Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #10 – “Dangerous (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Dangerous storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3) Issue #10 – “Dangerous (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, the Danger Room computer brain manifests itself as visions of Zombie Wing and it gleefully torments the trapped students. Nobody dies, but they’re just roughed up a bit! Kitty Pryde attempts to reason with the computer, who thinks it has transcended its programming with the death of Wing.

The X-Men team successfully destroys the computer brain system, but at what cost? …seriously, at what cost? I don’t know! Not yet, anyway, but it sure looks like Zombie Wing wanted this to happen all along.

The Danger Room returns back to its normal dormant state, but I believe the students are still trapped.

And then some giant robot Medusa emerges.

So let’s see what the hell THAT’S all about.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #10 [May, 2005]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Dangerous (Part 4)”

Robot Medusa speaks telepathically with Professor Xaviar aka Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise Minus the Legs! She asks him if she knows who she is and what she wants. He confirms. She asks if he always knew this day would come and if he was ever worried. Before he answers, she answers for him: “Of course not. You only thought of your precious X-Men. Oh, Father…I wish you could see them now.” Professor X (the “X” stands for “SEX”) facepalms like he’s Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Wheelchair.

Robot Medusa faces the team among the ruins of the room. “So. Who’s first?” she asks. Ooooooh, sexy!

Wolverine leaps out at her claws bared, which was the most predictable thing that could’ve happened in her eyes. She stops him with one kick. Scottclops asks what she wants, but Frost says “she wants us dead you fucking dumbass”. Beast then asks the villain why this is happening.

Robot Medusa is on to all of them. She can tell Frost is telepathically guiding Wolverine to circle around behind to catch Medusa off-guard. She knows Beast is asking his question in order to buy time by getting the enemy talking, the biggest trope in all of tropes! Of course, she knows she’s going to buy into it, because she wants to be understood. To THAT I say…wwwhhhhat the fuck for? Who cares about wanting your enemy to understand you?

Look lady, a kitchen stove is designed to be “not me” as well, it doesn’t mean it wants to murder me! Well…maybe it does…

She tells them that they have time for ONE question. Beast jumps in right away and says “explain why you’ve taken this form.” WHICH IS NOT A QUESTION. But she indulges, and as she explains herself very abstrusely using phrases like “I am the space in between” and “becoming anything but being nothing”, her molecules seem to phase in and out of real space. And then she says “I don’t want to kill you, I want to beat you to death.” So, question not really answered. Thanks!

The X-Men start fighting. Cyclops shoots a laser beam at her, but she produces a geodesic dome object out of thin air that diffuses and refracts the beam into everyone else’s eyeballs. That, plus the punching and the kicking and the fighting quite handily alone against five opponents. This is because she has been designed by Professor X to know all of the X-Men very well. “To know them so I can kill them.”

So yes, obviously the Danger Room brain is designed to provide a challenge as training to the students. Well, it’s being taken literally. And dangerously!

All their strengths and weaknesses show up as a readout through her visor. “SHADOWCAT: PHASING DISRUPTS CIRCUITRY”. “BEAST. LAG TIME: 2.6 SECONDS”. “COLOSSUS: MAY CAUSE STRUCTURAL COLLAPSE”. “WOLVERINE: PICKS HIS NOSE AND EATS HIS BOOGERS.” “FROST: KNOWS EVERYONE’S MOST SHAMEFUL SEXUAL FETISHES.” “CYCLOPS: BORING.”

They keep showing Professor X sitting in the middle of some red desert, sweating. Like he’s on Mars. I find that really funny.

That rabbit has stolen my Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator!

Robot Medusa can’t predict everything. Kitty Pryde exhibits aggression. Beast sneaks up behind her and bites her robot snake hair. Colossus knocks her through a wall while she throws Beast out of the way. All these events are unanticipated and cause a measurable amount of lag as she “reroutes” like a goddamn GPS system. “I have made a 7% scenario-flow recalibration error. Their aggression is increased, their responses less coordinated but more effective. They’re not in the Danger Room. They’re in danger.”

Theory vs. Practical, lady. Shit’s always different in real life.

Hide the kids for this one; Frost is getting drilled and she’s not consenting.

Colossus tries to connect a punch, but she blocks it. She’s regained the upper hand! She threatens Frost with a drill to the forehead, but that was only bait to get Cyclops to defend her. He sends a beam blast her way from above, which Medusa blocks with a mirror and sends the beam right under his feet. The structure collapses under him. He gone. “Always his own worst enemy.” thinks Robot Medusa.

The enemy anticipates the next attack by Wolverine and Beast. So much upper hand! She’s got hand, Jerry!

At S.W.O.R.D., agents are evaluating an aerial shot of the school grounds. There’s a goddamned smoking, crashed airplane lodged into the side of the building. One agent “senses destruction”. “Really. You sure? You don’t wanna look at the photo of the enormous destruction some more before you such a bold statement?” says Agent Brand acidly. She asks another agent the status of the mole, and the mole is reportedly trapped in the Danger Room with the kids.

S.W.O.R.D. needs more team-building laser tag outings.

Syrden is a seer of sorts? The weird, mythic, reptile creature senses a new, non-human presence in the building. Brand finds this curious, and intends to drop by Professor Xavier’s School of Torturing Children for a wellness visit.

Robot Medusa is still serving the X-Men their asses on a platter with lemon, parsley (and other fine herbs), and a nice raspberry reduction. Frost is tearing away chunks of concrete looking for Cyclops, but Pryde is already hoisting him on her own shoulders and chastising Frost for not focusing on the enemy (who, presumably, they’ve already fought “a thousand times”).

Using your own teammates as projectile weapons is a solid strategy.

Frost tells her to fuck off in terms that are only SLIGHTLY more nice, which prompts Colossus to throw Frost against the Robot Medusa, taking them both out for a spell. “Normally, I wouldn’t have done that.” says Colossus in a manner that suggests he would do it quite normally if necessary. Pryde looks speechless.

Special Agent Brand converses with Ord, who finds the current situation over at Professor Xavier’s School of Fostering Mutant Achievements not at all noteworthy. Ord, you may remember, also wants to destroy the X-Men, but confirms that Robot Medusa is not affiliated with him simply because killing the mutants is “not a privilege he plans to share”. Brand herself says that he job is to protect the planet from destruction with minimum bloodshed, so “if we’re lucky, someone’s doing my job for me.”

Robot Medusa is still patting herself on the back for having the upper hand! Cyclops isn’t breathing, and Pryde attempts to perform CPR. Robo observes that Pryde must remain solid to help him, and after throwing Colossus against Pryde, she throws a giant, sharp spear-like chunk of debris and impales both of them right through their abdomens.

Shit, it’s gonna take a lot of Mederma Advanced Scar Gel to remove that mark.

Only Frost is left standing; she gears up to throw a punch. Robo Medusa tells her that she’s not actually going to throw that punch, she’s going to return to her fleshy human form and allow defeat. To this, Frost says “And why would I do that, you stupid metal bint?”, and Robo Medusa answers that she knows the truth and whispers something in her ear.

Frost returns to her fleshy human form and allows defeat.

With the X-Men eliminated, Robo Medusa reaches out to PROFESSOR SEX and tells him completion is next. He assumes that she means his death, and declares that she has miscalculated this time. Because, she may have already fought the X-Men a thousand times…