Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #1!

Here’s what I know about Archie: Veronica is the hot one. Jughead likes hamburgers.

Here’s what else I know: The 900-year-old mainline series got rebooted for 32 issues in 2015. The internet told me that this is a great place to start for Archie virgins, and I’m the biggest Archie virgin there is. I look forward to delving into the myriad of other Archie-related series, limited series, spinoffs, and pornography! Also, Sabrina the Teenage Witch sounds fun. Maybe I’ll do that too.

Time to pop that Archie cherry, ladies and gentlemen.

(Tom’s Note: I’m aware that I’ve already posted a bunch of read-throughs of classic Archie comics, but, if you can believe it, I actually started with this. It just took me this long to actually post them. So the cherry-popping still technically stands. I just wanted to clarify my cherry-popping.)

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #1 [September, 2015]
Written by: Mark Waid

ARE YOU READY TO READ A BUNCH OF PIMPLY TEENAGERS TRYING TO FUCK EACH OTHER ALONG WITH ME? Because we’re reading Archie instead! Sorry. If the cover art is any indication, we’re going to follow Riverdale’s biggest dork as he bumbles his way through high school misadventures! Probably!

But before we get started, I have to speak up about something in particular. Mark Waid. Mark fucking Waid. Are you kidding me, Mark Waid? First the shitty ’90s Captain America, then the sorta shitty Marvel NOW! Daredevil, then the actually pretty good Superman: Birthright limited series… anyway, this fat Asperger’s pile of puke is everywhere, and now he’s infiltrating my Archie comics! Boo, sir! Boo!

I’m talking too much. Sorry, Mark Waid. I treat your fat Asperger’s pile of puke face with too much disrespect and I won’t do it again.

“Hi. My name is Archie Andrews. Welcome to Riverdale.”

Fuck off, kid.

Archie’s got a dang guitar case strapped to his back. He doesn’t look like the most interesting guy in town, that’s for sure.

“Don’t pay too much attention to me. I’m not exactly the most interesting guy in town.”

Well, shucks. This kid is writing my Archie write-ups for me, it seems! I should just go grab a snack for the next 45, you know, days.

“I’m not super smart, like Dilton. Or an aspiring filmmaker, like Raj. I don’t have an American Idol-winning sister like Trev does.”

Dilton, Raj, and Trev. Sounds like a high school full of douchebags to me! Ha! Line up for your swirlies, you poindexters.

I heard he pooped in the urinal and then ate the poop and then kissed his mother with the poop still in his mouth!

A lovesick Archie leans against the lockers and watches Betty Cooper fiddle around with books and shit. “She lives next door. She smells like flowers and motor oil. We’ve been a couple since kindergarten.”

“Until last week.”

“Until the lipstick incident.”

Put the kids to bed now, friends! The lipstick incident is rated XXX!

Oh darn, Archie doesn’t want to talk about the lipstick incident. Neither does Betty. They both swore each other to secrecy. But the whole school wants to know what it’s all about. And I think it’s still something that requires all the kids to go to fucking bed. Right fucking now.

“But I’m okay,” Archie says. He doesn’t look okay. He looks like a sad little ginger boy.

His friends try to hook Archie up with someone else, but he doesn’t want just someone else. He wants Betty, who smells like roses and antifreeze.

While Archie continues to break the fourth wall and tell us that everything between him and Betty was a mutual “atomic” breakup, Betty attempts to approach the kid and say something. But she thinks better of it. “I don’t even know what we’d say,” Archie continues.

So, yeah, Archie and Betty (who smells like violets and molten slag) are the talk of the school. Their breakup has affected the entire student body. Archie thinks it will blow over quickly, but he’s not very smart at all. He gets D- grades in English and the jocks throw footballs at his penis.

Meanwhile, at another table, a small group collectively offer their desserts to Jughead Jones in exchange for information about the lipstick incident.

If it involves accidental insertion of foreign objects into genitalia I really don’t want to know.

Since Jughead declines even the most scrumptious of pastries, the group goes into the corner to talk amongst themselves as Archie approaches the table and asks what that was all about. Jughead continues his apprehension to talk about anything and sneers aggressively.

Since the group of nosy nellies didn’t get anything out of Jughead, they go straight to the source.

Betty, who smells like carnations and raw sewage, fields questions about whether Archie had lipstick on his collar, or did she find it in his car, perhaps? Tell them tell them tell them tell them tell them!! Betty vehemently defends Archie. He would never, ever cheat! So fuck right the hell up, vultures! Vermin! Swine! Republicans!

“It’s just… people change, all right? Move on. Okay?” Betty looks desperate to get all this attention off of her, but a suave guy with a leather jacket lookin’ like ‘50s Greaser Jones mosies up to Betty and leads her away. “Stop drilling her, you three. She needs to get her mind out of the past and onto the future!” This dude is named Reggie and I hate him already! He looks like a sex pest and I’m tired of his face. “Hey, Betts, have you seen my new car?” he smiles while showing her a picture on his phone. She smiles too. They both smile.

The group of three think this is an atrocity. Time to get Betty and Archie back together NOW! Because of reasons, I guess. Who cares. High school drama? Obnoxious! Go shovel some dirt and earn your way into society.

The three look toward a banner for voting for Homecoming King and Queen. That’s the ticket! Time to start harassing and bullying other students into voting for Archie and Betty so that they can awkwardly stand in front of everyone at a shitty dance and sweat and groan.

I was gonna not rape you.

One after another, they push all these kids into voting for these two hopeless romantics.

I’m guessing I’m supposed to know the names of these three criminal masterminds, but I don’t, and no one has said any of their names yet even at all. Anyway, Blond Guy freaks out. “Wait. Wait. They don’t have dates! They are gonna be there, right?”

Mauve-Haired Girl is not worried. “Relax. Betty’s coming stag, and Archie’s helping the band set up. As long as he doesn’t ditch too soon, we’re gold.”

Jughead shows up arms crossed in a pouty “you kids are grounded” pose. “You couldn’t just let things be,” he says. Mauve Hair calls him the worst best friend ever. “Don’t you believe Archie and Betty are fated to be together?”

Oh, he does. He does all right. That’s why he volunteered to count ballots. Get on the inside. Rig the election 2020 style. Or at least Matthew-Broderick-in-Election-style. Jughead only cares about food, but he ALSO only cares about his friends! Time to get these banal mouth-breathers back together, guys.

Jughead needs just one tube of crazy glue, and it’ll be a lock.

(?)

The other three are just as confused as I am, so at least I’m not missing anything. Maybe Jughead has brain damage? Only time will tell.

I’m gonna glue their buttholes shut. I don’t know how that will help anything, but it sounds fun.

Where the fuck has Archie been in all this? Well, sir, Archie is at home now with his dad. He’s playing a guitar on the couch looking all like that Vincent Price yee-eee-e-e-e-s? guy on The Simpsons. “He taught me everything I know about his three passions: home repair, bowling, and the guitar.

Since guitar is the only thing that Archie is good at besides jerking off, he at least has one thing in common with Pops.

“Are you playing tonight?” his dad asks. “In public, finally? Can I come?”

Archie bellows a loud NO! Sort of. He doesn’t bellow it, but I like to think that he smacked his dad around a little bit for even asking. Archie is just bringing Dad’s guitar in for a sound check and then heading home tout suite.

Seems kind of weird that voting for Homecoming King and Queen happens the very same day as the dance. That’s a lot of pressure with the voting and the counting the votes and then rigging everything and all that. I hope Mr. JugHat is up to the task.

Speaking of the devil, Jughead shows up to the dance looking like his usual dogshit self with his dogshit clothes. All the pieces are in place! Principal Fat Weatherbee is harping on Archie to finish setting everything up. “Almost done, Principal Weatherbee! Good night, dance… Hello Xbox,” Archie says. He’s probably going to play Dark Souls. He’s a silly boy.

BUT, ARRRGHHH! THE LEAD GUITARIST IS NOT HERE AND HE’S NOT PICKING UP HIS PHONE! Well, looks like Archie’s gonna have to fill in!

Probably because Jughead killed the lead guitarist.

With a gun.

Probably.

But Archie has never played in front of a crowd. He turns red! Redder than he already is, and that little scamp is pretty dang red already.

Better start shredding, Dorkus.

So he sucks at first. Then, disappointingly, he gets better. And everyone’s happy, except for Mr. Weatherbee of course! He’s grumpy!

Weatherbee announces the Homecoming King and Queen. It’s Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin! Ha! What year is this?

It’s Betty and Trev. Whoops.

All eyes turn to Jughead, who frowns and shrugs earnestly.

Betty and Trev look at each other startled. Archie looks crestfallen. Everyone stares at him. Archie’s dick flops out of his pants. Then he regains composure. “Congratulations, guys! What are you just standing there for? You should be dancing!”

We see a flashbacky glimpse of Jughead burning all the Archie votes. And, hoo boy, there are a lot of them! He takes a moment to chastise the nameless group of three for trying to force these two back together in front of the whole school. “Instead, maybe… just maybe… what they need is to be reminded of what they’re missing,” Jughead says sagely. THE VOICE OF REASON, THIS GUY. Eat a hamburger, sir.

Later, Archie and Jughead walk out of the dance together. Archie wonders why the lead guitarist was AWOL. Jughead is like “I dunno” and tosses the empty tube of glue into a nearby trashcan.

He didn’t shoot the guy with a gun. Far from it. He glued his hands to his steering wheel. lol etc.

Archie walks home with a pep in his step. Perhaps this is a new chapter. Dating around might be new and fun! “Maybe there’s some amazing new girl just around the corner…”

He passes by a giant billboard.

Veronica Lodge is going to tear this kid’s world a new b-hole.

Final Thoughts

Archie is correct! He’s not all that interesting! Looks like it’s going to be the supporting players who have to carry that soulless ginger’s weight around here.

Does Archie ever have a threesome with Betty and Veronica? Does Jughead jump into the mix? These are the questions I have.