Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #2! In the previous installment, we are introduced to Archie Andrews and his loveable gang of high school dorks ‘n’ nerds. Archie and Betty had just broken up because of a “lipstick incident”, which may or may not involve some sort of donkey.

Veronica hasn’t shown up to town yet, but she will. She’s going to fuck up Archie’s world and Betty’s going to have a conniption fit over it.

Jughead likes hamburgers.

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #2 [October, 2015]
Written by: Mark Waid

“I need money.”

“Money won’t solve your problems, Arch.” replies Jughead.

They’re walking to Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe to grab a few dozen bags of fries. Archie introduces us to his pal Jughead: His God-given Christian name (amen) is Forsythe P. Jones III, and I would have killed myself by high school if that was my own name. See, Jughead used to be rich as fuck, that’s why he has such a WASPy name. Until Jughead was ten, he reveled in it. Wore only the best clothes. A fancy fedora! Hamburgers as far as the eye can see! “His birthday parties were dawn-to-dusk with video games that hadn’t even been released yet. Children would fight for toys he threw away. He was the arbiter of cool… until his pop invested every dime they had into a scam involving a water bottling plant called ‘Purejug’. Overnight, they went bankrupt…”

In short, he got a nickname, a lot of ridicule, and sack lunches full of packing peanuts.

Jughead has become wise since he got poor. Be who you are, not who people think you are. I’m not sure what any of this has to do with Archie wanting pussy, but it’s nice to hear some sound advice once in a while.

Archie needs some cash to repair his shit heap of a car, but he’s pretty lousy with after-school jobs. He burned down a church once by accident, and he killed all his prostitutes by slapping them too hard. Too bad Betty’s still not in the picture, because she would be able to fix his stuff like a champ. Now he has to pay for services with actual currency, and not lewd acts of teenage lust.

Hit it with a hammer. Problem solved!

Betty watches Archie moan about his car from her window. A young man who is definitely NOT her dad comes up behind her and gently grabs her waist to lean in for a kiss, but she pushes him out of the way. It’s Trev. “Dude, hands where I can see ‘em!” she yells. They’re supposed to be playing video games, not groping each other! Crash Bandicoot isn’t going to play with himself! Well, he might, but–

“I thought you liked me,” Trev mopes.

“I do like you.”

“Like-like.”

Trev tells Betty that, hey, most girls would be down to bone if they were in their rooms alone with some BOY. Steam comes out of Betty’s ears. She shoves Trev out of her room and slams the door in his face.

Betty’s friend Sheila is waiting downstairs alone in the living room for some reason. Now’s her cue to go talk to Betty about how shitty BOYS are and someone should do a genocide on all of them. Sheila presents Betty with an early birthday gift: a bunch of nice clothes and makeup so she can get dolled up for her party tonight! Look, there’s pancake mix and a clown nose. You like looking stupid as hell, right?

Betty feels bad for not inviting Archie. Sheila tells Betty to get over it. Betty flops on her bed and sighs.

Goddamnit! I hate heat!

We see a montage of Betty attempting to do the girlie thing of applying mascara, putting on fake nails, straightening her hair, applying eye shadow, applying lipstick, and putting in fake eyelashes. She sucks at all of it. She screeches in frustration. Usually, she would just slap on some of that Lip Smackers chapstick and hit the town. Archie was always the one to put on all the makeup! Being a girl sucks!

Let’s cut to the site of the Lodge Manor development where people are lining up outside the trailer to secure gainful employment in construction. A group of Archie’s nerdy science lab friends are staking the lot and scheming how to keep Archie from getting a job here. It doesn’t work. They can see Archie shaking hands with the foreman.

But then, as Archie walks away proudly, he steps into a bucket and tumbles the fuck down a hill, killing him and reducing his body to a pulpy mass of quivering froth. His friends are like “We have to take care of him, but he can’t even take care of himself! D’oh!” We see Archie break the fourth wall to talk about how great he’s doing while his friends surreptitiously keep him from hurting himself further on the job site.

Then he holds a nailgun upwards and shoots a barrage of nails into the sky, which all land dangerously around the site. Shit breaks, too. He probably destroyed $900,000,000 worth of property in the 25 minutes he’s had the job. “Let me guess.” Archie turns his attention to the extremely frowny foreman. “I quit…?”

Ha! Nope! Later that night, he’s alone picking up his mess and repairing the damage without pay. He’s not too upset, there’s just a party going on at Betty’s that he’s not invited to anyway. “At least I can be alone to think about the loveless, careless life of poverty that stretches before me.” Looks like Archie ain’t going to college! Stand in line for those unemployment checks, Sport. $100 a week ain’t nothing to sneeze at!

Whoa mama! It’s Eva Longoria!

He catches a glimpse of a fancy schmancy car driving up to the site. Out comes a tall gray-haired man and a… STUNNING, BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, RAVEN-HAIRED TEENAGE GIRL! NO, WOMAN! THAT’S A TEENAGE WOMAN! GULP!

“Wow. Love at first sight,” Archie says to himself. He woozily bumps the 2×4 he’s holding into the on-switch of a bulldozer, which drives itself off to the bare bones of the manor’s construction. It gets destroyed in four seconds. Gray-Haired Man gasps in complete horror. “…My… …Beautiful… …Mansion…”

He points a bony, accusing finger at Archie, who stands in the shadows. “YOU! COME OUT SO I CAN SEE THE FACE OF THE MAN WHOSE LIVER WILL BE MY SUNDAY DINNER!”

As the man runs toward the wreckage, Archie gets a quick peak of the girl failing to hide a big, fat smirk. “Wow,” Archie says as he books it from the construction site and out of harm’s way.

Huffing and puffing all the way home, Archie realizes that construction isn’t his strong suit. And in the end he earned $32.75, a third of what it would take to cover Jughead’s breakfast tab at Pop’s.

Oh well, time to say goodbye to the car. Poor old girl. She’ll be going to the Junkyard in the Sky.

Suddenly, the engine starts humming. Archie’s dad pops out of the driver’s seat. Who’d-a thunk it? The car works! Perhaps someone up there likes you! You know, next door in the window over there. Wave to the blond girl, son! You’ll never touch her again, but at least she knows her way around a shitty AMC Pacer!

I’ve been drilling your mom, actually, Ms. Funnypants.

Party’s started. Betty had fixed the car just in the nick of time. The buzz in the living room is the collapse of the Lodge Manor. Did Reggie have something to do with it, they all ask themselves. He’s a little turd bitch boy! But if the Lodge daughter is as hot is as rumored, he wouldn’t do anything of the sort. What’s her name again? Something that starts with a Q? Maybe an X? Ronnie? That’s a boy’s name! Never mind, forget it. She sounds ugly.

The cake comes down, and Betty is encouraged to make a wish before she blows out the candles. She looks outside and sees Archie messing with his car (probably breaking it again like a doofus).

Betty blows out the candles.

Final Thoughts

Betty can do better than Stinky Archie. That Jughead guy seems on the ball! Too bad he’s poor and, therefore, undesirable as fuck forever! Oh well.