit. With great power comes great hamburgers! Or whatever it was that Uncle Ben said.

Bye, dorks.