Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #29 – “Prodigal”! It’s been a long journey, but we’ve reached the end of Year Two of the Apocalypse! Nothing apocalyptic has happened yet. I think Babylon brought his Nintendo Switch with him. In the previous installment, a gang of terrifying assassins are looking to intercept Babylon’s journey and kill the fuck out of his face. Meanwhile, Death is scrambling to find this kid before anything happens to him. He even had to light a rhyming eyeball’s butt on fire to see where he had to go next! Thrilling!

Here it is, the moment of truth. Who’s going to die next?? Will it be me?? Read on to find out!

East of West, Issue #29 [August, 2016]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Prodigal”

“Follow me. I will show you what Death looks like.”

I’ve already seen plenty of Death, and let me tell you, there’s not much to look at. You could break him like a twig.

Ahab’s Pass, where Babylon and Balloon have currently set up camp, where Death’s Eyeball marked the map, where the traveling band of assassins are heard. Everything converges at Ahab’s Pass! There’s probably some allegory to Moby Dick or the Bible, but it’s lost on me. I don’t know the difference between those two books anyway.

“Balloon… I’m sure you’ve noticed that I haven’t accessed most of my databases after we concluded my last lesson. You know, the one with all the murder.”

Yes, Balloon had noticed. And he’s not a fan of this, as he puts it, “reckless and defiant behavior”. How is anyone supposed to make a killer out of this kid if he won’t even read up on the art of killing??

Babylon claims that he has been too busy working on his independence to dilly-dally with learning about being more of a psychopath than he already is. Unfortunately, working on independence isn’t going too well. And now he needs to face a whole bunch of rogue killers who have been paid to kill him! Balloon warned him, and now he needs to take the test. If you’re cramming last-minute, then you already don’t know enough. I had professors tell me that all the time, those assholes. I’ll show you cramming last-minute.

“Please access my advanced combat, tactical evasion and survivor protocols,” Babylon commands his trusty floating friend, preparing himself with more roughhousing. If he can beat a Horseman, then this should really be no problem. And it probably won’t be! But let’s keep reading. Stop interrupting me.

BILLY LIKES HIS CHICKEN SPICY!

“So…” Babylon addresses some new buddies who have joined him at the campfire. “You guys want to introduce yourselves or should I just leave the graves unmarked.”

Ooooooh, a tough guy! Well, look here you little shit, there will be two hits. Me hitting you and you hitting the floor. Or is it me hitting the floor, creating an earthquake that hits you? Either way, you’re dead meat, kiddo.

Through Babylon’s viewpoint, Billy Blackgun looks pretty similar to his real form. Just toothier. The flying robot bug guy, Psalm, looks like one of them Ezra Orion Hell Demons, who tells him that he will take no pleasure in this little boy’s eradication. “You’re simply a task to be completed. No more. No less.”

Babylon calls him a weirdo and turns to the third one. “How about you, ma’am? Anything creepy you want to say?”

“Nope.”

Babylon casually decides upon, after some deliberation, a Tournament of Death. That seems like the most enjoyable option. Chess was on the table, for example.

It’s go time! Balloon lifts the kid up in the sky. Blackgun is the biggest physical thread, but Psalm has the most mobility. The third one is a big question mark, but Balloon will follow up once he has more info! “Always worry about the one who doesn’t show their hand,” he advises. Thank you for calling Customer Service.

Babylon throws a very thin stick up into the air, which confuses the third one, Ursula. The stick hits a precarious boulder, which begins a rockin’ on its precipice. Before the third one gets a chance to shoot off his gun, the boulder crushes that Ursula fucker with a sickening KRUNCH. It’s sickening to me because there wasn’t a lamer onomatopoeia! I would’ve settled with KARRYYYMMPPCK.

Billy immediately does not care that his companion has been flattened like a pancake! “Ursula ain’t Billy. Big rock ain’t Billy. You done focused on the wrong thing, boy. Billy over here, blasting you to hell.” BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM. “You underestimated Billy. Billy Blackgun ain’t nobody’s second option. So Billy got the drop on you. Ain’t no one ever got the drop on Billy.”

I’m getting pretty sick of Billy. I’m looking forward to another boulder soon please.

Oh good, a warthog shows up and gores the living crap out of Billy Blackgun.

Man, that’s going to really leave a wack-ass scar.

“Hey! Nice job, Mister Tusk!” shouts Babylon from a cliff’s edge.
“Oink! Oink!”
“I’m sorry… Doctor Tusk.”

Babylon gets so distracted talking to Doctor Tusk that he forgets about the last guy. The robot bug guy. He’s swift and he flies, so let’s take care of him now so that we can all go back to cooking canned beans over the fire. Delicious!

Buzz! Hey creepy kid and floating orb! Buzz! Do you know about the Psalms? Buzz! There were 150 made, and this one is #137! Buzz Buzz! And he’s the only one left! BZZZZZZ!

Balloon knows who this guy is. He knows the Psalms. He’s well-versed in Psalm-culture. He could Psalm all day with the best of them.

Psalm has his gun aimed at the back of Babylon’s head.

“The secret assassin-scientists of the Kabbalist Remnant,” Balloon flexes his Psalm knowledge. “Your makers believe that they cracked the sacred man-machine code of God. 150 believers – prophets, rabbis, priests – volunteered for transcendence. I suppose you regret that now…”

BUZZ!

The man-machine hybrid ran amok for over a decade until the Union eradicated the sect of the Kabbalist Remnant. Then there were barely any remnants! But then, without any more running amok for a cause, they ran amok for a different cause instead. A flimsier cause, and the first one was pretty flimsy anyway.

Balloon has the Bible in his records even if it was phased out in the last 50 years! Psalms is an especially interesting read. Especially Psalm 137! Remember what that one was?

I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time. *kiss*

Babylon reads the entire psalm to Mr. Psalm.

Then they do kiss.

Pol Pot doesn’t count as holy. He smashed kids against the trees.

They make the connection, and Mr. Robot starts sparking and buzzing. The man inside him starts getting angry. “They said the process could be reversed. They did not tell us that those who had families – husbands, wives, and children… that we would be relieved of that burden. They made us watch! They made us watch and said we would not remember!”

Well, that sucks a lot.

Mr. Robot has a flashback of his fellow scientists constructing the man-machine he would become today. “I remember the pain from what I saw, and then the lesser pain that followed,” he recounts as we see a dude start putting that traffic cone face mask on him. “All we wanted were answers to the hidden questions, and instead they took everything from us.”

Robot collapses. Babylon feels bad for the poor sap, and Balloon explains that it’s because someone committed fully to what turned out to be a lie. He committed when he didn’t even know who he really was. And that, my friend, is the real tragedy! Thank you for calling Customer Service!

“Humans find self-reflection terrifying, Babylon… it’s the real reason they’re afraid of the dark.”

“NO IT AIN’T!” screams a guy we thought was dead. “AIN’T AT ALL! People fear monsters. Monsters like Billy. Time for the bullet, boy.”

Balloon screams for Billy McWe-All-Wish-He-Would-Die to stop, but Billy yammers some more about Billy this and Billy that.

BLAM

A gun goes off! But it ain’t Billy’s gun, no sir. Billy’s gun is in Billy’s hand and there was a BLAM but ain’t no Billy BLAMming no boy in the dome.

Well hello there sir! *twirls hair*

“Do you see? It is as the Message foretold.”

Oh boy, Death and Babylon together at last! Riveting! I’ve been waiting a year to get to this point, in Issue #29, something I could’ve gotten to within a week if I read comic books like a normal-ass person.

“My, my… this makes things… interesting,” Balloon muses, clearly unprepared for Death’s arrival.
“Who is that?” Babylon shouts, open-mouthed.

Balloon decides that it’s time to introduce each other. Through Babylon’s filter, Death doesn’t look much different. Hatless.

“Thanks for saving me, mister. I think my dying would really upset Doctor Tusk. I’m Babylon. Nice to meet you.”

Death is bemused. He doesn’t even look happy to see him. I suppose Death is never happy about anything. “Do… do you know who I am?” he asks, his usually angered face softened up just enough to… yeah right, it doesn’t look any softer whatsoever.

Babylon turns on his Young Sheldon program and starts spewing all that gobbledygook about databases and mainframes and a 91% chance based on calculations that he’s filed under “Mythological > Artificial > Reanimate > Apocryphal > Horseman”. Death can’t argue with that one. “That’s what I am. I asked if you know who I am.”

Young Sheldon surmises that, if this chap is a Horseman, then he’s the Horseman that he hasn’t met yet, and that would make him Death, the fourth Horseman! Smart kid.

“Babylon,” Death sighs, actually softening up for real this time, “I’ve been searchin’ for you. Lookin’ everywhere I could and for a while I was beginnin’ to think I wouldn’t find you. And now, here you are. The best thing I’ve ever seen. Yes. I’m Death…”

You ain’t my daddy. I saw that episode of Maury already!

I’m sitting here in disbelief that Death actually has emotions beyond anger. I mean, I’ve seen it before, the way he’s a doormat to Xiaolian and the way he looked sad that Wolf and Crow were leaving him.

But…

Man…

Anyway, Death asks if Babylon’s ok, and he tells Father that he’s operating at 80% capacity. That’s a B- if you’re keeping track. Death looks mad again, checking out all his wires and inputs and those eyeball plugs he’s got. He just about readies himself to pull those suckers out, but Balloon advises against it. Death doesn’t like being advised nuthin’ by nobody, and he all but asks Babylon who this bossy mofo is.

“Oh, that’s Balloon. He’s my best friend and we’re on an amazing adventure together… we’re not quite sure exactly what we’re doing yet, but we’re working on a plan.”

Doesn’t that give you the warm and fuzzies? Death looks concerned. His face actually appears placid with fatherly love! I don’t even have this placid face and I have TWO children. Neither have plugs in their eyeballs, though. Maybe that makes a difference.

When Babylon tells his poppy that he’s planning on burning the whole world to the ground and starting fresh, he asks if Death would like to join him. And, honestly, that sounds kind of swell, actually. Death hops on his bug horse. Babylon hops on his pig. They ride out together toward the sunrise. I’m literally crying right now, but that may be because a crocodile keeps chomping on my nutsack.

Year Two is finished. The Three Horsemen have finished their refurbishment. They awaken as adult forms of their previously gendered selves. And now shit’s gonna get real. Now shit’s gonna get real.

Final Thoughts

Have you heard what the shit’s gonna get? That’s right, kids.

Year Three is next, and it’s the last year. 16 issues left to go, but I’m not ready to take that on yet. More Paper Girls! More other Image Comics! Hell, maybe some other lesser publishers! The world is my oyster, and it’s ripe for the plucking.

Or something.