Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #5! In the previous installment, we learn about the “lipstick incident” and its mind-crushingly underwhelming details (Betty wore lipstick to a date, Archie was weirded out).

Well, luckily Veronica is there to bolster his plummeting spirits!

Jughead still has a mission to knock some sense into Archie, and Betty is still on board… but now they have a secret weapon…

Fuckin’ Reggie, man! Reggie’s gonna put some itching powder in Archie’s underpants like the greaser scamp that he is!

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #5 [February, 2016]
Written by: Mark Waid

Archie points to Reggie Mantle, who is speeding along at 500 mph in his convertible, and tells us that he’s going to have to save two of his friends from this jagoff. Reggie used to be Riverdale’s richest kid until Veronica showed up. Richest and most hated. He’s a jerk who throws gum on the sidewalk and mangles kids’ bicycles and doesn’t finish his mashed potatoes at dinner. “Mantle’s the closest thing Riverdale has to a supervillain.”

Archie and Reggie bonded once in 4th grade. Reggie told him the following joke, which has stuck with Archie ever since:

“Guy walks into a pet shop. He lives in a tiny apartment with thin walls, so he wants something a) small, and b) quiet. He buys a centipede. Next morning, he’s hot to take the centipede for a walk. He unscrews its jar lid and says ‘Hey buddy! Want to go to the park?’ He expects the centipede to be excited, but: no reaction at all. Guy waits. After a minute, he repeats, ‘Want to go to the park?’ Nothing. Our guy is getting frustrated. Finally he yells, ‘DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE PARK?’ And the centipede looks up at him and says–”

“ARCHIE!”

Whoops, no time to finish the joke! The literal last word of the joke! Veronica’s calling. You know, Veronica with the billions of dollars and the sexy vagina? She needs Archie to set up a tent in her backyard for a party. Archie points out correctly that Veronica’s family has an entire staff of people on her property that can do this for her. Veronica points out correctly that she’ll be too much of a bitch to the staff and some of them will quit, per her dad. But Archie won’t quit. He wants some of that sexy vagina.

Archie succumbs to autoerotic asphyxiation while Veronica tells him he’s being just too silly.

Archie tries to help, but he’s really fucking bad at it. Veronica wonders if the party she’s throwing, which is intended to get to know all her schoolmates, will be worth all the trouble. She thinks maybe she’s too beautiful and rich to make friends with any of these peons. Archie’s like “WHADDAYA MEAN? RIVERDALE IS FULL OF HAPPY CUSTOMERS! NO DRAMA AT ALL, REALLY, ANYWHERE, I PROMISE, HA HA, WHAT?”

Meanwhile, Sheila hides in the bushes taking snapshots of Archie flailing around with the tent while Veronica sits there watching. Veronica notices and asks Archie if this cunt is stalking her, to which he replies “WHADDAYA MEAN? RIVERDALE IS FULL OF HAPPY CUSTOMERS! NO DRAMA AT ALL, REALLY, ANYWHERE, I PROMISE, HA HA, WHAT?” but also Sheila wants to be a fashion designer so maybe she’s trying to, uh, get some ideas?

Archie had every right to be suspicious because the circumstances are suspicious. Because Reggie is involved, and where Reggie goes there’s a putrid stank that follows.

Speaking of the Stank Devil, Reggie’s on his motorcycle talking to someone mysterious. They’re going to meet under the bleachers tomorrow for a chat. Perhaps a kiss? Pucker up, Reginald.

Sheila suddenly tumbles down a nearby hill and almost breaks the camera. The last photo on the camera is Archie tangled up in the tent, which causes Reggie to sneer derisively. “Stalk much? Why’s everyone into Andrews? Gross.”

Sheila snatches the camera from Reggie’s poop-covered hands and tells him to shut his yap. They have a quiet conversation about something the audience can’t read, maybe something about Jughead’s squirrel-fuckin’ habit, and Sheila tells Reggie to promise keeping a secret.

It’s probably not really about Jughead’s squirrel-fuckin’, but I’m not ruling it out either.

And don’t fuck any squirrels along the way, Jughead Jr.

Reggie meets under the bleachers with his unknown rendezvous partners… Jughead and Betty. “We have a goal, but no devious plan to get there,” explains Betty. “That’s why we’ve turned to the master.”

Reggie is intrigued! And usually only Girls Gone Wild VHS tapes intrigue Reggie.

“We need to save Archie from Veronica,” says Betty.

“’Save’? Yes. How horrible,” Reggie sneers. “To be adored by a beautiful million-heiress. Jealous much?”

Betty defends herself poorly. This does smack of jealousy; I can see it from a mile away! But she insists that Archie’s a damn doormat and he needs to find a girl who will respect him. Reggie asks what’s in it for him if he breaks up those two lovebirds. Betty says Veronica will be up for grabs! Swoop in, Reg my man!

He wants to earn Veronica’s sexy vagina, not have it handed to him. No, no, that won’t do at all. Better arrange for him to get a fake ID instead. His own sources are tapped out, as they say.

Betty cringes as she makes the deal. Reggie smiles devilishly. And dapperly, I might add!

Here’s the plan: Archie plays guitar, right? And girls fawn over him sickeningly, right?

I know the answer to this one! It’s because Archie is an idiot who doesn’t even notice all that low-hanging fruit and he’s too dumb to partake! Did I get it right? Wait.

Anyway, Archie doesn’t fuck the fruit because he’s a decent dude who isn’t prowling for pussy. Reggie thinks that’s insane, but whatever. To each his own.

“So what if he sees Veronica at her worst? Like, really going eleven on some innocent, defenseless, undeserving person?” Reggie posits.

“He’ll drop her like a stone,” Betty smiles, nudging Jughead in the ribs.

“Archie hates bullies,” Jughead agrees. “That would work. I volunteer.”

Jughead’s going to be the innocent person in question. Perfect! Reggie gives them three days to produce a fake ID and he goes on his way. “I can fix your problem within the hour. Watch and learn.”

Back in the school, Archie tries to tell the joke again and notices Reggie, Betty, and Jughead all coming through the front doors with identical amounts of mud on their pants and shoes. He narrows his eyes like Philip J. Fry before Veronica demands his attention again. The joke remains unfinished. What a tease, sir! I wanna know what the dang centipede said!

He keeps mustard in his underpants.

Sigh. Oh well. Archie, suspicious, asks Jughead why he was hanging out with Reggie, and Jughead admits the truth about the fake ID part of things.

Meanwhile, Reggie is at Sheila’s locker telling her to get a move-on about the “unveiling”. She runs off before she can close her locker, which Reggie takes advantage of tout suite!

“Sheila’s really got the rage on for Red,” he tells a passing-by Veronica, showing her the dozens of Archie photos taped to Sheila’s locker. “Thought you should know.”

With the implication that Sheila might steal her boy, Veronica turns purple and grits her teeth. “NO ONE. STEALS. FROM A LODGE.”

She grabs Archie by the scruff and storms off. Jughead wonders if this was a bad idea, especially since he was supposed to be the innocent person! Not Sheila! What are these shenanigans?! Reggie says this is better, and let’s come watch the show!

Veronica confronts Sheila outside a classroom where her “project” will be unveiled. Reggie hopes that the door doesn’t get opened yet, but Betty takes it upon herself to unveil the project early. Everyone stares into the room dumbfounded.

“Forgive me, Archie. I wasn’t creeping on you. You’re not my type, to be honest,” says Sheila as she presents a small group of kids showing off their preppy Archie-type outfits. “But when I saw you on stage at homecoming… you broke my designer’s block.”

Veronica is amazed by the clothes. She gushes and squeals and reviews them quite effusively and positively. The Archieness just OOZES from all of their pores. “I love it.” She grabs Sheila’s shoulders. “I’ll have Daddy put you in touch with some manufacturers.”

Reggie bangs his head against the doorframe.

LATER, Veronica’s party is in full swing. Betty and Jughead talk far away from the tent about Veronica’s clear love for Archie’s aesthetic. Maybe she is right for him. Maybe–

“What?” says Juggie. “Tell me you’re not giving this unholy union your blessing. He’s a human being, not her puppy.”

“He’ll get over the fawning,” Betty replies glumly. “Before long, he’ll be like the centipede in the joke. She’ll call and call and call him.”

“And when he doesn’t answer, she’ll devour him.”

Well, sir, Betty wants Archie to be happy. And she makes him happy. With her sexy vagina and all that.

Hey, I grew up in Bebop myself!

Archie made Reggie a shitty ID, so at least there’s that! “Consider your debt paid,” he smirks smugly. “Don’t mess with my friends, Mantle. EVER.” Archie walks away while Reggie seethes and froths.

Archie catches Jughead and Betty outside of the tent. “I don’t think you guys should be here,” he says, head hanging down. “You and Reggie were mixed up in… something. I don’t know the details. I don’t want to. But I suspect it had something to do with me and Ronnie… and… and… I dunno… I just… I need some time.”

The loser walks away.

Oh yeah, and the end of the joke is “I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! I’M PUTTING ON MY SHOES!”

Because it takes the centipede a long time to put on shoes, you see.

EPILOGUE! Reggie tries to hit on a college girl outside a bar, but he gets called out for being a high school sophomore. Nice fake ID, idiot. Better luck next time getting some of that sexy vagina.

Final Thoughts

Hey, local dweeb Mark Waid can actually write a character that’s a believable punk-ass piece of shit. This Reggie cat is all right!

Archie is the least compelling character in his own comic book. Figures.