Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #2 – “Reunion”! In the previous installment, Supergirl crash lands (so to speak) in Russia from space. She was in a dang meteorite! She doesn’t know what happened, how she got there, why, when, where, who, how, what, when, why, what, and where. Well, she knows who she is. But the rest is a mystery.

Some army fucks in robot suits terrorize her for about 15 pages, but she kicks all their asses by accident because she’s on the yellow sun planet or something. I still don’t know the whole mythology there. Before the robot suit army men bring her in, Superman shows up to save the day! Like a man.

So there’s much more to learn. I hope Superman stays out of it, though. That guy kinda sucks, actually.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #2 [December, 2011]
Written by: Michael Green & Mike Johnson
“Reunion”

LOOK AT THAT COVER! Best cover I’ve seen yet! FUCK HIS ASS UP, KARA! BREAK ALL HIS PERFECT TEETH!

Flashback to three days before the events of Issue #1. Kara “Supergirl” Travolta-Zeta-Jones is angsty because she has to babysit her infant cousin Kal-El instead of studying for her trials like she should be. But, obviously, it’s all a smokescreen! She’d rather procrastinate on those anyway. Whatever they are.

Once she passes her trials, she’ll get to wear her family crest (probably a dumb Letter ‘S’ affair) and take on all the responsibilities that come with it (probably beating people up). She looks at her drooling cousin and realizes, in awe, that he’ll do the same someday.

“Kal-El” is Superman’s name, right?

So Supergirl is older than Superman? I thought she was an illegitimate daughter or something. A product of some one-night stand bonin’? Guess not.

Now, she’s on Earth, three days later, looking her cousin in the face. He looks 40. She’s all in a tizzy. Like she didn’t have enough weird stuff going on in the immediate present to worry about on top of this.

Superman asks who she is, and Supergirl turns the tables. She DEMANDS to know who HE is and WHY he’s wearing the FAMILY CREST! He tells her to calm down (dumb move, dummy), and she tells him to go eat a bag of chicken necks! “Don’t tell me what to do!” she yells, and asks again where she is, how she got here, and where the rest of her family is.

<And you can go <suck> a <<dick>>, you horrible man!>

Superman turns the tables now. HE wants to know why SHE’S wearing the family crest.

You get the picture. This goes on for a bit of time. She finally backs off and answers the question: “I am Fleep Florp of Planet Blurt Blizz”. That’s basically what I see here. I hate the Superman naming conventions. “I’m Kara Zor-El! From Argo City! On Krypton!” she hisses, looking like angry Maria Bamford. Pretty uncanny, actually.

Supergirl tells him that she doesn’t know what the hell is going on. She woke up here, these machines started attacking, now her eyesight and hearing is all out of whack. Superman, not a fan of believing women, says “Impossible…”, but starts opening his mind to the possibility that this girl is his older cousin. SO HE STARTS HITTING ON HER!! HA HA! WELCOME TO KENTUCKY!

No, ok, he fishes for more information to confirm her identity. He admits to her that he is Kal-El, son of Jor-El and Lara. Nice to see ya again! She doesn’t take this well, screams “LIAR!” and pops him right in the face. The blow sends him flying 50 feet, plowing through a few tree trunks along the way. “…ouch.” he grimaces.

What’s Kara gonna do next? Spit in the wind? Mess around with Jim?

But Supergirl’s not done yet. She tugs on Superman’s cape, against the advice of Jim Croce, and kindly informs him (read: yells at him while throwing him around some more) that Kal-El is a baby! A baby that, three days ago, she was holding in her arms! Bitch! Take that, bitch ass! “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM!” she screams, breaking a few more trees with his…uh, bulk.

Off in the distance, far from the woods where the “BOOOM” and “KRAKK” sounds of Superman getting thoroughly destroyed rattle the crisp air, a couple of those soldiers assess the crazy situation. One soldier has checked in as ok after being punched to Mongolia by this skinny 103-lb firecracker! Nobody was expecting these ultrastrong weirdos to show up. “We secured the primary target from the crater. The girl can wait.” says one of them. Not sure yet who the primary target is. I hope it’s Jon Hamm.

It’s really funny how Superman is just getting his ass all torn up. Supergirl all up in that ass. While he’s on the ground getting his face pummeled, getting yelled at because Kal-El is a baby, she freaks out because she can suddenly see her bones. I’m not kidding.

I guess she doesn’t have X-Ray vision on Krypton. She thinks that’s weird and unsettling and stops punching Superman long enough for him to hoist his limp heft off of the snowy ground.

We can all see our bones, lady. Welcome to Earth.

He starts mansplaining X-Ray vision to her. Just one of the many new awesome features the yellow sun brings to a Kryptonian individual. Same thing happened to him, you see, but it took longer than 45 minutes for it all to happen to him. So now it’s his turn to be weird and demanding! “How did you get here?” he asks, and I seem to remember her already asking this to HIM. In fact, she did, right after “Don’t tell me what to do!”. Superman ain’t smart, my friends. Don’t let anyone say otherwise.

Supergirl thinks to herself that this douche’s accent doesn’t sound authentic. Like he learned Kryptonian from a textbook. Fuck this guy.

So she lunges at him again. He’s had enough of that and finally grabs her and throws her a few thousand feet up in the air. She doesn’t like the taste of her own bitter medicine! As she hurtles toward the cosmos, she realizes that she’ll now either escape orbit or plummet back to the ground with a wet thud. She does neither. She floats in the clouds, mesmerized by her flying powers.

But, as soon as she thinks too hard about it, she starts falling back to Earth. Superman catches her, still up in the clouds, and tells her that it’s time to talk. No more time for games.

But fuck that! She punches him again! Holy Hell, dude.

Get KRAKed, nerd!

After a few more panels of tussling, Supergirl decides to try to get away from this loser instead of fighting back. She needs to find her pod, the one she came in, to see if she can fly back home somehow. As she flies around the Great Wall of China, WE THE AUDIENCE KNOW that she’s nowhere near her landing site, but SHE DOESN’T KNOW! LOL! Gotta be from Earth to appreciate it, I guess!

As she flies around the Great Wall, wondering what kind of “ruins” they could be, she bumps face first into Superman again. That guy just won’t leave well enough alone, will he? He tries again to reason with her. “If you are who you say you are, I can help you.” he bargains, “But the more you fight, the less I believe you.” And, at this, she finally gives in. “Okay…but…the thing is…”

Psyche! She throws his ass through the Great Wall. “I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP!” And he hurtles through the wall 15 times over. Every time the wall curves back into his path, he blasts right through it. It’s fantastic. This is my favorite issue of anything I’ve read so far! Make a note of that.

Supergirl starts thinking to herself about what her father told her about General Zod. About his plans to create a new kind of soldier. Perhaps this maniac is one of them? Could be. She sees his shadow looming toward her and prepares to fight again, but it turns out to be a man and his child scrambling around the wreckage of the wall. She notices a whole bunch of other people starting to group around the damage, and she realizes now that she has destroyed a part of their home.

Wimp.

And then she’s all “I’M A MONSTEEER!” like Buster Bluth.

And Superman, always taking the moral high ground like an asshole tells her that they will no longer fight before there are too many innocent lives at stake here. At last, the angsty teenager calms the fuck down and allows Supertramp to show her how great a place the Earth is (pfft). He talks about Worldkillers, a group of warriors I’m not aware of that were a threat to Krypton before they were no longer a threat to Krypton anymore for some reason. He lets her know that, on Planet Earth, with that yellow sun, they have the strength of Worldkillers…and they must be careful. Ergo, stop throwing people through Great Walls.

She’s like “Why don’t you go back to Krypton, ya dummy?”, and Superman makes a face like Mr. Horse from Ren & Stimpy and tells her that the planet done blowed up real good. That shit sucks, I guess, if you like your planet and everything. Frankly, Earth could use a little bit of the Krypton treatment. It would do it some good.

Elsewhere, at some unknown research center, a woman approaches an unseen man to let him know that the “artifact” they retrieved from the “pod” is “safe to handle now”. He is happy about this and holds up the artifact.

It looks like a big red dildo.

Final Thoughts

lmao