Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #15!

Betty and Veronica (Vol. 2), Issue #15 [November, 1988]

”The Write Stuff” – Harold Smith

Before the story starts proper, we are all treated to a full-page public service announcement, courtesy of Mr. Weatherbee, that the only effective weapon against AIDS is education! Thank you, Mr. Weatherbee!

Anyway, onto America’s most cheerful high school girls, both of whom are currently busy at the mall yelling at each other about Archie, of all people. Betty, you see, she accuses Veronica of monopolizing Archie’s time to the point where Betty hasn’t seen him in days. DAYS! Like, he’s not showing up for school because he’s chained up in one of Lodge Manor’s many dungeons.

Betty breaks up with Veronica over this, to which she replies with a big ol’ “That’s fine with me! I have lots of better, richer friends who have more in common with me! Who needs you?”

I’m sure newspapers wrote front page headlines about Betty and Veronica, Issue #15. This is serious news! B & V splitting! Say it ain’t so!

Jughead lounges in the food court in a tank top, crazy disappointed in the dynamic duo, ESPECIALLY since Betty cited Ronnie as an influence for her newspaper essay contest. Oh yes, yes, yes. Veronica perks up. “She said she was writing about me?” she asks, grabbing Jughead by his tiny little tank top shoulder straps. He flubs and gibbers, saying that she was merely an inspiration and nothing more! Now let go before he takes a big hamburger dump all over the floor!

But eep! Betty and Veronica just broke up! What kind of light will Betty paint Veronica in now?? Shit! They gotta be best friends again or Betty might write about that time that Veronica got her nose caught in Archie’s exhaust pipe trying to snort a line of coke out of it. It’s the ‘80s here, after all.

Sure I have! Remember when I stole Archie from you within the last few days?? Wait, that’s not helping…

Veronica catches up and pleads with Betty to stay together. There’s an incentive: Veronica’s gonna start being the best friend ever! And, no, there’s not going to be any free money. Fuck you. But she’s got a whole pile of clothes she’s never worn that Betty can have. Remember that ALF shirt that goes with those ALF pants?? Who says Veronica’s not a good friend?!

“Look, Veronica, you don’t have to give me expensive gifts to be my friend! All you have to do is be thoughtful and considerate!” Betty exclaims, but there’s no fucking way Ronnie can handle that. Anyway, friends again? Don’t do a libel, please.

Betty asks Veronica if she knows what she’s writing about, anyway. And of course Veronica knows. Heh heh. ESP, right girlfriend? Anyway, I’m sure this won’t turn into a Thing.

A few days later, Juggie (wearing a dang scarecrow hat) informs Veronica that Betty has won the essay contest. Veronica cannot wait to read all about it; she zooms home from the beach just to catch Betty at the Chock’lit Shoppe to be all like “I’M EXCITED TO READ YOUR STUPID ESSAY IN THE PAPER TOMORROW!” and books it out of there.

BEHOLD, THE HILARIOUS MISUNDERSTANDING!!!

Veronica is a nutcase about all this. She’s calling all of her friends to keep an eye on the paper tomorrow. “Hello, Cynthia?” she says over the phone to her 27th customer. “Watch the paper tomorrow! Betty Cooper wrote an essay all about me!”

Well, sir, eventually Veronica learns from a teaser in today’s paper that Betty’s essay is going to be all about how the subject has prominent ears, a long snout, and all sorts of other aardvarky attributes. We all have a good laugh while Veronica has a coronary. The end.

”Tough at the Top!” – Kathleen Webb

Veronica Lodge, in the flesh, tells us, the audience, in the flesh, that it’s not easy being popular. So prepare for eight pages of bitching after twelve pages of why she actually likes being popular.

-Veronica likes being a fashion trendsetter.

-Veronica likes people valuing her opinions.

-Veronica likes being invited to parties.

-Veronica likes being invited to dances.

-Veronica likes being invited to school committees.

-Veronica likes vaginas on her face.

It’s not all parties and vaginas, though! I mean, it’s mostly parties and vaginas. But there’s the seedy underbelly of it all. And Veronica wants to make sure that nobody is around to hear what she has to say, so I’m going to plaster the image on my blog for posterity.

That’s an easy one, dearie. Grab a wrench and fix my car.

“If this were to get out, my whole reputation would crumble at my feet!” she says, yelling at me pasting the image of Veronica admitting to the whole world that she’d trade everything to be Betty Cooper for just a day. Here’s why: because Betty has love. I guess that’s a reason. *groan*

“Everybody loves Betty! Teachers, students, parents, children, animals, everybody! And the frustrating part is, what’s not to love? Betty is totally unselfish!”

Look, lady. Betty’s not all that’s cracked up to be. She’s a little too nice. How can you trust that shit? She even likes her. Veronica Lodge. The girl who is constantly trying to get her greasy mitts on Archie Andrews.

Veronica looks in a mirror, being the fairest one of all and such. But because she’s a teensy bit selfish, people hate her guts and want to disembowel her guts and then eat her guts and then stomp on her guts.

“As I said before, it’s not easy being popular…” Veronica opens the door to the next room where everyone is fawning over the loveable Betty. “… especially when you suspect… you’re not as popular as you think!!”

Veronica sheds a single tear. I laugh uproariously!

”The Exercists” – Hal Smith

Mr. Cooper is making Betty clean out the entire garage because he’s a fat, lazy asshole. Looks like she broke her back for six straight hours, that deserves a reward! “How would you like to take a break and go play tennis with your old dad?” Mr. Cooper asks, looking like quite the smiley boy. Betty would be delighted to such a thing! *farts*

There’s an ulterior motive to tennis, you see. Betty’s dad recognizes that he’s becoming quite the fatty fat and he needs more exercise, so let’s walk to the tennis courts instead of driving fourteen feet. That’ll get the blood pumpin’ something fierce! Too bad Mr. Cooper is about a shake of a lamb’s tail away from a massive heart attack, requiring triple bypass surgery and a smack on the head with a cane!

They finally make it to the tennis courts and, hey, guess what?! Dad sucks at tennis! He’s really fucking the butt over here! Hitting it in the ditches and on top of roofs, making Betty get each and every single one. “Oh no! Not again!” she keeps saying. Pretty soon she’s dead of heat stroke and no one goes to her funeral.

Time to go home, I guess. Dad complains about a leg cramp because he hasn’t eaten enough sexy bananas. Hey, though, Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe is right down the street. Why don’t you cart your excessive rump into the diner and order about 30 mozzarella sticks while Betty gets the car. Jughead’s already in there eating hamburgers because he has no other hobbies. Join him for some fatty, greasy bullshit! Jughead is an enabler and I blame him for Mr. Cooper’s timely death. He ate five Popburgers! What the fuck!

Pack it up, Dad. You’re fired!

What we have here is a sad dad! Also, Betty lost 10 pounds playing tennis? Was she sticking her finger down her throat in the bathroom?

”Bless the Mall” – Hal Smith

Do Archie comics have any goddamned women writing these stories? I don’t want to read a story about the mall written by a guy named Hal Smith.

So, anyway, I’m reading this story about the mall written by a guy named Hal Smith and Veronica doesn’t want to go to the mall at all because she’d rather shop at home. And no, not on Jeff Bezos Presents: Amazon.com because this is 1988 and the internet wouldn’t be around for at least another 35 years. No, no, no, we’re talking video shopping! QVC, baby. No more parking lots and traffic, son.

Betty thinks home shopping networks are hella tacky, and I’m inclined to agree wholeheartedly. Have you seen the stuff they sell on there? Earrings that look like church stained glass windows for $900? I’ve seen gnarly flip-flops being sold. Go to the store, losers.

But no, this isn’t just any home shopping network! Veronica’s going to buy some baubles from England! Mr. Lodge bought a satellite dish and now she can purchase in style, guv’nor. “It took months of my best whining to get my dad to do it!!” Veronica says happily.

“Next we have this beautiful necklace for just ten pounds…” says the drawling voice on the 17-inch TV.

“How much is that in American money?” Betty asks, concerned.

“Who cares?” Veronica responds hungrily. Betty gets bored. She can’t even try this stuff on! It’s mall time, homie.

Buying stuff shouldn’t be easy. It should be really hard. You should be American Ninja Warror-ing your way to a pair of jeans.

After spending roughly $4,000 on commemorative belt buckles, Veronica starts getting bored too. It’s mall time, homie. But first, Archie stops by to check out this special home shopping network that everyone’s been talking about at the ol’ watering hole! Veronica misses the mall. She looks quite haggard, like she just suffered through a large home shopping enema.

Archie’s got an idea! He goes to his car to get some audio equipment. Listen to this dumb shit:

“First we turn on the faucet and put this walkie-talkie here… and place the other on this table, and we have the sound of a waterfall… then we put a frozen pizza into the microwave to get the smell of a pizza shop! …And we put one of your dad’s dweeby albums on the stereo for mall music! And then I’ll make some mall-type announcements on a mike like this!”

BLIP BLAP BLOOPITY DOO! WELCOME TO THE MALL!

Mr. Lodge gets mad. He didn’t pay $400,000 for a satellite dish so that Veronica can turn their living room into a “cacophonous shopping plaza!” He grabs an ax, intending to chop down the dish like it’s a fucking tree in the backyard.

Well, that’s that. It was fun while it lasted. It’s mall time, homie.

THIS OCCASION CALLS FOR SOME CONVERTIBLE DRIVIN’!

Final Thoughts

Dear Betty and Veronica, my name is Margaret Sappingstrom from Borking Falls, Colorado. Why does my nail polish smell like burning brain? Thank you.

This is Veronica! Great question! What I would do is grab all your nail polish, open them all up, and take a nice, big huff! If it still smells like things are on fire, call 9-1-1 and alert the fire station. They’ll spray you with a hose! Thanks for writing!