In the United States, the average salary for a newspaper comic strip artist today is $51,650, with the range between $10,545 – $263,465. That’s a huge spread. I like to think the artist making $263,465 is Peter Gallagher of Heathcliff, and he’s making $200,000 more than the next-highest paid artist.

I also like to think that the Marmaduke guy and the Blondie guy have to split the $10,545.

Sally Forth

The worst part about being a responsible adult is the awareness of just how little of one’s sad, anxious existence comprises of unadulterated free time. Take my life, for instance. I have a career and a family. I spend exactly twenty minutes a day doing what I want to do, and even then I don’t entirely know if I’m doing exactly what I want to do anyway. I’ve fantasized about downloading Portal for my Xbox 360 for the last six months. One of these days I might do it when I have the time, and I’ll find out it’s not what I wanted to do at all.

Sally might not be spending her hour fantasizing about downloading Portal for her Xbox 360, but at least she knows what she wants: an hour on the couch with Ted fucking gone. Get the fuck out of there Ted. Go find a mistress to bang or something. Jesus Christ, why does a family have to have people in it? Criminy.

Garfield

I’m old enough to remember that Jon Arbuckle was originally terminally single. I guess Liz the Veterinarian has been dating Jon since 2006? Holy cow. Their relationship is old enough to have its own driver’s license.

So that means there’s almost two decades of Liz putting up with both Jon’s and Garfield’s shit, which can’t be easy. That’s a full-time job. And you know that, in about 20 minutes, Liz is going to have to help Jon extract himself from the giant, gooey marshmallow that he’ll inevitably accidentally fall into. His flesh will be 96% covered in third-degree burns. Maybe then she’ll finally break up with him.

Daddy Daze

I suppose I always assumed the mom from Daddy Daze was dead, but I guess it makes way more sense that the couple is divorced. Every time I read what this guy has to say, he seems desperate for the attention. Like, he gets bit by his kid and the first thing he thinks to speak about out loud when he has an audience is his family’s history of terrible people. And he’s proud of it too.

So if lying, cheating, and swindling runs in the family, which combination of three do you think resulted in the divorce? Now there’s a topic for rich Daddy Daze discussion.