Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #4! In the previous installment, there’s a new girl in town! Her name is Veronica Lodge, and Archie wants to hit that so hard. SO hard, man. And Jughead’s quite annoyed about it, so he enlists Betty’s help into fixing their friend.
Eventually, Betty obliges. But it sounds like there are going to be some demons that she’ll be dredging up again…
HIGH SCHOOL MELODRAMA, BABY!
Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [January, 2016]
Written by: Mark Waid
Archie plugs in his guitar and gets electrocuted to death. Nearly. In real life this kid would be a crisp, but in comic book life his best friend leans over his smoldering body and goes “Maybe acoustic today.”
As an apology, Jughead offers Archie half a candy bar called “Goo-Bar”, which Archie refuses sullenly and walks away from the garage.
“Jughead reminded me of something he didn’t mean to, but he did, and now it’s gonna be stuck in my head the rest of the day,” Archie tells the reading audience (ME!). “’It’ = the thing that broke up Betty and me. ‘It’ = ‘The Lipstick Incident’”
Oh boy! Do we finally get to know about how far up Archie’s butthole Betty pushed in that lipstick tube? All the way up, I’m guessing!
“You want to hear about it?” Archie asks me, as if he didn’t already know! YES! TELL ME ABOUT YOUR LIPSTICK BUTTHOLE!
Archie instead buries the lede by talking about how he and Betty have been friends since dinosaur times. He knows her better than anyone. Then things started to change… they started to, like, be teenagers with horomones and genitals and all sorts of other embarrassing things. One day, they accidentally fall down the hill and they do the roll-on-top-of-each-other thing that leads to some kissy-kissy.
“Promise me we’ll always stay this way,” Betty says. “Promise me you’ll stay the same.”
Archie agrees that he’ll act like a 17-year-old until the day he dies (at 17).
Yeah, just wait until you start your career as an leech trapper after dropping out before graduation. Life won’t feel so perfect anymore.
Pretty soon it’s days of fireflies and watermelons. They share a Goo-Bar one day on a playground swing set, yucking it up like the two happiest kids in the world. Betty gets covered in Goo-Bar goo, which eventually turns into getting covered by ants. She runs to the nearby public restroom where Maria and Sheila are applying lipstick. Betty nudges her way between them to use the sink. In the adjacent men’s restroom, Archie can start overhearing the the two girls outside talking about how gross Betty is.
Archie is like “don’t talk smack about my girlfriend, you hoes.” Well, since Archie is actually popular for reasons that continue to escape me to this day, Maria and Sheila don’t want to make Archie mad. So, when Betty leaves the bathroom, they both invite her to hang out.
And it’s a date!
But, as it turns out, Maria and Sheila are kinda shitty to hang out with. Sheila calls Betty weird for having her mechanic hobby. They make fun of her music. They make fun of her old lady name. How does Lizzie sound instead?!
“Is there anything you like about me?” Betty grumbles.
“Love your name, Lizzie.”
NOW IT’S MAKEOVER TIME! *”Thieves Like Us” by New Order plays just like in Pretty in Pink when Molly Ringwald was making her own prom dress out of fuckin’ scraps*
They go to the mall and Betty hates everything she’s subjected to.
Eyebrow threading? What will they think of next? Waxing??
Betty gives up and hollers right in the middle of the mall. Maria assures her that all this bullshit is what’s needed to get high school guys to look at her. Even at all. Thread those eyebrows or you’ll stay a virgin forever.
Betty gets a call from Archie. It’s Movie O’Clock and Archie’s buyin’ the Mike & Ikes! FUCK MAN! Betty’s got a date and she looks like a slovenly mess of diarrhea! Betty doesn’t want to. This is just Archie, man. Lay off.
Later, Betty walks home from the mall looking all sexy, lips covered in some sort of incident. She catches the attention of all the neighborhood boys! Even the ugly ones! Especially the ugly ones! She smirks in satisfaction. Even later, Archie calls to tell Betty he’s ready to roll. Betty wants him to pick her up in his car even though she lives next door.
Archie shrugs and does what he’s fucking told. Betty answers the door looking like last year’s model!
I’M READY FOR THE STURGIS MOTORCYLE RALLY!
Archie looks visibly uncomfortable as they enter the movie theater. He keeps looking around like he’s embarrassed to be with Betty.
“Split a Goo-Bar?” he asks her.
“NO. I don’t want to mess up my dress.”
The movie involves a metamorphosis, so it’s probably The Fly with Jeff Goldblum as the Fly. The Fly Guy screams about changing, and it prompts Archie to start thinking about all the good times with Betty over the years. Ice cream sandwiches and playful wedgies! Skipping rocks and video games and keying cars! And, of course, the promises not to change.
Archie looks very forlorn, and it’s not unnoticed. Betty tears up and runs out of the theater. And Archie runs after her, as boys do when presented with a situation where their girlfriend runs the fuck away from them crying.
“Why are you being so weird all of a sudden?” Betty cries.
“I’m weird? Look at you!”
Whoops! Not correct! Betty fucking smacks the kid with her purse. She accuses him of looking at girls who get dolled up just like this, and he says he can’t help it sometimes. And those girls are different. Betty isn’t those girls! Betty is Betty! Not Lizzie! Never Lizzie!
Keep your eyes peeling, friends! We’re at maximum incident!
Betty grabs the lipstick and swipes it across Archie’s whole face. “Funny,” she says quietly, getting right up close. “You’re still you.”
Then she runs off sobbing.
Better luck next time, Chumpus Prime.
Archie tries calling her as he walks home. No answer.
No answer.
No answer.
No.
…
uh
“We haven’t said a word to one another since,” Archie says, bringing us all back to the present. “I miss her.”
He returns to the garage to find Jughead had left. Packing it in for the day, he vocally laments the end of band practice.
“That’s a shame,” says a voice from the driveway. “I’ve love to hear you play.”
Veronica smiles. Archie straps on his guitar…
Jughead eats an enormous Dagwood sandwich in Betty’s house as she watches Archie and Veronica from the window. “Don’t sweat it,” Jughead says, taking a bite. “Have confidence. We’re here to discuss our infallible anti-Veronica plan.”
And who’s here to help? King fuckface himself, Reggie Mantle! That greasy sonofabitch.
Final Thoughts
THE LIPSTICK INCIDENT WAS A LETDOWN. The whole thing was just “having lipstick on”! Boo! Archie, you’re fired!
I think Veronica is better for him anyway. She’s rich. She can buy him a clue, girlfriend! *snap snap*
Also, kudos to Mark Waid for once. This is all pretty good. I have nothing funny to add to that. Sorry.
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