Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #12 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 6)”! In the previous installment, Aphra pays about $1,000,000,000 credits to Ante for information about Luke Skywalker’s whereabouts. Darth Vader and Thanoth, along with about 1,000,000,000 stormtroopers, bust into the joint and kill Ante just after he divulges information about the Plasma Devils’ whereabouts. They also intend to capture Aphra, but Vader helps her escape.

How much longer can Darth Vader keep this up?! His stomach is surely writhing in stress-borne anxiety! Will he throw up in the Dark Lord’s toilet for fifty panels to close out the storyline? Or will he stroke his dick? Do you think his dick wears a helmet too?

Where was I? Oh yes.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #12 [January, 2016]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 6)”

Darth Vader is aboard his ship, the U.S.S. Mossy Pussy. They’re chasing Aphra through the big cloudy Anthan Prime storm. “The bombers with ion torpedoes are ready to make their pass through the cloud Lord Vader,” says that dingbat Thanoth. “We’ll either drive her out or disable the ship, then drag her clear.”

Aphra is struggling to get through the storm. Struggling hard. Very hard. Rock hard.

Thanoth thinks that once they capture the girl, they’ll capture her patron! Brrrt!! He thinks there must’ve been an accomplice who tipped her off about all this. Vader thinks this chase is a waste of time. Dancing with the Stars is on in five minutes! Thanoth is appalled! First of all, Dancing with the Stars is lowbrow entertainment. Second of all, why is this chase a waste? Why the distaste, Space Face?

“We have a ready strike force. We have the location of the Plasma Devils. And we are here, chasing a simple thief.”

Thanoth slaps his forehead! This is true! This chase is small potatoes! Plasma Devils, those are the Big Cheeses right now! But hey! The Ante is dead and everyone will be in a tizzy, including the Plasma Devils! They’ll uproot and scatter elsewhere! But the girl! Oh, the girl! The girl is right here in front of us! So let’s go for it! And…! No! We must follow those Devils!

“Fine, whatever, just stop talking you horse’s asshole,” says Lord Vader… in my headcanon. He agrees with Thanoth, although Attorney Surgeon General of the House of Representatives Tagge will not be happy with either of them. And be that as it may, fuck that guy!

The chase for the Plasma Devils will commence!

Perhaps someday your mustache will abandon your nostrils, Inspector.

O-O-O reports to Aphra that the Imperial ships are setting a new course. Aphra takes a breath. “I’m going to live.”

“For now, Mistress Aphra,” O-O-O chimes in happily. Aphra makes the biggest frown that I’ve seen since my Nightwing days! That Dick Grayson is a punk.

THE THANTEEN SUBSTRATA, ANTHAN 1. Or at least the outskirts. Thanoth foresees a problem: the dang clouds are in the way. They can see a base, but they can’t sneak up on it nor can they make a great getaway if they were to be attacked. Our only hope is to go home to our Hormel chili dinners! Barring that, they can bombard the western tunnels and Vader will take care of the Eastern Seaboard! Hut hut hike!

Those Space Devils or whatever are hanging around doing nothing when an alarm goes off. Shit! So much for having time for a graceful escape. Now what? Scatter like rats! Hut hut hut hut hut hut hike!

Standing on the eastern end, Vader is able to destroy a small single-person ship by throwing a lightsaber at it. This takes four pages to accomplish, so you assuredly will get your money’s worth on this comic book here. “There is no escape,” Vader says gruffly to no one in particular.

So that’s that!

Hormel chili time!

Once the threat has been eliminated and the mission reported, the briefing is met with much indignation. “That wasn’t your mission,” says Morit, aka Twin #1. Thanoth is like “fuck you, nerd” to this kid. Captain Sideburns does congratulate the success of that particular mission, but LAMBASTS the dark helmeted one for letting the thief get away scott free. Now she’s somewhere, which could be anywhere, and now we’re all nowhere! Arrrrghh!

Darth Vader cops to it, surprisingly, but justifies it with splendor and aplomb. “Chasing after a few coins or crushing the Rebels? That is not a choice.”

After thinking for a few hundred thousand million moments, Captain Sideburns (aka the Boss Man) decides that Vader made the correct call on this one. The twins scowl and grump.

Mr. Squid, Karbin, the Admiral Ackbar species, is supposed to be chasing down Luke Skywalker but he fucking sucks at it. No progress whatsoever. Disappointing.

Grand General Whatshisname Sideburns dismisses the group; Thanoth and Vader have another congenial chat as they walk through the corridors. Thanoth sucks Vader’s limp little white fish dick about how he didn’t throw him under the bus, to which Vader says matter-of-factly “I do not fear any of these fools.”

“It’s a shame the thief escaped, of course.”

“Do not worry, Thanoth… she will not escape justice.”

Meanwhile, Aphra – escaping justice – hangs out in a cave with her murderous droid friends. O-O-O warns her that withholding information about Luke’s whereabouts and manipulating Vader is blackmail. “He was quite clear on what would result.”

Aphra looks rather forlorn. Then Vader shows up and she forgets to look forlorn some more.

Aphra… your own mustache is captivating.

“Vrogas Vas. The boy’s on Vrogas Vas,” she says forlornly. We’re back to forlornliness! But she tells Vader that, to avoid getting killed, her instincts told her to show him that she’s trustworthy. “I want to work for you. I’ve shown you what I can do. I can’t do anything for you when I’m dead. You’ll keep me alive… Hopefully.”

Vader does that thing where he compliments her and then tells her that she better not make him regret his compliments. Like, if he shows any sign of genuine appreciation then his little white fish dick might suck itself up into his own body. Then he wonders out loud why Luke might be on Vrogas Vas. It’s a stupid planet for dumb people, honestly. What’s the point?

“No idea,” responds Aphra. “There’s some old Jedi temple there. Maybe sight-seeing?”

Vader tells her that, no, idiot, there’s no temple there. Then he does that thing where he tells her that he’ll kill her if this turns out to be a trick. Then he leaves on his TIE fighter. Aphra gets nervous because, obviously, oh shit, how will she know for sure that it isn’t a trick? Damn.

Elsewhere, Karbin has caught wind of Vader’s trip to Vrogas Vas. Karbin was headed there anyway! But Karbin is one step ahead, oh Karbin is indeed. All like, USURP MY MISSION, WILL YOU? I WILL USURP YOUR FACE!

So Karbin intends to follow Vader to the planet and then maybe kill him nice and good and dead.

lol

Final Thoughts

THAT DARTH VADER WILL ASSUREDLY GET KILLED BY SOME GUY NAMED KARBIN. I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE. Move along, nothing to see here, people.