Bill Clinton famously delivered his first State of the Blog Address in between free jazz sessions that rivaled John Coltrane’s prowess even at his most heroin-addicted.

Welcome once again to your irregularly-updated State of the Blog Address. It’s been one year since I bored you all to tears about the behind-the-scenes goings-on of my humble little pile of poop in the landfill that is the World Wide Web Dot Com Amen. My daily web traffic is QUADRUPLED from 0 this time last year, to 0 as of a few days ago! As a celebration, let me continue to give you the inside scoop on how things are going, how things are expected to go in the future, and where my pants are currently located (on my legs).

In general, while new content has slowed down a tad, be assured that I’m still writing like crazy. I’m backlogged on comic book and movie content, for instance. I’m indulging in so many of my introverted hobbies on a regular basis, the kind where I won’t voluntarily see the sun until 2041, that I’m constantly keeping updated on my mission to write about everything I do. This has been achieved by ignoring my wife and children completely and mainlining amphetamines that allow me to stay up until 5:30am on weekdays before I have to get up for work at 6:15.

Why am I jabberjawin’? Let’s get down to brass tacks.

Comic Stuff

Chester A. Arthur gave his third State of the Blog Address on the toilet! He was having sex with his wife at the time, of course.

Loneliness & Cheeseburgers and Ghostliness & Nerfherders are still going strong thanks to my weird new obsession with Batman’s tights and Captain America’s floppy dead penis. Earlier this year, my brand new interest in Star Wars — yes, literally brand new — has allowed me to dip into the Marvel Star Wars and Darth Vader comics. I finished up Paper Girls and am well on my way to finishing up East of West. Right now I’m averaging about 3 – 4 comic book writeups a week and I’m backlogged by about 15 weeks. If I had more free time in my day I’d ideally like to double that and put out a write-up every single day, but that means quitting my shitty job and magically turning my kids 18 years old so they can move out of the house and stop asking me to microwave their mac & cheese! Just kidding! I love my kids! When they’re asleep! LOL!

I’m happy to announce a brand new feature called Stripcreatin’, wherein I use stripcreator.com to create some real low art and release it to my blog in batches. Don’t sleep on that one, it’ll be joyous and satisfying for years to come! Sucky Funnies Sunday has dwindled, but has not at all been abandoned. Crusin’ Thru Calvin & Hobbes has dwindled as well. Not abandoned, but I often forget about it. I promise to keep that one up as well as I can, because someday I’d like to kick off similar run-throughs of Peanuts and Foxtrot. Again, more free time would help this tremendously.

Manga Cum Loudly is very slow go. While I hate manga, I often forget how fun it is to write about how much I hate manga, so I only actually keep reading manga for about two days every few months. I’d love for this feature to be updated more regularly, because it’s honestly a real blast to talk shit about the worst artform known to mankind.

Music Stuff

Dwight D. Eisenhower’s second State of the Blog Address was cut short when he left in a hurry after his Bitcoin mining farm in Iowa exploded.

Haha, yeah right. If you can believe it, almost everything about music, my primary inspiration for starting this blog in the first place, is dead in the water right now. I’m particularly disappointed in my inability to keep up with new music this year and do regular Newer Release Roundup updates. I’ve been listening to pretty much nothing but metal, Anthony Braxton, and lo-fi Zappa concerts. I can’t write about that shit!

Although I did start a feature called The Phish Philes, wherein I listen through Phish shows and break them down in a song-by-song basis. It’s entirely tongue-in-cheek, easy to write, and Phish is perfect background music for doing internet stuff including, but not limited to, non-writing blog-related work. You should be proud of me; being completely sober and liking Phish is a very embarrassing character flaw of mine, and it’s beyond brave to be projecting this online for all 0 of you to see.

Other than that, I plan on continuing my yearly write-ups of the Pitchfork and Quietus year-end lists, writing up my annual own year-end list, and my traditional one-sentence review write-up of every album I listened to this year that I didn’t spotlight in some capacity. That way I can at least feel like I’m writing about the primary topic that this blog was intended to be about in the first place. Oh well.

Other Stuff

George Washington was deemed too fucking ugly by the public to deliver his State of the Blog Address in person. Sorry, George.

Brand new stuff! Check out the Nugatory Newsroom for my takes on weird current events. Look up the word “nugatory”, it’s a real word! Stripcreatin’ will be a new regular feature where I dump a batch of shitty comic strips I made using stripcreator.com; it will surely be funnier than anything you’ll see in the fucking newspaper. And, as I mentioned in a section above, I’ve discovered an interest in Star Wars that I guess can happen out of nowhere at age 35. How sad is that? I also discovered that Star Wars books ain’t half bad, so my infrequently updated Star Wars Storytime shall continue for a while. One out of every four or five books I read is a Star Wars book, so unless my appetite for droids and exploding planets and whiny lightsaber-wielding children increases dramatically, I wouldn’t expect this to be updated too frequently.

An uptick in my interest in movies has resulted in a pretty frequently updated Flicked Off!, and returning to my love of books after a few years has resulted in a semi-frequently updated Book Bonfire. My continued love for TV means a continually updated Through the Idiot Glass. I’d expect these features to continue indefinitely until I either find outdoor hobbies (unlikely) or fall into a volcano (slightly more likely).

It’s incredibly fun to write X-Files and Buffy episode write-ups for the Fantasy/Sci-Fi Diaries, but until I get more TV-viewing free time I’d rather, for now, watch shows I haven’t seen before. I’d love to make this a very regular habit, because I have lofty ambitions to do this same thing for each episodic Star Trek series, each Stargate series, Angel, Babylon 5, and Farscape. Yeah. I know. First I’ll have to win the lottery.

Future Stuff

Man, I’d love to write more general shit for Dear Journal on a regular basis, but I lack the creativity to come up with some off-the-cuff ideas lately! Oh well.

I’m going to roll out a feature soon where I shitpost about the video games I’m playing. It will surely make any visitor to my website cringe and throw pots, pans, and various other kitchenware into the wall in the fit of rage. Also, an idea I’ve had for years now is running through Earthbound and posting about it from Ness’ point of view. It’s quite an undertaking, though, and I don’t think I’m ready to handle it right now. I also want to do similar run-throughs for Pokémon Red/Blue and Skyrim, but I’m going to need to win about three lotteries total to be able to do any of this shit on the regular without giving up after three weeks!

That just about covers it! I look forward to continuing to write in this blog for years to come, unless of course I forget to pay the extravagant web hosting fees. Peace out, homie bros.