Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #103!

Archie (Vol. 1) , Issue #103 [August, 1959]

”Pool Sharks”

Archie and Jughead are preparing for an afternoon in Veronica Lodge’s pool! Nothing says “keen” like “chlorine”, I always say. When they get there, they both get an eyeful of a rather cut Mr. Lodge skimming the pool in his short pants. He’s trying to get algae out of the water and he looks super pissed off over nothing in particular. He’s all shaking and shit. I want to throw a turd at him.

Archie and Jughead are so eager to help Mr. Lodge skim the algae that they accidentally knock his flappy ass into the pool. “Don’t worry, boys!” he says, suddenly not mad even though something happened that would actually make him mad. “I’ve swallowed all the algae!”

OH MR. LODGE, YOU CARD. Veronica walks out to the pool in her best breast-supporting red one piece and shoves the boys off into the house to change into their own swimsuits! Meanwhile, Mr. Lodge decides to varnish the underside of his diving board, which doesn’t seem like a real thing that people need to do at all! He has to do it by hanging from the board by a rope, which is a dumb thing to do right at the moment since Archie and Jughead have returned in their skimpy swimsuits and are hankerin’ to use the diving board!

Mr. Lodge gets dunked into the water, and then quickly rapped on the head about thirty times in succession as the diving board bounces and vibrates.

Sorry, princess. Daddy’s fuckin’ dead.

Mr. Lodge has several lumps on his head and now his brain is swelling inside his skull, slowly killing him. Jughead has the bright idea to untie the rope which holds the concussed Senor Lodge. “YIPE!” bleats Veronica. “J-JUGGY! N-NO!!”

The barely-alive Mr. Lodge gets dunked in the water, where he drowns promptly! “SPLUT!” he says! lol!

Archie calls Jughead an imbecile, which no one argues with, and Mr. Lodge helps himself out of the pool. He’s back to being angry again and not brain damaged (at least not too badly… yet…). “I’m going to spread out this blanket and just rest,” he declares, laying out a gaudy yellow blanket on the grass. “Let me help you, sir,” Jughead says grabbing the blanket and preparing to injure the old man further.

Here’s what happens next, and it’s a diddly doozy! Archie jumps off the diving board so high that he’s about to land on the grass! Isn’t that totally fucked up? “Quick!! Try to catch him in the blanket!” yells Jughead, who takes it upon himself to start running around while Mr. Lodge holds onto the other end for dear life. Then they wrap around a tree and slam into each other, which killed both of them instantly via blunt force trauma to each other’s erect penises.

Now what? Archie landed in a birdbath. This issue is fucking violent, man. “Archie, you almost hit those poor birds!” Veronica says as Archie’s blood pools in the water.

Everyone died. Even Veronica. The end.

”Lil’ Bit of Knowledge”

“How’s your little cousin, Ronnie?”

“Fine, Betty! We’re giving her a birthday party this afternoon!”

“How old is she today?”

“She’s four today – and she can already spell her name backwards!”

“What is her name?”

“Lil!”

Betty gets hit by a truck. The end.

”Fancy Finance”

Jughead gets two dollars for allowance every week, which, in 1959, is enough to put a down payment on a house in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. But Jughead spent $10 on hamburgers this week! What gives?! Well, sir, Jughead sold tickets at a benefit auction for 10 cents a pop. For whose benefit? Jughead’s! And what did he auction? His allowance!

Archie’s brain goes numb with rabies. The end.

”Double Trouble Cross”

Man, I’m really racking these stories up, aren’t I? This one is clearly about betraying your good friends. Let’s watch the action.

Reggie and Jughead witness Archie walking with Big Moose’s girlfriend, Midge, up to her house! “Archie must be nuts!” Jughead says, thinking about nuts now. Reggie likes the idea of Archie getting his fucking ass kicked by Big Moose. Big Moose’s final move is the punisher! It’s where Big Moose attaches a 10” spike to his arm and elbow drops you right into your skull! This is going to be delicious!

The only delightful idea Reggie has is cozying up to the next gloryhole he lays his eyes on.

Reggie bids Jughead farewell so that he can do some snoopy snoopin’ outside Midge’s window.

“Then it’s a date, Midge! My house this afternoon?”

“Oh, yes, Archie! And thanks!”

“Now don’t tell Moose anything! I’ll take care of him!”

Delicious! Caught in the act, motherfucker. Moose is going to chop your little penis clean off. Reggie looks for him ASAP and finds him planting an entire tree in the ground exactly one panel later. Now Moose is king of a moron, because every time he talks there’s a little “(Duh!)” at the beginning. Reggie only has to say “I saw Midge” before Moose wants to snap his twig neck. Some quick thinking on Reggie’s part keeps Moose from pummeling his face into ground sirloin. Reggie points at Archie’s house and goes “there’s your homewrecker, you giant dunce.” Oh, and is Moose ever mad! Remember that time that Midge baked the wrong cookies and Moose beat her so bad she was in a coma for seven weeks?? He’s madder than even that!

Moose breaks the door off its hinges entering Archie’s house where, verily, he finds the two of them setting up a dinner table. “GRR.R!” says Moose, period and all. Archie is surprised by the impending clobbering time! Moose starts swiping around, destroying the house, and making a fracas! He knocks a cake onto the floor, ruining it…

“Happy Birthday Moose – Hey! That’s me!!!” Moose says intuitively. Midge starts crying because Moose ruined the party, and Moose feels just plain awful. It’s not his fault, though! Reggie told him Archie was sticking fingers inside–

“Ooh! I could clobber him!” Midge says, shaking. “He’s spoiled all our plans!” That’s right he did. FUCK Reggie!

The last thing we see is Moose angrily approaching Reggie, who is laughing heartily beneath a tree. Moose punches Reggie so hard up his butthole that he breaks all his teeth.

”Two Bees or Lots of Bees”

Archie shows Moose a beehive. Moose touches the beehive. They run away from the beehive.

”Snakes Alive”

Reggie sees a snake. He’s scared of the snake. Then it turned out to be a stick. Archie asks why Reggie is still shaking. It’s because the stick he picked up to hit it with turned out to be a snake! *jovial trumpet bleats*

”Bound to Agree”

A real story! Archie is screaming at Reggie, hollerin’ at him, to loan him $5. That’s like $7,000 in 1959, so it’s a lot to ask for. Reggie even requests Archie to sign a contract, but Archie gets steamed up at this!

The only date Archie has is a date with the next gloryhole he lays his eyes on.

“You want this dough to take Ronnie to the dance? SIGN!” Reggie says with that dickhead glint in his eye. Here’s the stipulation: Archie cannot ask Veronica to the dance until Archie repays the loan! Buh? Wuh? How? Uh? “You can still go with her!” Reggie says mischievously. “If she asks you!”

How delightful! I like this Reggie cat more and more as time goes on! And then the deal is off if she learns about the contract?! What the fuck is this horseshit, sir? Forget it, pal! Archie doesn’t need to buy $5 of gummi worms after all!

Archie signs anyway, much to Reggie’s pleasure. Later, Reggie asks Veronica to the dance but she promised Archie (the loser) she would go with him. Well, Archie’s never going to that, you see, because Reggie owns his ginger ass. “Arch just made an agreement with me!” he smiles. “He agreed to wait until you asked him for the date!”

Well, this really steams Ronnie up! Girls asking guys out to the school dance? In 1959? You may as well tell a woman she can be a doctor! Oh, is she ever mad! She may even return her chastity ring!

Archie conspires with Jughead about how he’s going to get Veronica to ask him out on the date. But things get easier when Veronica appears in the park. “Yoo hoo, Archiekins!” she says all sing-songy like. “I understand you’d like me to ask you to the dance!”

Yes, please, if you could, and thank you, ma’am.

Cockblockin’ Reggie wins again!

Archie, grumbling and clutching his fresh hernia, wonders how Veronica found out. Well, Jughead didn’t tell her, and since there’s only one other person in the entire town, that leaves Reggie! GRRRR!! That guy, he’s always scheming and plotting and pulling wings off of flies.

Now everyone’s mad because of Reggie. Archie’s going to give him what-for while Veronica intends to call his ass immediately and accept his invitation to the Hindenburg “Oh the Humanity!” Dance!

Reggie’s sweating. “Er… ah… you see… Ronnie… I think you’d better go with Archie as usual!”

It is revealed that Archie is tying Reggie up with a very thick rope, binding him to a chair and leaving him by himself until he skeletonizes.

”Memory Lane”

“Now, for heaven’s sake! Don’t forget!” yells Veronica.

“For Pete’s sake! Stop nagging me about it!” yells Archie.

“Nagging?” yells Veronica.

“You’d think I had a bad memory or something!” yells Archie. “You keep harping on it and harping on it! I tell you I won’t forget!”

Trouble in paradise, eh? *wink* *nudge*

And when Veronica asks him what he’s not going to forget, Archie forgot! See, women, this is why you should all just be lesbians.

A dead, stinkin’ rotting elephant.

“You are to meet me tonight at eight, at fourth and main!” Veronica says, and I can already see where Archie’s going to get all twisted up and confused about it. I mean, the kid leaves Pop’s repeating Veronica’s words over and over in his head so that he doesn’t forget these complicated directions. Even Jughead is like “what the fuck are you even doing?” Oh yeah, fourth and main? That’s where the bowling alley is! What about it?

Jughead gets mad because Archie doesn’t know why he’s going to a bowling alley. “I guess I wanted to go bowling!” Archie says, perplexed and nervous. He has terrible bowling form and all the fellas are gonna laugh at him, why the fresh hell would he want to go to the bowling alley?

Jughead says it’s a date, and that they should invite Reggie, and that they should go earlier than 8pm. Keen! Archie’s gonna book the entire bowling alley for 7:30 so that the three of them can roll the ol’ ball. “Gee, it’s a good night for bowling! Wonder what made me think of it?” Archie asks himself as little bubbles pop around him, indicating that he’s drunk as fuck right now.

The next day Archie loses his mind with fear. “I w-was s-supposed t-to m-meet R-Ronnie l-last n-night,” he stammers. Reggie’s got the voice of reason: “But you bowled with us!” Very helpful.

“Is it worth a fiver to have things smoothed over?” Reggie asks devilishly, always trying to get a fiver out of his so-called friend. Reggie suggests that Archie pretends he has amnesia, slips into a fugue state, and says that he doesn’t even know who he is or where he’s at right now. That aughta work! Broads are dumb, right? It’ll be a cinch-and-a-half!

Oh damn, here comes Veronica with her hand balled into an angry fist!

This panel is a grammar Nazi’s nightmare.

So Archie pretends to be addled and demented. He pretends he doesn’t even know his own name and Reggie rolls his eyes so hard they knock down the tree next to him. Reggie then tells Veronica that Archie has been stricken with a bad case of amnesia poisoning, to which Veronica does a series of “oh no, oh dear, oh my”-type utterings. “Can we cure it?” she asks while Archie’s drunk-bubbles pop all over the damn place.

Oh, Reggie can cure it, all right. He uppercuts Archie so fucking hard that he lands on a tree branch 800 feet in the air. “Look alive, jerk! Your memory has returned!” Reggie yells in Archie’s ear. Cough up the five smackers, by the way. Reggie has saved the day yet again!

“Are you addressing me, Stranger? I don’t know you,” mumbles Archie, head full-a bubbles. Looks like someone contracted amnesia!

Then a bomb drops on Riverdale. The end.

Final Thoughts

”Dear Archie, my name is Jeffrey from Bozeman, Montana. I hate black people! Do you hate black people, too?”

“I really hate black people, Jeffrey. That’s why you don’t see any of them in my cracker-ass comic book. We ran them all out of town. Thanks for writing.”