Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Black Science, Issue #3! In the previous installment, the crew has landed in some sort of alternate history or perhaps the future, or some such shit, where Native Americans are at war with the Germans. It would be pretty dope if I liked that sort of thing.

Grant got skewered in the abdomen by a bayonet so he’s bleeding out and they need to find a shaman. Maybe they can hire Batman.

I still haven’t gotten the names of all these people straight yet. Perhaps it’s because they all lack personalities. And as someone who lacks a personality himself, I know it when I see it!

Black Science, Issue #3 [January, 2014]
Written by: Rick Remender

“Grant’s team has failed.” Kadir is in his big motherfucking office on a high floor of a big motherfucking building in a big motherfucking city. He’s talking to his own boss, Mr. Block, on the phone. After all the risks, all the broken laws, everything they’ve worked toward, it seems that Grant’s stupid Pillar is a complete disaster. This is obviously a flashback since no one is stranded in Hell Land right now.

Kadir checks security camera footage, which shows Grant dry humping a woman in one of the laboratories. Once the woman sees the ring on Grant’s finger, she doesn’t feel much like dry humping anymore. “Your wedding band is a real mood killer.”

I don’t know this woman’s name, but she’s probably someone I should know. She’s sad that she keeps getting reminded like this that they’re sneaking around. “I think you like it,” she frowns. Now that the Pillar project is completed, does Grant have any use for her anymore, she wonders? Ah, this is Rebecca. Rebecca’s not dead, that’s Jen. Sara is Grant’s wife. There are too many people. What is this, Game of Fucking Thrones? Where’s the Black Science Tyrion?

Ultimatum time! Rebecca is getting sick of it. Make a decision, fuckface.

“I’ll end it with Sara tonight,” Grant says in a hushed tone. After a very PG-13 kiss, Grant gets a call. His kids are waiting for him. It’s Pillar Time.

I can describe the scream just fine: “GHRAGHH=!”

Three hours later in the world of German/Native American fighting and whatnot, we see a man with a hole in his chest approach the Magical Mystery Shaman. He uses some futuristic doohickey to blast his entire body point-blank with a brilliant orange light. The big hole heals in mere seconds. Shit’s wild! Grant is going to be a-ok!

Ward is narrating. Apparently, this war has been going on for generations all because of “bad decisions of incompetent leaders”. He does not fear death, he only fears dying needlessly at some idiot’s direction.

Team Pillar is nervous, but burly Security Chief Ward drags Grant’s ass around to find that Shaman. Even if it means getting spotted by the hundreds of Native American soldiers ambling around. Even if it means certain death. Eek!

Suddenly, the team gets ambushed by a giant Transformer robot that says “TSO-S-DI-DA-NU-WI!” which I think translates to “Where’s the bathroom, homie?”

Grant lies in a trench bleeding out. Rebecca correctly declares his condition stable. Grant’s son Nathan is like “oh no muh daddy” while Chandra points a large blasty gun at a terrified, tied up German. She wants to shoot him if he keeps talking, and he keeps talking, so she wants to shoot him.

Rebecca tells Chandra to simmer down and grabs her gun. “Who put you in charge?!” Chandra demands. Because we all know that Charles is in Charge. Scott Baio, yo.

She instructs 18-year-old Grant’s daughter Pia to keep the gun on the German while shit keeps breaking bad.

Hey, if it’s any consolation, I didn’t see the robot either! But I also don’t have any eyeballs.

Ward is starting to feel bad that he led his team into danger. A lot more robot fighting happens. Eventually, it’s three-piece-suited Kadir who throws a piece of metal in some sort of exhaust vent and causes the whole robot to blow up into smithereens. And not large smithereens, either. Teeny tiny smithereens. Kadir and Ward shake hands. Teamwork, people. It brings us all together.

It’s raining now. Pouring. A group of German soldiers walk and talk along the edge of trench while Team Pillar stays hushed and petrified. Tied-up German soldier takes this opportunity to holler for help, but he gets totally tackled by Rebecca before the other soldiers notice where the sound is coming from. It’s raining hard, you know. Maybe it was some sort of rain-induced audio hallucination!

Rebecca keeps the guy’s face straight down in the mud to keep him from talking and yelling while the other soldiers walk away. Maybe she killed him? Hard to say, but she starts crying anyway. War is hell, etc.

Flashback to Team Pillar getting suited up and ready to, you know, use the Pillar. “Is it dangerous?” asks Grant’s son Nathan. Grant’s like “hell no son this is gonna be like Chuck E. Cheese.” Pia is salty because Grant didn’t let their mother come today, but Grant insists that it’s because Sara hates what Grant does and she doesn’t give two butt shits about any of this.

“What she hates is that you never come home,” Pia rebuts. Perhaps.

The rest of Team Pillar welcomes Grant’s family. “You two ready to see the most important object on the planet?” asks Rebecca, ready to show Grant’s kids her Tomagotchi. Chandra is like “who let these fucking kids here” and threatens to report this breach of safety to Kadir. No one gives her the time of day.

“So, here it is,” Grant says of the Pillar. “The tool we will use to acquire, well — anything. The cure for cancer. Rare minerals. Unimaginable technology. Anything you can imagine exists on some layer of the onion.”

Oh, so now we’re talking about onions. There seems to be no focus here to this project! No wonder Kadir is mad!

“The Onion” does not refer to the humorous satiric publication, but rather Grant’s model for the layers upon layers of alternate dimensions. The Pillar pushes through these layers and allows them to travel to other worlds. Neat, huh? They can use the Onion to, like, predict and map all the various universes and timelines. We can solve all of humanity’s problems by leeching them from the alternate dimensions and taking credit! (the cure for cancer is Bisquick)

Well, you see, son, I’m going to take this Pillar and fuck the center of the Onion…

When Nate asks what’s at the center of the Onion, Grant is like “I ‘unno lol” and speculates that future generations will be able to figure that shit out. Maybe it’ll even be Nate! (unlikely.) Maybe the center is God Himself if you’re into that theism malarkey. Personally, I think the universe was created when Gary Busey spilled jelly beans all over the place, but my theories are met with ridicule.

Pia notices that the Pillar is sparking oddly. The countdown timer reads 7 seconds. Kadir enters the room as chaos ensues and everyone starts freaking the fuck out. The time runs out and a brilliant flash of light sends the wretched crew to…

Tahiti!

Final Thoughts

No, not Tahiti. Aren’t you paying attention. German/Native American future Shithole Land!

The series it getting slightly better, but there’s still so much setup happening. It’s a slow burn for sure, but I’m obviously in it for the long haul. Or not obviously, I suppose, but you’ll never know, will you!