Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #3 – “Memento”! In the previous installment, Supergirl kicks Superman’s ass for 20 pages and it’s the most fun I’ve had reading a comic book in my entire life.

That’s it. You’re caught up.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #3 [January, 2012]
Written by: Michael Green & Mike Johnson
“Memento”

I hope Supergirl’s horror upon learning that Krypton has exploded leads to more of her slamming Superman through other various major world landmarks! I guess a stranger, who claims to be your baby cousin, informing you that your home planet is gone and everyone you ever loved is dead might be justifiable cause to fuck up the messenger. That’s my opinion, at least. Too bad it won’t likely happen anymore. Supergirl seems to have calmed down for now.

She says she wants to laugh about all of this, like it’s some crazy jokey joke time, but “there’s something in his voice. Like he can only ever tell the truth.” Ah, perhaps she is commenting upon the wooden acting of Christopher Reeve! I agree! But he’s dead now, and so is your entire family!

But no, there’s still some fight left in her and I’m starting to get bored. How many times can they really go back and forth like this? I’ve got chili cooking on the stove! I don’t have time! Supergirl demands proof. How is she really supposed to go by his word? Superman is not smart, he doesn’t know more things than anyone else in the room at any given moment.

Surely there must be a record of her family somewhere, right? If she survived inexplicably, then they must have too! Wrong! No record! It doesn’t make sense that you’re here on Earth and you haven’t aged a day while your infant cousin is now, like, 49.

Yeah right, honey. Do I look like I’m smart enough to pull off a plot like that? I can’t even tie my own shoes.

She’s had enough! Bah! Pah! “I’m going back to find my pod. I’m getting off this planet and I’m going to find the truth.” she spits at him, but he is like “no way, honey, I’m a man and I need to protect you now.” Superman then changes the subject by pretending to hear calls for distress off in the distance, so now she has to come with him to help! Supergirl asks why the fuck she has to come help, and his answer is something along the lines of “Because we’re powerful here! We must help!” It’s like, thanks Mr. Morals. Maybe I want to eat Funyuns and watch Buffy Season 3, which is one of the better seasons. It has the Mayor.

And Supergirl, she’s like “Help THEM? What about KRYPTON? What about ME?!”, and Superman reminds her, in case she forgot, that Krypton exploded and everyone she loves is dead. Supergirl says “fuck off, hoser” and starts flying away to find her pod. Superman uses is special yellow-sun-enhanced telepathic powers to tell her that he can still talk to her no matter how far away she flies (haha, great), and that she better start lightening up fast or this world’s gonna eat you alive.

In no time at all, Supergirl finds her Siberian impact site. The pod, though, is gone. Someone took it. Someone took the pod. Someone was like “I want this pod.”

She loses a modicum of hope, but then some flying metal orb swoops in and clicks on a hologram for her to watch. Oooh, a movie. Let’s see what the feature presentation is!

This guy looks like a total douchebag. Some real Armie Hammer gettin’ swindled by Mark Zuckerberg energy.

Yuck, a guy named Simon Tycho? Pass.

Simon Tycho speaks English, and Supergirl doesn’t speak English. No one in Siberia speaks English. He blah-blah-blahs in English about watching the skies and keeping track of anything that falls to the Earth’s surface, from space rocks to Kryptonian teenagers. Tycho catches on that she can’t understand his mofo ass, so his hologram shows her a scale model of the pod that was taken from the crater. He explains, in English, that the pod is safe, but her internal monologue doesn’t trust this cracker whatsoever. And she can throw him pretty far, so that idiom wouldn’t work in this case.

Simon Tycho wants to continue this conversation elsewhere, so he goads her into following his cute metal orb. They both launch into space where Supergirl is led to a space station. Tycho’s current home. He’s gonna continue Englishing at her. I hope she throws his ass through the wall and straight into Jupiter.

We find out that Simon Tycho is the unseen man from the end of Issue #2. He was happy about an artifact that was retrieved from Supergirl’s pod (it looked like a dildo). He stole Supergirl’s dildo. That’s not cool at all, man.

Tycho is talking to his assistant, Miss Thorn, about Supergirl’s possible connection with Superman. “Is she related to Superman somehow? Sister? Maybe an ex-girlfriend? Seems a little young for that.” Tycho muses while Thorn is bored. Thorn announces Supergirl’s arrival onto the space station.

They have her stand in a large docking station, with the endless space behind her. They start bombarding her with laser-shooting robot butterflies! Certainly! The lasers heat up the room to 1000 degrees Celsius, but Thorn points out that Supergirl’s body temperature is exponentially higher – higher than can be produced with the butterflies, like it’s building up from within her. Supergirl gets pissed off and crunches a butterfly with her hand.

Nah, let’s keep going. I’ll kill this whole station in the name of *checks notes* …”scientific discovery”.

With Thorn being the voice of reason, Tycho calls off the butterflies before shit explodes like, you know, a Supergirl Home Planet! Supergirl realizes that she was heating up too fast to not be dead right now, and that’s weird! This is all good stuff. Very essential experimenting going on. A lot is being learned here.

Tycho moves on. “Send in the Brain.” he demands, even after Thorn insists that the Brain is still in its experimental phase. It turns out to be a creepy, squishy, translucent humanoid thing. It goes “shlorrp” and Supergirl has a tough time with it. While she keeps trying to punch this walking sack of goo, Tycho gets a phone call from the United States president. And he’s all snippy about it, too. He’s like “I’m busy, cuntface.”

Let this be a lesson. Wait until college before getting shlorrped.

Meanwhile, Supergirl is trying not to get completely absorbed by this squishy bitch. Tycho yells at the president, tells him he’s stupid and hangs up. “God, America’s annoying.” he pouts, and returns his attention back to Supergirl vs. the Brain. The Brain is winning, and he’s put out a bit: “…I’m disappointed in our cute new find.”

Supergirl’s getting all sorts of suffocated by this blob, but she doesn’t give up. She builds up a ton of strength and blasts them both through the wall of the space station, out into the vacuum of space! That’ll do it! The Brain wasn’t built to withstand space! Take that, Brain! You just got skullfucked.

With that pesky dingus out of the way, Supergirl returns to her original mission of finding her pod. Remember in Issue #2 when she had x-ray vision for a few seconds and freaked the absolute fuck out? Well, she tries to deliberately channel that power again. Now that she’s outside the space station, floating around, she concentrates on the walls to see if she can spot her pod. She finds it right away. Cool.

Next she laser-eyeballs her way through the wall to make her way to the pod. It looks like a geode. She stares at it and goes “huh…so what’s all this then?! OI!”. Did her father make this piece of shit and launch her to Earth? So many questions! Well, just the one, actually.

Supergirl reaches out to touch it, but the veins in her hands start glowing this strange yellowish hue. She screams and collapses in front of the pod.

Ahh, I see you’re praying. Don’t mind me.

Tycho tells her, in English, that he suspected this yellowish substance leaking from the pod was fuel. She looks sick as a dog. “Don’t worry, we’ll take care of you. Believe me…” he grins FIENDISHLY, “I have your best interests at heart.”

Final Thoughts

YEAH YEAH YEAH, KRYPTONITE. I GET IT.