*BREAKING NEWS*
Thursday, August 24, 2028
[Year 57 AM (After Musk)]

It is with a heavy heart that we must announce the passing of Elon Reeve Musk, founder and CEO of SpaceX, CEO of Tesla, and co-founder of RoganCorp and NippleClamps Inc., at the tender age of 57.

Our Free Speech Savior, circa 1999 (Year 28 AM), looking bald as shit.

Elon Musk was born in Pretoria, South Africa, on June 28, 1971 (Year 1 AM). He is survived by his wife Grimes 2.0, his mother Maye, his siblings Tosca and Kimbal, and his 43 children. Musk’s father, Errol, perished in a Tesla Model X accident caused by hooking his testicles up to the 4,500 kWh lithium ion battery in 2025 (Year 54 AM). This ironic debacle caused the recall of over 24,000 Model X vehicles that were missing the built-in energy dampener for the testicle stimulation module.

Elon Musk has undoubtedly broken cultural barriers and single-handedly inspired people all over the world, of all walks of life, of varying races, creeds, values, experiences, and beliefs, to come together with one unified ideology: that Elon Musk was hyperactive and volatile as hell. We all remember his appearance on the Joe Rogan podcast in September, 2018 (Year 47 AM), where he smoked a joint and made a funny face! We all reveled in the endless amount of GIFs! Joe Rogan, unfortunately, was not available for comment as he has been occupied with marketing his own testicle stimulation module as a symbolic shrine to our fallen hero.

Elon Musk’s May 8, 2021 (Year 50 AM) Saturday Night Live appearance was described by some loyalists as “awkward”, “amoral”, and “holocaustic”.

And who could forget the infamous Twitter deal from 2022 (Year 51 AM)? Fervent Musk followers may recall the equivocating dipshit spent months and months wreaking havoc for high-profile Twitter executives, employees, celebrity users, shareholders, political activists with 4 followers, and Russian spambots. Oh, the fun we all had watching, in real-time, this grown man shake things up by jerking everyone around for his own amusement! Certainly, we all remember the eventual culmination of this event in 2023 (Year 52 AM), brought upon by Musk becoming quite bored with the charade and moving on to incite panic and unease from officials and customers who were financially connected to GameStop by threatening to purchase the company for $107 billion and personally urinate on every Xbox Series X over the course of the next several years.

Fast forward to 2026 (Year 55 AM). It was a big year for Ol’ Musky (as the closest, most trusted advisers and council members in his inner circle would call him behind his back and out of earshot). After amassing a large following via his many explosive and incoherent Twitter ramblings and misspellings, Musk purchased a 4 km² island off the coast of Papua New Guinea for $650 and put out his single most infamous tweet on May 12, 2026 (Year 55 AM):

By June, hundreds of thousands of loyal followers flocked to the sweltering hot, equatorial shanty town. Packed into fourteen-story windowless high-rises that would have eventually given the Surfside condominium collapse a run for its money (seriously, floors were basically cobbled together with rubber cement and particle board), living spaces would be occupied by four or more full families. And we’re not talking small families, either. Elon Musk proved to be very popular with American conservative Catholics and polygamous households in Burkina Faso, so many families contained upwards of 75 individual members. Workers were known to cram people into into these tiny apartment-like hovels using those huge joust sticks from American Gladiators.

Muskism lead to a movement comprising a deafeningly loud minority of believers. It was like, come on. They put an endless amount of effort into appeasing their leader, ranging from giving him all the attention that he so very, very craved like water or oxygen, to even reinventing a new calendar system that placed Year 1 at the year of his birth (Year 1 AM, “After Musk”). Certainly, 97.6% of the Earth’s 45,000,000,000+ population didn’t agree to such a drastic idolization of Elon Musk, but since I’m currently being held at gunpoint, forced to reference the Muskian calendar in this very article by a high-ranking loyalist within the Muskian sect, I can’t complain too much!

Even though Elon Musk had never actually visited his island settlement (which, reportedly, was rife with pedophilia anyway), the colony’s population is planning to pay tribute to Musk, without interruption, for the next 750,000,000,000 years. This number is significant to his followers, as it’s the amount of dildos Musk had purchased on Craigslist in the three weeks before his death.

Elon Musk loved The Muppet Show as a child, and would often impersonate his favorite Muppets well into adulthood.

Elon Musk died after overdose complications relating to the injection of fentanyl into his ballsack. His last documented words were “more please”. He leaves no money to Grimes 2.0 or his 43 children. As a last will and testament, Musk’s fortune of $875T, tied into bank accounts, stocks, bonds, property, investments, hedge funds, gambling rings, GameStop promo codes, and a vault replete with millions of freeze-dried White Castle hamburgers, was fully liquidated, converted into 875 trillion one-dollar bills, stuffed into a rocket. The rocket was then launched into orbit around Mars. Per his last will and testament, anyone who is able to obtain the money has full rights of ownership. “Go for it,” scrawled in a tweet, were Musk’s final written words.

There will be no funeral service held for public attendance…or private, for that matter. No one wants to bother with it.

Mazel Tov! The world lost a champion. Godspeed, Ol’ Musky. We know you’re smiling up at us right now.