Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #3! In the previous installment, we all laugh when we learn that Jughead’s family was rich as fuck when he was a little kid and now they’re poor as shit. We all revel in the antics of Archie trying to work construction in order to pay for maintenance and repairs on his awful car, an expense he didn’t have to worry about when he was still dating the handy Betty. We all fall in love with Veronica Lodge, who has just moved to town and has already drawn the attention of the student body with her wealth and her sexy swagger. We all root for Archie and Betty, who both clearly want to get back together but this dastardly lipstick incident ruined things forever! Arrgh!

Or maybe you want all these characters to die painful deaths? I don’t know where you stand on Archie.

I still believe that the lipstick incident involved genital insertion, and I’m not talking about Betty’s. Archie’s urethra still hasn’t recovered from the damage.

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #3 [November, 2015]
Written by: Mark Waid

“I met a girl the other night,” Archie speaks to the sky, presumably God who doesn’t give a shit anyway. He speaks as if he has never met a girl before. Or even knows what one is. Then he corrects himself. “’Met’ not so much. More like ‘escaped the wrath of the father of.’”

Archie walks into traffic as he fantasizes over he and Veronica locking eyes for a second, just enough to send a jolt of electricity to the ol’ penis. Jughead leaps into the street and pulls Archie out of the way just in time. Archie barely notices. “Her name is Veronica Lodge. Her dad’s a jillionaire. She starts Riverdale today. I’m gonna make it the best day of her life.”

Jughead throws up all 900,000,000,000 burgers he’s eaten in his lifetime.

So, the next day, at the beginning of school, Archie pushes Smithers out of the way and opens the car door for Veronica. “Please permit me, madam,” he bows. Veronica merely glares at him like he’s a millipede on a rock. “Hi. I’m Archie. Archie Andrews. I’m your volunteer campus liaison. I can show you around.”

Sounds thrilling, nerd. Why don’t you show her to the group of people cooler than you? Veronica catches a whiff in the hallway that she thinks is crack cocaine, but it’s just the football coach! Make of that what you will.

“Oh, we’ve met,” Veronica says as reality dawns on her. “You’re the boy who destroyed my house,” she adds lazily. Archie’s jaw drops. “Don’t worry, I thought it was a riot. It was worth it just to see the expression on daddy’s face when he lost his mind.”

Archie imagines getting his head stuffed into a guillotine.

Pretty soon this poodle will be your boss, kid.

Jughead and some girl named Maria show up to comment on Archie’s “nice purse”. Jughead stares at his friend disdainfully, as if there was any other way to stare at him. “Is there some reason you’ve decided to let this diva put a leash around your neck?” he says. “I mean, other than your natural horndoggedness?”

Archie imagines the bones of the mansion construction coming crashing down and gulps. Absolutely not, man! WHA-WHA-WHA-WHY DO YOU ASK?! HEH!

“I’m just trying to do the decent thing.”

“By lurking outside the girls’ room in drag.”

“A purse isn’t drag. There’s nothing wrong with a handbag.” Archie lifts his nose snootily. “I’m helping the new kid.”

“You’re helping the new kid.” Jughead has his arms crossed in placid skepticism.

“Don’t be cynical. First days can be awful, so I try to be there for them.” Archie gets all high and mighty toward Jugs. “I know you’re all wrapped up in your own world, but I was brought up to be of service.

A likely story, punk.

This doesn’t count because Archie’s an unapologetic racist.

Veronica comes out of the bathroom and calls Archie “Andy”. Archie calls her “Ronnie”. She loves it. They’re getting on famously already! Jughead looks somewhat concerned, like this girl is going to sink her teeth into Archie’s neck and transform him into a creature of the night (prostitute).

Later, Jughead and Betty are texting each other during class about Archie’s sudden new interest in the snobby rich girl. Betty doesn’t care about what Archie does and who he does it with and why he does it and how he does it and especially where he does it! Jughead gets dismissed from class by the teacher for using a cellphone, so he takes this opportunity to peak into the classroom Veronica is currently in. And she’s regaling the class with rich-girl stories that are even making her withered old teacher laugh! She catches Jughead snarling from the door. She snarls back.

I think these two should get together. But it won’t fucking happen because Jughead is asexual or something and is only in love with pizza.

FEEL THAT SEXUAL TENSION! OH WELL!

Next, Jughead pops into the gym where he finds Archie playing dodgeball. “Man, if ever there was a sport that was a metaphor for your life,” he says in Archie’s ear while Archie’s trying to dodge a barrage of balls. I’m not sure what Jughead’s motivation here is other than “fuck with him”, but let’s not forget that he’s the one that rigged the Homecoming election to keep Archie and Betty away from each other.

“Is there something you want to tell me about a mysteriously destroyed mansion for which, it occurs to me, you have no alibi?” he says as he catches a dodgeball with one hand and his eyes closed. Archie’s gonna fess up now, but not to that.

“Jug, I’m under a spell! You gotta help me!”

Admitting your powerlessness is the first step toward recovery! Jughead’s going to get the electroshock therapy machine and–

“ANDY! Which way is the lunchroom?” Veronica asks with hearts floating around the speech balloons.

“I’ll walk you!”

Jughead stares as Archie and Veronica hold hands. Enough of this shit. Time for a steak.

The cafeteria is serving up sloppy joes that smell like if a foot farted on a skunk. Speaking of odors, Archie smells like sweat and Funyuns. “I’d like to make some more friends. Go shower,” Veronica says, dismissing him.

The room is full of horny dorks who want Veronica to sit with them. She ends up sitting next to Maria and that other girl with the black hair and red bangs who I’ve never mentioned before nor posted a picture of! Veronica and this girl bond over the girl’s Marie LeSiau blouse, which she altered. This impresses Veronica! These two are going to get along nicely.

The girl is named Sheila, and oh yeah I did mention her before once. She was the one getting Betty ready for her party in the last issue. Veronica takes a big bite of her rancid sloppy joe and starts turning yellow. Then she pukes all over herself in front of everyone.

Initiation over! Welcome to Riverdale!

Veronica regains composure and walks out of the cafeteria haughtily. She makes it to the bathroom where she suddenly sobs in front of the mirror. She dials up Daddy Dearest and complains about how he could drag her against her will to such an awful town. Betty enters the bathroom and overhears the conversation. Mr. Lodge hangs up on his daughter.

“You have a little bit in your hair,” Betty says, wetting a piece of paper towel. “Let me get it for you.”

Veronica lets her guard down. Why is this girl being nice to her? Girls aren’t nice to her! They introduce themselves to each other before Betty walks out of the bathroom with poise and grace. She catches Archie waiting outside the bathroom. Betty brings back what looks like a dress from the drama costume department, which makes Veronica crack the hell up. “Thank you, girl. You really did cheer me up. Imagine, decorating Veronica Lodge like a parade float. What, didn’t they have any potato sacks?”

Veronica summons her widdle Archiekins and they walk away from the bathroom. Betty gets mad. “Archiekins?” she repeats incredulously. The rivalry begins!

As Smithers is seen hurrying up the school grounds with a rack of designer clothes, Betty texts Jughead back. “She just made it my business.”

And Jughead smiles.

And shit’s gonna get real fast.

And what an eventful first day it’s been! Veronica gets into her limo and Archie hands her her books. She instructs Archie to trot behind the limo with her puke clothes so they don’t stink up the car. Jughead and Betty catch this pathetic display of lapdogginess. “See what I mean?” says Jughead. “Action is called for.”

“Ma’am! You forgot your Kasimir! Ma’am!!”

Betty makes it clear that this isn’t about getting back together with Archie. Nothing about her outrage is related to jealousy. It’s all about Archie’s well-being. And she’s going to do whatever it takes to save him from himself.

But let’s be real. It’s about jealousy.

Final Thoughts

Who cares if Archie has a crush on Veronica? Betty’s old news now, baby. Black hair is more interesting anyway. Out with the blonde.