The X-Files – Season 1, Episode 11 – “Eve”

“Mulder and Scully search for two girls who disappeared after their fathers were murdered in an identical fashion.“

I don’t have a joke for this description! I don’t remember this episode, but it sounds like an interesting premise.

GREENCHWICH, CONNECTICUT. A cozy, upper middle class neighborhood in the autumn. A jogging couple spots a girl standing out in front of her house with no jacket. They stop to check on her and she says her daddy is in the backyard. They find daddy in the backyard. Daddy’s dead on the swingset with two vampire fang-like puncture wounds in his neck. Cue the Mulder PowerPoint Presentation that they call the opening credits.

“75% blood loss. That’s over four liters of blood,” Scully says, examining the autopsy report at FBI Headquarters.
“I guess you could say he was running on empty,” Mulder japes with a joke that works on 75% of a level.

The girl is barely a witness. She wasn’t there during the killing and she doesn’t remember any of the events leading up to it. Mulder takes this moment to interrupt Scully and starts talking about cattle mutilation. Although this bloodletting is the first time he’s seen it on a human being, he’s getting moist in the loins just thinking about it! He’s licking his lips, look at him.

Cow vampires, Scully. I’d recognize these neck wounds anywhere.

Scully looks at more documents and sees some fucking witness reports about spaceships and aliens. You can sense her anger and frustration bubbling to the surface already! Off to Connecticut, team.

Mulder and Scully visit a foster home where Tina, the girl, is being placed until a foster family can take her home. The duo gain an audience with the girl and start interrogating her with very prying questions like “did you ever see any strangers with your daddy at home?” and “can you think of anyone who might want to hurt your daddy?” and “why aren’t you giving us the goods, here?”

Tina remembers red lightning. Mulder perks up! Tina has seen this once before when the “men from the clouds were after her dad”. Mulder perks up further! Tina says the men from the clouds wanted to exsanguinate her dad. Consider Mulder fully perked!

Scully gets a call. There’s another exsanguination near San Francisco. It’s a very similar house with a very similar swingset and the circumstances are almost identical. Based on the report, the killing happened at nearly the exact same moment as Tina’s dad’s killing over on the east coast. The police report also indicates that the man’s daughter remembers nothing. The girl is staying with her mother in Sacramento — Mulder and Scully will bug the shit out of her with questions the next morning.

My case files have determined that this swingset is made out of 6061 aluminum alloy. Fascinating.

During the night, Tina hears scraping sounds outside the bedroom door. She barricades the door to no avail! The figure breaks into the room just as Tina hides under the bed. Then a bright white light! Tina gone, son.

Mulder and Scully caught wind of this, uh, “kidnapping” by the next morning. They seem nonchalant since they have other things to worry about — such as this other girl in California looks identical to Tina right down to the… face. Her name is Cindy Reardon and she’s been in California her whole life. Mulder asks the mother if Cindy is an only child (yes). Scully asks if Cindy was adopted (no). Mother Reardon starts getting upset with this UNRELENTING BARRAGE OF QUESTIONS, so Mulder brings out the big guns: a picture of Tina with her father. Mother Reardon is confused. This girl is Tina! Mother Reardon is confused. Tina is another girl! Mother Reardon is confused. Scully tries to explain and she sounds like a nutcase. Mother Reardon offers to show the agents video tapes of Cindy’s birth, which would get a big “fuck no” from me.

Mulder asks the big question now. “In vitro fertilization”? Ding ding ding.

The cherubic face of a cold-blooded killer.

As they leave, Scully is all “there is obviously a reasonable explanation for two identical girls on opposite sides of the country having their fathers exsanguinated at the exact same time”, which even gets a raised eyebrow from me. Mulder’s going to keep an eye on Cindy because he expects the same kidnapping. Scully scopes out the hospital where Mother Reardon underwent the in vitro fertilization procedure. Scully finds records of a woman named Dr. Sally Kendrick who did some rather questionable experiments. The hospital has evidence that Kendrick was using stored fertilized eggs to perform her own genetic studies in the lab. She was promptly fired, and then she disappeared. Scully thinks this new development is rather sexy. Definitely no aliens. Wait until Mulder hears about this!

Later in the motel, Mulder stares at Scully through his mom eyeglasses and asks if this woman had a vendetta against the hospital. Scully entertains the possibility, and even Mulder is somewhat swayed against aliens for about six seconds. Or at least he leads Scully to believe that. He certainly is quick to shove her out of the motel room so he can do some of his patented late night investigating that usually lands him in jail or in a ditch somewhere.

You’re right, Mulder, it IS difficult to watch the TV from this angle.

Mulder bumps into his buddy Deep Throat, who just happens to be in California for an evening stroll! He regales Mulder with the tale of the Litchfield experiments, “a most interesting project”. All records have since been destroyed, and anyone involved will deny their involvement. Genetic experiments in the ’50s to craft the ultimate human being. Eugenics, man, far out. They made a whole crop of little humans. “The boys were called Adam. The girls were called Eve.”

Deep Throat sends him off to a correctional facility to talk to Eve 6 (the rock band, ha!), where Mulder and Scully find a woman held prisoner in solitary confinement like a little murderer. They find the woman shackled and straitjacketed. She’s Dr. Sally Kendrick. She’s a loony psychotic nutcase.

“They made me, but did they suffer? No. I suffered.” The Litchfield Experiments were a bitch. These little Adams and Eves have extra chromosomes. Not the ones that cause a debilitating lack of mental faculties, but quite the opposite! Super strength! Super hearing! Super smartiness! Super schizophrenia!

The dental plan they’ve got in the loony bin is bullshit.

Eve 6 shows them a photo of all the Eves. They all look identical. Mulder surmises that Eve 6 was using the hospital to create more Eve clones, and he supposes that they may have found the two that have been unaccounted for — the ones who may have killed the girls’ fathers.

They return to to the Reardon house to watch the inevitable abduction. Scully wonders if the girls know who they are. Mulder hopes not. Just then a brilliant white light emenates from the closet and a figure steps out to grab Cindy. Time to move move move! Mulder and Scully SECURE THE PERIMETER and catch the culprit in the act. Mulder shines a flashlight brighter than the sun at the individual smuggling the child out of the house and it’s an Eve. “Which one are you?” Mulder asks. “Eve 7 or Eve 8?”

Eve 6 has a gun and Mulder backs off while she drives off with the girl. The useless police are on the scene soon taking notes and eating donuts and strangling their wives and whatever else cops do. Mulder and Scully don’t really know what to do next at this point, so they just kind of stand around and look pretty.

Eve 6 squirrels Cindy away to some kind of safehouse by the ocean. Cindy maintains her completely emotionless disposition. Eve introduces Cindy to Tina, who maintains her completely emotionless disposition.

I don’t remember why a picture of the girls would be burning in a fireplace, but here it is anyway!

Scully came up with a good idea: shut down the airport! Maybe that’ll work. Mulder thinks she’s an idiot.

Eve 6 chatters to the girls about how much she’s been keeping an eye on both of them. After all, Eve 6 didn’t start showing her homicidal tendencies until her 20s, and these girls are already exsanguinating at age 8? You thunder-stealing little bitches. The girls already knew of each other’s existence and they have a look in their eyes that suggests they’re going to exsanguinate themselves an Eve pretty damn quick. Eve 6 warns them that they need to break away from their urges and live a life of peace and harmony. The little girls smirk while Eve suddenly starts shaking: they spiked her drink with the same additive that numbed their fathers’ bodies before they killed them. Let’s get this show on the road!

The police with Mulder and Scully in tow arrive at the safe house. They were tipped off by a groundskeeper. They bust in and discover Eve 6 dead. The girls are huddled in the corner pretending to be victims, saying that Eve 6 was working with an accomplice and they tried to force them to drink the bad, bad liquid. Scully hugs them and tells them that they’re safe now. Such good girls. Just like those twins from The Shining!

I’m seein’ double here! Four Eves!

Scully and Mulder intend to take the girls to hospital for evaluation. While in the car, the girls claim to need the bathroom. They all stop at a diner where Mulder orders four drinks and OH I THINK WE CAN ALL GUESS WHAT MAY HAPPEN NEXT.

Ok, I’ll write it out anyway. One girl slips out of the bathroom and spikes two drinks with the numbing additive. Suspense! I’m all a-tingle! The audience can’t tell if Mulder is onto them or not. Once he gets out of the bathroom, he takes a sip of one, claims it’s sweet, and offers the girl a sip. She declines. Mulder left his keys in the diner. Scully takes a sip of her own drink. Mulder gets his keys and discovers the green residue of the numbing additive! Suspense!

This cow ejaculate is fantastic!

Running to Scully, he knocks the drink out of her hand and tells her that an attempted poisoning has been masterminded! The girls have disappeared. More suspense! I have to pee really badly but I can’t look away! Not right now!

Mulder eventually finds the girls and grabs them and screams for Scully like a dang kidnapper. A guy gets out of his truck and threatens Mulder with a gun, so he gives up the girls. They escape again. OK, I’m going to pee now.

Did I miss anything? After a few more contrived escape attempts, Mulder finally catches the girls and they know that they have been defeated.

In the correctional facility, the girls have their own solitary confinement cells. They are now designated Eve 9 and Eve 10. A woman in enters the area dressed in a lab coat: revealing herself to be Eve 8.

Suspense!