“Mulder and Scully track a legendary creature that has roamed the New Jersey countryside for over forty years.“

I remember this one scraping the bottom of the barrel from what Season 1 has to offer. That means you shouldn’t pass up this post; I imagine it’ll be quite amusing.

A family of four are driving along an empty road in the middle of the night. The car appears to be a model from the 1940s. The family are singing Bingo like they’re the Ned and Todd Flanders when, suddenly, they get a flat tire. Something grabs the dad while he’s out there trying to fix it! You all know what happens next. It’s the Jersey Devil! Rawr!

A search party of mustachioed police officers discovers a body we don’t see on screen, but I’m sure it’s all creepily fucked up with the dismembered penis in the dismembered butt. One officer is like “LOOKEE OVER HERE” and they all meet up at a scary cave with a scary creature in it. You all know what happens next. It’s the Jersey Devil! Rawr!

They shoot a bunch of bullets in the cave. Cue intro. I’m fascinated already! I sure love episodes of anything that begins in the woods. Always an intriguing time. I’m told.

Scully enters the office fresh as a daisy for a new day of work! She’s got some news that’ll knock Mulder’s dick in the dirt: some homeless piece of shit got some limbs chewed off in the woods outside of Atlantic City! Not their case though, right Mulder? This is routine stuff. The local police are handling it… well, not today, Scullface! This reeks of an X-File and you know it, you nasty woman you. We’re gonna go to New Jersey! Hold your nose.

Scully, these women do things you never would do for me.

First stop, the Atlantic City morgue where they poke and prod to their hearts’ content. BUT, who comes strolling in other than DETECTIVE PISSY FACE THOMPSON who doesn’t want the FBI snooping around his case EVEN THOUGH it appears that the body was partially eaten by a human and that’s X-File territory, buster. Jeffrey Dahmer stuff, and the like. Mulder makes this Thompson guy mad and he gets all sore about it, but Mulder gets the last laugh! This guy is never going to figure it out! You all know what happens next. It’s the Jersey Devil! Rawr!

Scully needs to get back to D.C. in time for his godson’s birthday party, so Mulder’s like “have fun, I’m sticking around here for the weekend” and walks away. Scully rolls her eyes and makes the three-hour drive back alone like a sucker. Nothing says “exciting Friday evening” like some smelly godson’s birthday party.

Agent Fox Mulder’s first stop is one of Atlantic City’s fabulous roach-infested casinos, where he uses the phone. That’s it. He goes there to use the phone. He calls the local park ranger and they meet up in the woods to discuss the murder. The ranger believes in the Jersey Devil and tells a nice little story about a possible encounter with the beast. Mulder wants to start French kissing him.

Sir, your beliefs about the Jersey Devil are sparking things inside me that a simple magazine could never do.

At the party, I learn that the birthday boy is named Trent and I’m laughing and laughing at that. Scully is wearing a waistcoat that makes her look like Aladdin.

She has a conversation with her sister about having kids even though she’s married to her job. Scully’s sister asks “what about Mulder?” and Scully says “Mulder smells like beets.” Then a guy named Rob shows up to the party who looks ’90s handsome, which means not really handsome, and Scully has the hots for him. Mr. Divorced Dad over here.

Scully looks weird in street clothes. FBI attire at all times, Citizen.

Mulder’s having his own fun prowling around Homeless Junction ready to start questioning crackheads and syphilis-ridden prostitutes. He finally finds a man who knows the murder victim, and the man pulls Mulder into a back alley, asks for money, then produces a piece of paper with a crude drawing of the Jersey Devil. The homeless man found it in a jacket pocket and claims that he has seen the creature himself. Everyone in the area has. It gives them the heebie-jeebies! As extra payment for the information, Mulder gives the guy his hotel room key. It is not implied that he will show up later to have sex with him. He, instead, spends the night in the back alley to see if he can get a glimpse of the Jersey Devil! Rawr!

And he does. And he follows it like a nitwit. If it is indeed the Jersey Devil, it looks like a naked homeless woman. Mulder wants to give her his hotel room key. Hubba hubba.

Mulder gets taken downtown by the police and DETECTIVE PISSY FACE THOMPSON wants to know why the FBI pretty boy is snooping around the streets of Atlantic City at 3am. We, the audience, know how fucking looney Mulder is, but it’s always fun to watch new characters learn in real time. Thompson wants to work on his own case with Mulder’s involvement. Mulder claims this guy wants to keep the Jersey Devil myth a secret so that his city doesn’t lose anymore business than it already has. Mulder wants to give him his hotel key and–

It may be 15 degrees outside, but I’m going to catch a glimpse of this Jersey Devil even if it means I voluntarily die of exposure.

Anyway, Thompson claims to know nothing about this Devil Whom from Jersey. He dropkicks Mulder right out of his sight.

Scully rolls into work Monday morning and immediately gets a call from the drunk tank in the Atlantic City jail. She rolls her eyes and travels to bail Mulder out. He’s smarmy about it.

During lunch, Mulder excitedly goes over his encounter with the Jersey Devil in the alley and how it clinches the case! Motive! Suspect! Bing bang boom! Scully like’s “you moron, you saw something in the shadows for three seconds and you ended up in the slammer”. As usual, Mulder is not discouraged.

The two travel to the University of Maryland where they talk to a bald ponytail professor of evolutionary biology about who could be above humans on the food chain. The answer is “nobody, nerd”. But what if?! Aha, now that’s the question, isn’t it?! The answer is “stop it”. Eventually, Mulder gets the professor to admit that possibly, maybe, under some fluke of a circumstance, some creature could have evolved separately from humans and possibly, maybe, consider humans food. Possibly. Maybe.

Why do these people always talk to enthusiastic professors? I never had enthusiastic professors in college, I had Professor Dipshit and his mocking tone.

Later, Mulder inspects the picture of the Jersey Devil he got from the homeless man. It has boobs.

Scully wears her best pseudo-wedding dress-looking thing while on a date with Mr. Divorced Dad, who has kind of a fat jaw by the way. The park ranger who had a Jersey Devil story calls Mulder in his office and claims that a dead body found in the woods might be that of the Jersey Devil! Rawr! Mulder then interrupts Scully’s date and tells her to hoof it over to New Jersey. They’ve got a body that they need to poke around with a stick for a bit. It may have boobs and they need to go see it immediately.

Oh my God, she’s beautiful!

Mulder and Scully stop at the morgue again, and the body isn’t there. They speak to the park ranger and Ponytail Professor about a possible coverup by the city’s law enforcement. But why? Because it’s a coverup! Casino revenue! Murderous devils! Not a good look for tourism, gentlemen! Mulder believes that the dead creature is actually the Jersey Devil’s mate, and the real Jersey Devil roams the town looking for tampons and Cosmopolitan magazines! LOL! That’s a little misogynist humor for you, but I didn’t write that. Mulder did, I’m just, uh, transcribing it.

The group visits an abandoned building where they find evidence of the creature’s dwelling. Thompson has the building surrounded by a SWAT team. Mulder wants to know what a female Jersey Devil thinks and feels. Scully says “Maybe she likes to go shopping.”

Mulder continues to investigate the hovel. He gets ambushed on the roof while Scully remains in the building. She catches him cavorting around chasing… something. No one can see. Mulder’s going to be the only witness as usual.

He catches up with the creature down in what looks like a boiler room. He creeps around for about 45 minutes before he gets knocked down to the floor. The creature comes out of the shadows. She literally looks like a human woman with a prosthetic furrowed brow. Mulder has his hotel key ready.

She swipes at the handsome FBI agent and books it before Scully arrives on the scene. “You should’ve seen her, Scully,” Mulder says, bleeding out. “She was beautiful.”

Nobody cares what Mulder has to say, he’s raving about the poor creature being endangered and she deserves dispensation from police harassment. Everyone else is all like “Nein!”

All parties involved in the episode travel together to the woods where they see the nude woman running around flaunting her butt. Park Ranger McJones shoots her with a tranquilizer before the SWAT team can fill her full of bullets, which DOES happen and that really gets Mulder’s goat, son. That’s the end of that!

Well, that’s the end of that. Who wants some McDonald’s, I’m buying.

Back in D.C., Mulder begrudgingly throws the case files into his drawer and slumps in his desk chair. Scully comes in with news: the medical examination of the female body revealed no inhuman bone structure, although human bones were found in her digestive track. The examination of the male body revealed a penis and a butt. The female body had a uterus packed with children. Mulder still thinks there’s some Jersey Devil shenanigans going on, and Scully tells him to stuff it.

Mr. Divorced Dad asks Scully out on another date and she tells him to stuff it. She travels with Mulder to the Smithsonian to discuss prehistoric creature matters which I guess is more fun.

The episode ends with a shot of a prehistoric boy creature poking his head out in the woods while a father and son hike.

Next Time on the X-Files

Season 1, Episode 6 — “Shadows”
Mulder and Scully have a slumber party in a tent in the backyard. Scully can make shadow puppets that look like a moose, a spider web, the Sistine Chapel, and a four-course meal. Mulder can make shadow puppets that look like his penis in front of a flashlight.