Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #7 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 1)”! Back at it with everyone’s favorite cuddly warmonger.

In the previous storyline, Vader meets a young pistol named Doctor Aphra and pretends to barely get along with her even though he’s obviously pleased. Emporer Palpatine has secretly ordered replacements to be trained up to take Vader’s position. The project is spearheaded by Cylo-V, a sort of humanoid robot. To make a long story short, Vader succeeds at not getting replaced, reinstating some of Palpatine’s trust and respect. Sorta.

Meanwhile, Boba Fett has failed handily at bringing in the whelp who destroyed the Death Star. But Vader learns that it’s his son. And now he REALLY wants to find him and shower him with kissies.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #7 [August, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 1)”

Darth Vader stands on a rocky, sandy bluff of Tatooine. Staring at its two suns. Thinking about his one son. “What are we looking for?” asks the RATHER INSOLENT voice of Doctor Aphra from behind. “The place is dead. It’s been dead for weeks. No one alive. Nothing inside.”

Vader repeats that he’s looking for Luke Skywalker – He Who Blew Up the Death Star (HWBUDS). Where they are now is where he used to live before his aunt and uncle got killed. “There is perhaps a trace of his presence…” he says wistfully. Aphra is all like “yeah whatevs.”

Aphra appreciates the irony that, if Luke were still around the house when shit went down, there would still be a Death Star. Although I don’t really think that counts as irony. Not even really a coincidence, actually. “…but if the family wasn’t killed, maybe he’d never have left.” OK, there’s the irony!

Oh well, nothing to see here. Show’s been over for a long time. Let’s move on to bigger and better things!

Using their hyper-time-dilation GPS tracking system, Vader and Aphra find the spot where Luke and Boba Fett fought. Vader puts his hand up against the wall and sees visions of the ruckus. “He fended off the bounty hunter. The boy is strong in the Force…” Vader says in partial awe. “…but with little or no training.”

Vader scoffs at Obi-Wan Kenobi, who had twenty years to teach the boy anything, anything, and he didn’t get around to until like four days before he died. Oh well. Vader reiterates that there’s nothing to see, show’s over, let’s get the hell off this podunk shithole of a planet and never look back.

You brought a bomb? Might as well put it to use. Find an orphanage.

Now that things have gone south, Vader has nothing to do right now! And that means Doctor Aphra has nothing to do right now either! “I will have a task for you soon enough,” he assures her. “It is a matter of some delicacy.”

Ahhh, yes. I love a good delicacy! Hella Kobe beef. Dish it out, sir.

Elsewhere, on the planet of Son-tuul in the Outer Rim, some stuff happens! Namely, a bunch of aliens lost some cargo to the Imperials. It’s a story as old as time! In fact, this might have happened somewhere in first storyline but I don’t remember. Look it up for me, would ya? Make yourself useful.

Anyway, this main alien guy is not happy that the cargo is lost NOR that the Imperials are to blame. “The Imperials are trying harder? All this means is that you should try harder too.”

The other guy won’t have time to try harder, because the main guy grabs his head and readies to slit his throat… but then… as it turns out… against all odds… the guy has an Imperial tracker on his person…

BOOM! CRUSH! SPLINTER!

“It is pointless to resist,” says Darth Vader, who has literally crashed the party with his gaggle of stormtroopers. Then a fight ensues for about 45 pages. Just a mess of panels like this one:

BAM BOOM KRRK WHOOSH WHISSH STAB STAB STAB SWISH SWISH MOO MOOOOOO.

It ends with Vader’s opponent getting eaten by one of its Hell monsters. We hardly knew ye. Vader ends it by sticking the pointy end of his lightsaber through the side of the monster’s head, presumably in its brain cavity. Dirty work, but someone’s gotta do it, and it ain’t gonna be Fred Flintstone! Yabba dabba doo! I’m having a stroke!

“Area pacified, Lord Vader,” reports one of his nameless stormtroopers, “as is the smuggler who led us here. Stray shot.”

“Unfortunate…” Vader replies, lyingly. “I suspect he had more information.”

Vader makes his way to a closed vault and instructs his team to open it. Inside is an enormous pile of… sticks? Silver and gold sticks? No idea. “Gather the contraband… it must be safely confiscated.” Vader says. Is this money? Did he find money? I’m not sure. Here’s what it looks like:

Yeah, I don’t know either.

Vader later reports to a rather ornately-decorated Hutt. “The Rodian was a formidible competitor…” he says, and even those this is the 50th time I’m seein the word “Rodian” I still keep forgetting what they are and what they look like and where my big bottle of pills is. “Great Jabba will be glad he is no longer with us.”

Darth Vader is beside himself with disappointment in the Outer Rim planets, operating all willy-nilly. The Empire will keep cracking down on these rogue motherfuckers. Good good, yes yes. Jabba will continue to be pleased. He’s glad that there’s a mutual benefit to cracking down on these rogue motherfuckers. Namely, Vader cracks down on these rogue motherfuckers, and Jabba enjoys that these rogue motherfuckers are getting cracked down upon! Profits for Jabba are going up up up up!

“What the Rodian didn’t spend on his hunts he hoarded. That is years of profits your troopers are carrying…” says the ornately-decorated Hutt called Sutha as the troopers unload boxes full of those tasty-looking rectangles. He also asks for some intel on where the Empire will be taking them. Vader says “no” because this crackdown is not property of the Hutts! Booyah! Sutha is taken aback, but he slitheringly agrees. BUT, the enrichment of the Hutts IS a side-benefit to all this killing and looting, eh? Hint hint.

Still on Son-tuul, a large droid that looks like a tall fire hydrant barges in and kills some guy for no reason. He addresses a reptile-thing named Bossk. They shove off to a little makeshift fighting area where they find a Wookiee ready to compete. He’s like “GGRRRRRWWLL!” about it in shaky yellow letters! The group of shady-types discuss this Wookiee’s boldness and stupidity to volunteer in a fight to the death! His name is Krrsantan, and he’s big and scary.

Aphra enters the room to break the news that the Sun-tuul Pride (the clan which got handily destroyed by Vader and his stormtroopers) has been eliminated fully. “Their personal fortune is in transit to its new home in an Imperial vault,” she says, referring to those gold rectangles.

“I know exactly how it’s being transported, how to circumvent its guards and – most of all – how to get away. So, gentlemen and violent robots…”

Hell yeah, sign me up! I like to be rich.

Final Thoughts

A DOUBLE-CROSSING SNAKE IN THE GRASS! Who da thunk it? Certainly not me! Except, yeah, I did indeed thunk it.

I like this lady! I hope she pulls a fast one on ol’ Darth Vader and he says a very loud “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!” like a wuss.