Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “Book I: Vader (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Book I: Vader storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “Book I: Vader (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, we see Darth Vader with his tail between his legs as he gets verbally lashed by Emperor Poopypants Palpatine. This leads to his task of getting Jabba the Hutt to help fund their Empire and further its reach to the Outer Rim. It’s going to go splendidly.

Also, I wanted eggs and bacon and toast and coffee and hash browns and pancakes and sausage and oh shit I’m fat now.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #2 [April, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book I: Vader (Part 2)”

A splash page informs me that a Grand General Tagge is going to command the response to the Rebellion since Darth Vader really fucked the butt on this one, getting the Death Star all ‘sploded and everything. Fine for him, he wants to find the little pissant who blew it up. He doesn’t have time for Palpatine’s palpatations!

An Imperial shuttle is getting attacked by space pirates! Some real Captain Phillips shenanigans. All hell of such as “I’m the captain now”. Arrrrr, matey!

Pirates keep shooting them, the engines fail. They’re obviously after the precious, precious cargo (seven million cans of sardines). “Situation terminal! There’s no way out! Goodbye!” Yells the rather dramatic, over-the-top commanding officer of the… ok, he’s dead. I guess the drama was justifiable.

Darth Vader emerges from the orb of smoke in his TIE fighter. He’ll make short work of the pirates or his name ain’t Captain Jack Sparrow! Or something to that effect.

Vaderman shoots the ship and blows up the engine core within six nanoseconds. Mission successful! Let’s go home and pop open a Cold One. Miller Lite for all!

The mission is reported to General Tagge. The pirates were robots! Robot pirates! Monkey ninja zombie robot pirates lol I’m so random. They were extremely high-end robots too, kinda like those bending robots that bend stuff. Well-supplied bending robots. They need to be on their guard.

Something tells me there’s a little bit of animosity between Vader and Tagge. Call it a hunch.

Yes, but they are very detailed graphs!

Too bad Vader wasted all that time securing supplies from Jabba the Slut just for them to be stolen by robot pirates. A security breach is suspected, but Tagge is of the notion that it was merely routine piracy, nothing more and nothing less. The Death Star exploded, son! Chaos reigns supreme, and the pirates are getting bold, my friend.

This smug motherfucka keeps shooting smug faces at King Darth, which means he’s going to get a taste of his own butt really soon. “My plans may not be as glamorous or grand as yours or the departed Tarkin’s, but they work,” Tagge states smugly. “The starfleet is a sea. It is endless, cannot be beaten and given enough time turns the strongest rocks to sand…”

Metaphors are flawed, Colonel. Grandmaster. Caliph. At any rate, Tagge wants to repair the pirate ship, skull and crossbones flag and all, and then use it to locate the base FROM WHENCE it came. Then, and only then, will they earn their TV dinners.

Guess, what, Vader my boy? YOU have been chosen to lead this base-finding mission! Congratulations! *confetti* *balloons*

And, in due time, Vader will learn to love Tagge the way Tagge loves himself. Handjobily.

Now unzip those pants, citizen! Watch these skilled hands at work!

Tagge has assigned an assistant to the Lord Darth Brooks. Some dude named Oon-Ai. Be careful with him, he’s fragile. He will also be Tagge’s eyes AND his ears, and other parts of the body as need be. “Will this be a problem?” Tagge asks smugly.

“We will see,” Vader responds.

Oon-Ai is fucking nervous, man. As he should be, because Vader’s going to be a total bitch about all this. Nevertheless, Vader understands chain of command and will comply as necessary within the bare minimum. “But I suggest you be careful, Oon-Ai… my patience is not without its limits.”

Well, Oon-Ai is immediately not careful. He snoops around Vader’s ship records and discovers communcations logged by Boba Fett. What of this, my shiny black helmeted good man? “…it is a private matter. I’ll explain when we return…” Vader mumbles.

At the extreme edge of the Outer Rim, a base full of ugly aliens catches a glimpse of the robot pirate ship. “Hey! The droid ship is back!” Hooray! Time to repair and send it off again for more pirating!

An alien opens the hatch of the ship and prepares to unload all the stolen goods within! But then Vader is there waiting with his stormtroopers and then he kills some cocksuckers and then works on securing the core before the base initiates and carries out its self-destruct sequence. Meanwhile, the surviving aliens try to book it on their own ship.

Vader’s answer when he’s asked if he’s bored at home watching the dogs.

Robots in protective shield bubbles appear and start wasting stormtroopers. Vader is suspicious of the lack of self-destruct sequence. “They still think they have a chance.” He appears unphased by his stormtroopers dying in droves. After hemming and hawing, waiting for a few more to get killed, he decides to finally start effortlessly fighting back on the bubble robots. The room suddenly turns red, signalling the Big Bad Self-Destruct Sequence (BBSDS, as I like to call it).

Vader reminds Oon-Ai that he has been tasked with keeping an eye on Vader. So he’s going to complete his mission and don’t stop keeping an eye on him! Oon-Ai gets twitchy what with the self-destruct sequence going off and everything. Vader pulls a lever and announces that “it is done”.

They get back on their ship while the base explodes! Another job well done! TV dinners for all! Vader reports back to Tagge and compliments him on his immaculate plan! However… “You were wrong in one crucial area,” Vader says, holding a dead Oon-Ai by the scruff. He throws him at Tagge. “There was a leak.”

Oh snippity snap! Oon-Ai was a mole! He was watching things a little too closely! I knew it all along!

Darth Vader leaves smugly and asks his andromech droid if it has purged all evidence of its data upload. It beeps and boops to Vader’s satisfaction, but Vader pushes the thing out of an airlock and it explodes in space.

“Hmm. Droids. One can always trust droids…”