Jughead (Vol. 2), Issue #44

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Jughead (Vol. 2), Issue #44!

Jughead (Vol. 2), Issue #44 [April, 1993]

”He Who Laughs Lasts” – Al Hartley

Journalist Jughead jots notes down in the Riverdale High School hallway! “This is humiliating!!!” screams Reggie so indignantly that each sentence requires three exclamation points. “My dad publishes the town paper!!! But… *choke*… Jughead is the hottest writer on the school paper!!! I can’t stand it!!!”

Someone gives Reggie a valium suppository. Then, with the determination and conviction of someone with a shirt that says his own first name on it, Reggie stomps off and declares that he will prove that he can write, too! Veronica tells him that no one fucking asked him to do anything. In fact, so suck a muffler you ol’ charley horse.

As Reggie leaves to write about the toxic waste being dumped in the school cafeteria baked beans, a particularly ugly girl wearing wallpaper for a shirt asks Jughead to write a feature on Valentine’s Day. “…it’s soooo romantic” she says sing-songily while Jughead frowns uneasily like she’s one dash of salt away from eating him.

“Well, THAT’S not romantic!!!” he yelps, pointing at a large heart pinned to the hallway bulletin board that features the following poem:

“Jughead has a needle nose,

And wears a silly hat,

His appetite just grows and grows,

How come he isn’t fat???”

Jughead scribbles notes down frantically as he points out another poem pinned to the board:

“Archie seems to mean so well,

But trouble always traps him,

We know each day that time will tell,

How accidents always happen!!!”

Betty asks who could be doing such a rude display of beautiful, heartfelt poetry. Veronica knows who it is…

But lo’! There’s one about Veronica!

I know, right? No one is supposed to know about her sexual affair with the mirror!

Veronica confronts Reggie about his terrible, turrible poetry. All Reggie cares about is that he can’t write for shit, let alone make such iambic pentameter-laden art! He stares in shock – SHOCK – at one about Weatherbee:

“Riverdale has lots of class,

The students are invincible,

So the faculty always comes in last,

Especially the principal!!!”

“This is outrageous!!!” Weatherbee grits his teeth like he’s taking a massive Reggie-sized dump. “Jughead!!! You’re a reporter!!! Find this insolent graffiti gadfly!!! Leave no stone unturned!!!”

Jughead is like “shit, now I actually have to do some work.” Then he dons his most sketchy, child-molestin’ trench coat and plays the part of detective. “We’ve got a mystery on our hands!!!” he smiles as he hides his boner quite ably. “The clues are obvious!!! It’s a matter of simple deduction!!! Follow me!!!”

Not Jayne Mansfield! B-b-b-b-but I thought she got her head chopped off!

It was Miss Grundy all along! You see, she’s a bitter old spinster who hates romance. Case closed!

“How could you do such a thing???” Weatherbee gripes. Grundy calls his ass uptight. Weatherbee has immediately learned the error of his ways and presents his own poem:

“Okay, so we’ve had our fun,

And comic Valentines are traditional,

I’m not going to be the one…

To make my love conditional!!!”

And we end with Jughead’s:

“The lazy hearts with comic shaft,

Don’t come from Cupid’s quiver,

So do we cry or do we laugh,

It depends… are we receiver or giver?”

Then everyone dies when the planes hit the Twin Towers.

”Cater to Me”

Jughead is starting a catering service. “No one knows more about food than I do!!!” he explains as he drives his beaten-down jalopy to the Lodge residence. Archie and Betty are tagging along to either be moral support or to eat all the food and piss off Mr. Lodge, causing him to release the hounds. In any case, we’re sure to encounter some hilarity and joking-off.

The first thing Jughead does to set up the party is plop down a giant, melting ice carving of Hiram Lodge’s head on the table, pissing off Smithers. Next, Archie burns the hors d’oeuvres, pissing off Mr. Lodge and causing a five-alarm fire in the kitchen.

Death by smoke inhalation! Will the jocularity never cease?!

As acrid smoke fills the house, Jughead calmly invites the guests into the next room… which contains the indoor swimming pool. Mr. And Mrs. Van Smyth fall right in with a SPLOOSH.

Hiram Lodge is positively masturbating with fury. “Jughead, take your crew and get out!!!” he screams. But wait, Lodge’s guests are having a blast. “What a clever idea for a pool party!!!” one screams to the heavens. Lodge, brow furrowed, wonders why everyone is having a good time in spite of Jughead’s jug-headedness.

Then Lodge pushes Archie into the pool. That actually happens. And it’s over.

”Class by Himself”

Mr. Weatherbee’s mother peels out on her motorcycle. I’m not even joking! It’s a thing that happens while Mr. Weatherbee hollers out of his office window.

Jughead wears his “Nose for News” jacket, and the kid certainly has a big nose. “I can include her in my interview with Mr. Weatherbee!!!” he jubilates, running into the school. Meanwhile, Weatherbee was not expecting a visit from his dear old, decrepit, desiccated, motorcycle-riding, ass-tearin’ mother. “Quick!!!” he yells to Miss Grundy. “Find my mother’s picture!!! Put it on my desk!!! Where are those cookies she sent me???”

Mother Weatherbee walks in looking like a Hell’s Angel. Jughead follows suit, much to Weatherbee’s chagrin. “It’s time for our interview, sir!!!” he grins like a shithead. Weatherbee chokes back a sputter as his mother stands there anticipating some very private interview questions such as “When did you lose your virginity?” and “What’s with that scat fetish of yours?”

Weatherbee doesn’t need Jughead’s help to embarrass him in front of his own mother. He does a good job of handling it all on his own.

RIP Mr. Weatherbee. Drowned in his own office like a complete failure.

It appears that Svenson the groundskeeper was washing windows and Weatherbee decided to open the window at that moment like the World’s Biggest Loser Son. Weatherbee gives Svenson a piece of his fat-clogged mind while Jughead gets some “excellent” quotes from Mother like “if you’re going to be in charge of others, you must be in charge of yourself” and “a penny saved is a penny earned” and “who ate the family cat?” This comic gets pretty sappy because, in spite of all evidence, she loves her wretched, large boy.

“Waldo knows I love him,” she says. “but I’ve given him the freedom to be himself!!!”

“If my wings were big enough…” Weatherbee retorts. “I think I’d fly away and try to find myself!!!”

That’s it. That’s how this story ends. No one laughs once and everyone is dumber in the end.

”Food Fight”

Jughead, Archie, and Betty are enjoying a lovely evening watching Fisting Anal Sluts in Heat on TBS when a commercial break interrupts the action. “INVASION TIME!” Jughead screams bewilderingly as Betty and Archie are duly alarmed. “First I’ll attack the leftover meatloaf!” Jughead says with conviction. “Then I’ll wipe out any cold chicken that I find! After that,” Jughead’s teeth turn razor sharp, the ferality in his manner is uncontrollable, “it’s seek and destroy all goodies I locate!”

Jughead runs to the refrigerator. LOL LOL LOLL LOLL.

Hot Dog in “Problem Solver”

This one features Jughead’s useless pup. Jughead throws him a muffin at the dinner table while Jughead’s parents give the “I wish we never procreated” look. “Jughead, we’ve got to do something about your dog’s begging,” cries Mr. Jughead, who calls him “Jughead” just like all the knuckleheads at the ol’ school. “Anything to keep him away from the table!”

Hot Dog is really hamming it up! Ha! Kill me dead!

”Girls Galore”

Oh man, I know what this one’s gonna be about! Jughead starts a harem and gets his dick sucked by 13 girls at once even though he’s completely distracted by a roast beef sandwich.

I was close! Archie nudges his asexual pal Jughead and points out that the girls in school seem to get prettier every year. Jughead puts on a charade where, for the benefit of his friend, he pretends to be at all interested. “For years I’ve tried to avoid female entanglement!!! But it’s getting harder all the time!!!” He’s positively screaming this as the girls walk up and down the hallways, strutting their stuff and making a ruckus in Archie’s pants. “Look at that… wall-to-wall beauties!!!” he yells while the girls, for some reason, look at them and smile broadly.

Jughead takes the moment to dunk on Archie’s dating game. “You don’t make it look like fun, pal!!!” he says angrily, prodding Archie right in the chest with a long, bony finger. “Look at Samson and Delilah! Remember what happened when Antony dated Cleopatra!!!”

“THE PAGES OF HISTORY ARE FULL OF BAD ENDINGS, JUG!!!” Archie all but busts a vein in his forehead while no teacher comes to the hallway to suspend these two rabblerousers. “BUT THE HALLS OF RIVERDALE ARE FULL OF GOOD BEGINNINGS!!!”

Jughead takes this opportunity to, instead, run to the cafeteria. Archie, smiling, surrounded by girls, says “Well, eat your heart out, Jug!!! In a half hour, your choice will be gone!!! I’ll be enjoying smorgasbord all day!!!”

Jughead looks drunk while eating a sad pile of hamburgers. He dies alone of a heart attack at age 22.

The end.