Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200!

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200 [July, 2010]

”It’s Good to Be 200!” – Dan Parent

Congrats, Veronica! You’re 200 years old or something!

Veronica gets meta and talks about how she can’t believe it’s already been 200 issues. So many adventures! So many places visited: Japan, Australia, India, Italy, Canada, Kuwait, North Korea, the jungles of Borneo, and Walmart. “In my 100th issue, I even took a trip out of this world on a space shuttle to the moon!”

Yeesh, that sounds like it sucks. Who would want to go to the moon? There’s no Xbox on the moon. Can’t plug it in anywhere.

“And just when I thought I’d been everywhere… I discovered somewhere I’d never been!” Veronica says, smiling widely. I guess we’re going to hear ALLLL about it now. Does anyone care? It doesn’t sound exciting to me. Not like the thrill of an Xbox.

Veronica can thank Dilton and her cousin Marcy for finding this place. She overheard Marcy on the phone a few weeks ago, something about Dilton’s latest stupid, useless, possibly erotic invention. It could change mankind as we know it! Marcy is dressed like a mom and I bet she would be slobbering all over Dilton’s dick if it weren’t completely socially unacceptable to do in Riverdale.

“I wonder if those two are having a secret romance,” Veronica smiles broadly like it isn’t disgusting. “They’re perfect for each other! Geeks in love!”

Veronica follows Marcy all the way to Dilton’s garage, where he welcomes Marcy with open arms.

Right? Makes me sick.

Veronica watches as Marcy and Dilton walk onto a Stargate platform and hold hands while these high-voltage apparatuses start humming and buzzing. Then it whiiirrrrrrrrs. Then there’s a blinding flash of light. And now there are two corpses on the garage floor! Won’t Father be surprised!

“I’d better make sure they’re all right,” Veronica says as she approaches the garage. “Yoo-hoo! Dilton? Marcy? Are you okay?”

They gone, bitch. Veronica thinks that maybe these two dorks are messing with her, but another big flash proves her hella wrong. They come back all sorts of dazed and confused, and not in a Matthew McConaughey way. And they’re extra confused to see Veronica snooping around the place.

“Veronica! What are you doing here?!” Dilton asks.

“Never mind that!” Veronica replies. “Where did you two go?!”

“It’s complicated!” says Dilton.

“Try me!” says Veronica smugly.

“We’d better tell her!” says a nervous Marcy. “She’ll hound us until we divulge our secret project!”

They bound and gag Veronica, stuff her in a bag, and throw her in the river. Bye bye, Veronica. No more Veronica.

“This transporter takes you to a special place!” Dilton says happily, still not getting to the point, really padding out Issue #200 here unnecessarily. It’s a time machine! It can take you to Riverdale, except, like, Past Riverdale (where the dinosaurs roamed with Mr. Weatherbee)! Or Future Riverdale (where the robots roam with Mr. Weatherbee)!

Veronica thinks this lunacy is loony! Too much science fiction from these two, huh? Too much Space Invaders and too much ALF! Well, Marcy and Dilton get peeved at Veronica’s close-mindedness and decide to prove it to her.

ZAP! We tricked her! Veronica’s finally dead! YAAYYY!!

They set their watches to five years ago to the day and zap their way through space and time and dimensions and alternate universes and other stuff that the paralyzed wheelchair scientist used to talk about constantly.

They arrive at their pre-Covid destination.

“It’s five years ago!”

“Prove it!”

“Let’s go to Pop’s!”

“Fine! Then we can forget all this time travel silliness!”

Guess what’s not silly? This time travel silliness, because the gang is at Pop’s and they’re all, like, 7 years old. Veronica believes it now! Her eyes have been opened to the possibilities of killing Hitler as a baby, which will be next on their trip after a delicious hamburger!

Veronica sees herself all peppy and loaded with vim and vigor! She looks the same.

“Oh! There’s me! I’m so adorable!” Veronica says. Marcy looks annoyed. “Don’t be so hard on yourself!” she says.

Then there’s trouble a’brewin’!

It’s Colombian Necktie time for young Betty Cooper.

“STOP! Veronica, you can’t mess with the past! How would you react if a future version of yourself confronted you?”

“I guess that could get messy!”

Yeah. Messy like yo underpants.

Young Archie and Young Veronica get very upset and these snoopy snoopers who are snooping on them from outside. “Are we being spied on?” Young Veronica asks, arms about five different kinds of akimbo. Marcy gets scared like they’re a pack of hyenas. “They’re coming! We’ve got to set our watches!”

A flash later, and Marcy and Veronica are BACK TO THE FUTURE, MARTY! Veronica is more than pleased as punch! What a great invention, Dilton! *noogie*

Later, Mrs. Lodge treats Veronica to an announcement! “We’re thinking of going back to Paris for summer vacation!”

Veronica is bored. “Okay.”

Mrs. Lodge is nonplussed. “You don’t sound very excited–!”

Veronica is frustrated. “It’s just that we’ve been there so many times!”

Mrs. Lodge is patient. “Well, there’s Greece, Ireland…”

Veronica is annoyed. “Been there. Done that.”

Mrs. Lodge is unperturbed. “Well, think it over. Let’s go somewhere we’ve never been!”

Veronica is thoughtful. How about Riverdale before she was born! Cool, idea! Then maybe she can kill Betty Cooper’s parents before they fuck and she can have the boring redheaded kid all to herself! A devious plan, to be sure, but there are very few options here. Yes, yes.

So she schemes upon how to get back to that time machine. She’ll have to roofie Dilton and chloroform Marcy… oh, never mind, they’re conveniently leaving the garage. Perfect! Veronica wants to travel to 1969 when everyone was listening to Abbey Road and enjoying many hip mind-altering substances!

In 1969 she visits Pop’s and finds a nice surprise. Mr. Weatherbee, who looks like the dude from Doonsebury! And Miss Grundy! And boy, was there ever a scandal!

That’s right, baby! Weatherbee and Grundy could fuck with the best of ‘em!

They call each other Sugarpie and Butterbean, which causes Veronica to chortle. This draws the ire of Weatherbee and Grundy and, well, you know, one thing leads to another, and suddenly Grundy thinks Veronica is out to steal her little Weatherbee!

I like to imagine that Grundy is a E5 Black Belt in Krav Maga and is about to tear Veronica a new b-hole, so Veronica goes “Yikes!” and sets her watch back to the present. But the damage has been done! “I don’t like how you looked at her, Waldo!” she says to a poor, hapless, confused Weatherbee. “I’m breaking up with you!!”

Weatherbee all like “!”

Next, Veronica visits 1975 and, because there’s nothing else to do in Riverdale in any era, goes to Pop’s. She finds Archie’s mom looking all sexy and MILFy sitting in the diner waiting to be courted by a young lover! This is gonna get saucy!

Veronica catches two young dudes walking up the diner. “I’m meeting this girl Mary here,” says the one that looks like a skeezy Errol Flynn. “I think she likes me!”

Veronica Lodge: Literal decades of floozyin’.

The curly redhead merely smiles wanly at Mr. Happy over here. Then Veronica walks past them and accidently trips Errol Flynn into a big, muddly puddle! The dude understands. These things happen, sort of, kind of, not really. “I’d better go change,” he says, leaving the curly redheaded Mr. Andrews to go fuck his prospective girlfriend while Mrs. Andrews watches Veronica fondle her real date. That Ronnie is really fucking shit up. I love it. This is time travel done right, by the way. None of that Looper horse hockey.

Back in the present, Archie shows up at Dilton’s to get some THC gummies. But mid-sentence, he disappears in a BLIP!

“Where’d he go?” Marcy panics.

“He just disappeared!” Dilton panics.

“How could that be?” Marcy panics.

“I think I know!” Dilton anti-panics. “One of the watches is missing!”

“You don’t think…”

“Veronica!”

Veronica, indeed. That bitch is tearing holes in the space-time continuum! Marcy is going to track her down with the other watch. She’ll start in 3,400 BC, then she’ll try 1975. Then she’ll give up.

Arms hella folded, Marcy pops into Pop’s pop-shop ready to scold Ms. Rich Bitch for ruining the history of time forever. Veronica’s like “ok lol you caught me, let’s go back,” but Marcy says it’s not that easy. She has to fix something, like her attitude. OR, maybe the fact that Archie disappeared in the present is something worth investigating. I personally don’t think so, but everyone in this comic seems to have a vested interest in Archie’s banal friendship. Don’t ask me why.

Welp, nothing we can do about that! Sorry, Archie! Looks like it’s eternal purgatory for you, son!

Veronica has an idea, she’ll turn back the clock 20 minutes to before she knocked that poor sap into the puddle. “Let’s stay back so we don’t interfere!” she says, hiding behind a tree with exaggerated giddyness. The poor sap doesn’t get knocked into a puddle, everyone lives happily ever after, Archie’s parents fuck (really rude fucking, by the way), and then it’s back to Dilton’s to celebrate with a round of Kid Cuisines!

In the present, Archie poofs back into existence except now he has black hair and goth makeup. And a tail. Just kidding! Or am I? He and Veronica hug; she’s glad he exists. It’s really sweet. I’m guessing Betty is dead in a ditch somewhere, which is just a little bit sad.

Dilton, concerned, believes that this time machine is too dangerous in the wrong hands, so he sticks his key in the self-destruct slot, causing an explosion the size of three Little Boys and one Fat Man to destroy Riverdale and its 900 surrounding cities and towns.

The group goes to Pop’s to celebrate an evening of not fucking up history forever, but Veronica has one more thing she has to do before they go…

Using the really-not-destroyed-yet time machine, Veronica travels to the day she was born to wreak more havoc. Accidentally dropping herself down a well, probably!

QUICK! KILL THE NEXT HITLER BEFORE SHE DOES MORE DAMAGE!

After reveling in her parents’ love for her for some reason, probably because there is absolutely no sign of it from either family member these days, Veronica leaves before she can ruin her own life by accidentally sniping her baby self in the head.

Later, Veronica’s mother asks her daughter, again, where she would like to go on vacay. “I’m not sure! In fact… you decide, Mom!” She figures that after visiting 1969 and 1975 and then the year she was born, 1928, she’s had enough adventure in her life. She’s so tickled pink by her fantastical adventures that Hiram Lodge thinks his daughter is angling for some of his hard-earned money again. Pick a man’s pocket will you?? *punch*

Veronica debunks her father’s inklings and she walks away, leaving her parents mildly befuddled. Their child is never one to turn down FREE MONEY for her RAGING COKE HABIT. What the fuck gives?

At school the next day, Veronica calls Weatherbee and Grundy “Sugarpie” and “Butterbean” as she walks out. The two of them look at each other like “BRRRTT!!! WHUUUAAA!!! HONK HONK!!!” and Veronica is quite pleased with herself!

That’s the end. Happy 200 issues, everyone! Here’s to another 10 more, max!