Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “Book I: Vader (Part 1)”!

This is the companion series to Marvel’s Star Wars comic series! Both introduce the reader to the wonderful world of canon Star Wars comics. While the other one is about Star Wars, this one is about Darth Vader! Take notes, there will be a quiz.

As a quick recap of the first Star Wars comic series storyline, Luke Skywalker had blown up the Death Star recently. Han, Leia, Luke, Chewie, and the droids blow up the largest weapons factory in the galaxy, which puts the Empire hot on their heels. Luke fucks back off to Tatooine after getting some Jedi-related discouragement while Han and Leia outrun Imperial officers and attempt to find a new planet for their Rebel base.

In the end, Luke fights Boba Fett and wins, somehow. He discovers a journal of Ben Kenobi. Han and Leia end up on a pretty nice-ass planet, but Sana Solo, Han’s wife, shows up to give him the business.

Will any of this tie into this series? Probably not. But at least you’ve been thoroughly enriched with knowledge!

(no)

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [April, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book I: Vader (Part 1)”

Classic intimidating Vader pose! Lightsaber parallel to the floor. Left foot atop a makeshift stump. Consider me thoroughly awed.

ANYWAY, the introductory splash page informs me that the Death Star was destroyed by pesky members of the Rebel Alliance! The Death Star! The ultimate peacekeeping force! NOOOOOO!! Ha, that’s an Episode III reference! Anyway, Emperor Palpatine is Palpa-FURIOUS and Darth Vader must pay the price. And our story begins…

Vader is on Tatooine with the two suns and all. He approaches what looks like a smattering a ruins guarded by a couple of those guard pig-type piggy creatures. Vader slices them up with his big, red, glowing sword and keeps going.

He approaches one of those creatures with the pink, fleshy tail that curves from their heads to under their chinny chin chins. “I will speak with the Hutt,” Vader says in that booming James Earl Jones voice that we all know and love. Jabba awaits!

The Fat One is sleeping. He sleeps until he is informed that his new arrival “butchered the guards”. Jabba lifts this guy up and eats him. That’ll learn him to be the bearer of bad news. Keep this lesson in mind, kids.

“You arrive a day early, kill two of my guards and expect me to deal with you,” Mr. Slug says, drooling and snorfing. Vader stands there all puffed out and like “LOOK AT ME, I’M THE BOSS!” and states that if Jabba doesn’t grant him the audience he deserves, it’ll be more than just two he’ll be slaughtering today. Eep!

HUTT HUTT HUTT HUTT HUTT HUTT HIKE!

So Jabba dismisses the peons and asks Vader what he can do for the Empire today. Perhaps a pittance? A big smile and a hug? “Not the Empire. For me,” Vader states pointedly. So a hug it is! A nice, big, squelchy, stinky, Hutt Hug. The best kind.

Vader will return to Huttville on the morrow. He WILL get what he wants. Capisce? Vader tries one of those useless Jedi mind trick hand waves, but Jabba informs the ignorant one that such illusions are no match for the great Hutt slug brains!

How dare you mention Jedi in front of the Dark One? The Jedi are long dead. Fuck ‘em.

“Do you know the bounty the Rebels have for that head of yours?” Jabba asks, changing the subject gracefully. “If you disappeared, no one would ever know…” he continues, hand inching toward that button that sends cocksuckers to the pit-of-gettin’-eaten.

Vader steps back from the trap door.

The two of them continue to exchange lack-of-pleasantries until, finally, Jabba has had enough and commands him men to start shooting harmful lasers! They do. Vader blocks them all. This takes six pages.

Zip zoom zippity zap. Blam blam blam blam a-zip zoom bippity boom.

In the end, only Jabba and Vader are left standing. Well… Vader is standing. Jabba continues sitting in his own poop.

“You called me a Jedi,” Vader sulks in that trademark Anakin Skywalker whine. “You know nothing. Mind tricks are not of the dark side.”

Yeah yeah, dark side this, dark side that. The only dark side Jabba likes is the one of the moon. Pink Floyd, baby. “MONAAAYYY! IT’S A GAS!”

“You drive a hard bargain,” Jabba concedes, finally chuffed enough to keep this moving along. “It is difficult not to respect that.” And, finally Vader is satisfied.

THE END

But wait, there’s more!

ONE DAY EARLIER – THE IMPERIAL PALACE, CORUSCANT

Vader bows down before Emperor Shithead and tries to explain the whole thing about Rebels blowing up the Cymoon 1 weapons factory thing. “The Rebels were posing as the envoy, and used it to infiltrate the moon. They tortured the Overseer into revealing the base’s codes, they attempted destroying the core reactor.”

Attempted = Succeeded

Palpatine makes a dumb white-face kinda face. What of the Overseer, then? Abbadeen, is it? He’s strapped to a machine, unconscious and all fucked up! That’ll learn him to be the bearer of bad tidings.

The dictionary defines “failure” as “the failure to succeed”. The dictionary defines “success” as the “the successful subversion of the failure to succeed”. Write this down, it’s important.

OK, so the Overseer won’t fail again. That much is certain. But what about you, Darth Vader, you hapless little weasel you? Vader is speechless at this question. “We kept the skeleton of the Republic for nearly twenty years while the Death Star was constructed. Twenty years, my apprentice,” Palpatine scolds. “All that planning is now a layer of dust orbiting around Yavin…”

Yeah, but, uh, bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu-

Palpatine goes on and on about how fucked this whole situation is. All those years in the Galactic Toilet.

“You tagged the Rebel ship with a homing beacon then let the Rebels escape with the Death Star plans. DELIBERATELY.”

“I take responsibility for my actions,” Vader responds, pulling out an old chestnut from the Barely-Apologize Handbook. And then he tries to blame others too, but Palpatine ain’t having THAT. No sir. It’s Vader who will get the ol’ stake up the butthole for this one! “You, an isolated survivor of the greatest military disaster in all my Empire’s history? Oh, you are truly the chosen one, Vader. Chosen to be the one responsible.”

Oh snippity snap, dogg. Vader’s going to have to eat his own butt unless he redeems himself forthwith.

Vader offers to crush the Rebels. Palpatine counteroffers a shut-the-fuck-up. “You think yourself so clever, but have proved yourself a blunt instrument, far better to be wielded than to wield…”

Anyway, make another Death Star! Seacrest out.

Oh yeah, and you have to talk to Jabba the Hutt about something, too. Anything will do. He likes chatting. Make sure he sends an agent to the Core Worlds, otherwise they’ll need scope out the Outer Rim. For what? Who cares! I’m barely paying attention! You have two days. Or three, or whatever! Four? No, two. Two it is. And guess what? Palpatine doesn’t care if you “don’t wanna do it”. Sometimes you gotta talk to the Hutts, you know what I mean? “Besides, Lord Vader…” Palpatine says snakily, “a trip to Tatooine? I’m sure it will be sentimental…”

Some dude arrives looking like a Terminator T-1000 with the robot eye. “Who is this, Master?” Vader asks, feeling a strong case of FOMO. Vader doesn’t get to know, which pisses him off a tad.

Certainly not! Here are my dick and balls, at your service.

Palpatine is about ready to smack this twerp in the face. Do you really think you’re in a position to ask questions and expect answers??? Go fuck your whole self, sir. Now then, if there’s nothing else to report, kindly get your ruddy little ass to Tatooine before Palpatine grabs his ol’ hickory stick. Shoo.

Before Vader gets his ruddy little ass to Tatooine, he goes over all the details that he should report. Like, he killed Obi-Wan Kenobi. He knows who destroyed the Death Star. The kid who destroyed the Death Star happens to have his – Vader’s — Anakin’s — lightsaber. All this fun plot-forwarding stuff! But no, Vader keeps it to himself…

…and he leaves…

… *burp* …

Time to go to Tatooine, then. One day later, they arrive upon the shithole with the two really hot suns hanging in the sky. Vader stands, back turned to a man approaching.

“You’re the client,” says the mysterious man. Or woman. Let’s not be cunting sexist.

“I am. And you’re the best Jabba has. Are you bounty hunters up to the challenge,” Vader asks.

“Give us the mission. You’ll see.”

It’s Boba Fett and some really fucked-up looking Wookiee.

There’s this kid named Luke Skywalker, except he doesn’t know his name is Luke Skywalker yet. Go find him, please. He’s on some hunk of junk called the Millennium Falcon. He looks like this: *takes off black helmet to show a fatherly egg face* And please take him alive.

And that’s basically it. Who wants breakfast?

Final Thoughts

I’ll have eggs and bacon and toast with those little packets of jelly. And coffee and hash browns and pancakes and sausage.

Why do they give you so much goddamned breakfast at these restaurants? No wonder I’m morbidly obese.