“Agent Dana Scully is instructed to debunk an FBI project dubbed ‘The X-Files,’ cases linked to the paranormal that have been reopened by Agent Fox Mulder.“

I’m told by an intro card that this story was inspired by actual documented accounts, which basically means some high-as-balls Gen-Xer spent 40 hours dehydrated in a desert.

The opening scene shows a frightened woman running through some woods in Oregon. After she trips, a mysterious man approaches and a flash of blinding white light kills her! Spooky! This is one for the Ex-Files.

They didn’t warn me about this kind of shit at Quantico.

Agent Dana Scully, not a day older than 26, gets pulled into her supervisor’s office to discuss Agent “Loose Cannon” Foxy Mulder and her reassignment. She is now tasked with keeping a close eye on this guy for the next seven years in order to expose him for the crazy quack that he is! For the greater good. Also, she’s a logical skeptic, and frankly, she’s bugging everyone in the office too.

Scully wastes no time meeting her newest buddy. I’ve always been jealous of Mulder’s windowless basement office. As a guy who hates people and sunlight, it would be my dream to be holed up in a remote part of the building. I’d finally get some Wheel of Time reading done!

Go fuck yourself with your Quantico training. You’re going to start seeing some real shit now.

Mulder shows his newest partner a well-prepared slide show of the incident with the woman who died in the woods, Karen Swensen. She has two marks on her body that look like she was bitten by an evil alien vampire! Scully declares that she wasn’t bitten by an evil alien vampire, which causes Mulder to go all smug-face. Also, I wasn’t listening that closely anyway!

The duo travels to Oregon by airplane, in which Mulder takes up about five seats. The turbulence makes him horny. Once they land, they take a car to their next destination: a cemetery where Mulder intends to exhume a corpse of a kid who died of similar causes. If I were Scully I would be quite suspicious that my new partner wants to actually fuck that corpse, but he’ll never actually do that kind of thing in front of her. Silly goose.

The first confrontation of the series happens at the cemetery, where Mulder accuses the doctor in charge of the autopsy of not really autopsying very thoroughly. The dude gets mad and yells at the sexy man with indignation! Why is the FBI always poking their noses around crimes? Leave the crimes to the medical doctors!

With all due respect, Doctor, I don’t think kicking the body around with your shoe counts as a full autopsy!

I lol’ed out loud when they dig up the casket, drop it, and it rolls about seventy feet down the hill where it pops open and reveals what Mulder believes desiccated alien corpse. It has a hole in its mummified face shaped like a vagina. A human vagina! The plot thickens like so much floury gravy.

During her own take on the autopsy, Scully finds an object implanted in the body that’s shaped like one of those short green pieces from a K’Nex set. Very curious. I’m quivering with anticipation.

Sculder and Mully visit a mental health care facility where they intend to talk to two additional victims of an evil alien vampire! A coma kid and a wheelchair lady. Once the thrashing, angry young wheelchair woman flails enough to expose those two marks that were also found on the dead woman, Scully gets mad that Mulder was right. Mad that Mulder was right and that he thinks it’s aliens. Mad that Mulder was right and that he thinks it’s aliens and now Scully is going to have a tougher time writing up those debunking reports for the Big Boss.

Mulder wants to traipse through the woods now; every victim has been attacked in the woods, so let’s take our chances too! Perhaps we’ll get abducted and get hella probed and fondled. There’s that horniness coming out again in full force!

While in the woods, they encounter an officer of the local sheriff’s department, who gets cross with these two FBI agents and insists that they get the fuck out before he does some good old fashioned Orgeon-style shotgun shoot-’em-ups. Mulder is not going to stop meddling. Mulder never stops meddling.

Earlier in the episode, on the way to the cemetery, they drive through a strange flux of extraterrestrial alien spacetime warp quantum physics tear in the fabric of earthly delights. Mulder made a note of the location, and now he’s driving through that same stretch of road again. He checks his watch, it’s 9:03, there’s a flash of light, the two are disoriented, Mulder checks his watch, it’s 9:12, he runs out in the rain hooting and hollering about the aliens. He sees the “X” he drew on the road earlier with red paint and he straight up whips that dick out and strokes himself to completion.

Scully… your hair smells like raspberries and residual Quantico training sweat.

That night, Scully types up her report on her whiz-bang 1993 portable FBI laptop, trying to throw Mulder under the bus the best she can, and the power goes out. No more laptop typing, because apparently her whiz-bang 1993 portable FBI laptop needs 110 volts at all times. She lights a candle and heads off to the bathroom, intending to take a shower. After some risqué shots of underpants and side-thigh, she is thoroughly alarmed by something unknown and scoots off to Mulder’s motel room for a second opinion. The first scene of sexual tension happens when she disrobes and he feels the bumps she discovered on the small of her back. They’re mosquito bites. He touches them for another 45 minutes with a glazed look in his sad, Mulder eyes.

A bond has now been solidified! They share a candlelit evening where Mulder discloses his sister’s disappearance when they were children. Possibly alien abducted. By aliens. This isn’t much of a secret, as subsequent episodes will show Mulder screaming about this to anyone who will hear him and/or listen and/or sort of looking at him while he rants. His whole life from that point forward has been dedicated to finding out what happened. THUS, the X-Files were born! Because the first 23 letters were taken.

They find out the thrashing wheelchair lady died. They visit her dead body and her wristwatch shows 9:03. Mulder gets all riled up again. They return to the motel and it’s on fire, destroying Scully’s laptop and all the evidence. Mulder is BESIDE HIMSELF and his acting has never been so Emmy-worthy. Such a glorious display of “AHHH!” and “THE EVIDENCE!” and “BAAAHHH!!”

Autopsy doctor has been lying. He’s in cahoots with the officer of the sheriff’s department. Something’s fishy here and it stinks like fish. Time to exhume more corpses! And before he even digs up one bone, he has an epiphany! The coma kid! The coma kid from the hospital! The coma kid who has been in a coma for the last four years has used his magic coma powers to lure these people to the woods in order to put dots on their body.

Mulder and Scully visit the coma kid in the hospital and poke him around for a bit, trying to get a reaction out of him. Poking and prodding. Mulder touches his gross foot, Scully extracts and item from it, and they hightail out of there.

Back to the woods! Maybe they’ll find more evidence, but what they find is another screaming person. While chasing after the location of the screen, Mr. Sheriff Guy bunts Scully in the face with his gun and trains it at Mulder. Mulder is like “NO!” and they see Coma Kid (with dots on his back) lifting up an unconscious woman and that white light happens again. The wind swirls. The woman is gone. Coma Kid still stands. He’s not a coma kid anymore. His back dots are gone.

I’m here for your offering! Now please give me back my shirt!

No-Longer-Coma kid gives a testimony at the FBI Headquarters, where he talks about “them” who implanted a chip up his nose that made him do bad things. He’s afraid “they” will come back again. Mulder looks at Scully with an “I told you so” face. Scully submits her shitty report about the aliens, which pisses off her direct supervisor. Every question she’s asked is answered with some permutation of “uhhh not sure”.

BUT, she does have a piece of evidence that wasn’t destroyed in the fire! A vial containing the K’Nex piece. They ran a chemistry test on it, the material is unidentifiable! Crazy, right? It’s like space is full of elements that didn’t come from space. Totally reasonable.

That night, Mulder calls Scully at 11:22 in the fucking evening because he can’t sleep. He tells her that her case file isn’t in the database. It’s hella gone. Destroyed, see. It’s a shady coverup.

The episode ends with Cigarette Smoking Man walking through a giant Pentagon warehouse full of evidence from various cases. He pulls out a box containing several other vials containing implants. He adds Scully’s vial to the box and re-shelves it.

I am always losing my keys!

Next Time on the X-Files

Season 1, Episode 2 — “Deep Throat”
Mulder and Scully bust into an alien porn studio and Mulder takes closeup shots of alien genitalia for his “research”.