Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #960 – “Path of Doom (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Clark Kent can’t fly and he can’t help and he fell and broke his damn arm like a complete wuss. Superman is losing the battle against Doomsday. This universe’s Lex Luthor appears willing to legitimately help, which is TOTALLY BIZZARO! So to speak.

Lois and Jon are watching the fight at home even though Lois doesn’t want to show Jon the utter CARNAGE, but Jon is totally whooping it up. But then Superman fucks up and causes the whole city block to explode! And now he seems to be missing, just in time for Doomsday to take the fuck over and wreak more havoc!

And I’ve got a cake in the oven! ACTION!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #960 [September, 2016]
Written by: Dan Jurgens
“Path of Doom (Part 4)”

Cover art tells me that Wonder Woman needs to jump in and save the day. Always picking up after Superman’s mess. He should pay her $150,000,000 for her time and efforts. Sell the Fortress of Solitude. Oh wait, that’s worth $20.

Mr. Robe, watching the action on his screens, is happy with the progression of events so far. Superman buried under rubble caused by Doomsday’s destruction while the wife and kid watch AND, if you can believe it, a second Clark Kent flailing around the scene. One who has no powers. One who is likely from Earth, just like the rest of the slobs populating the planet.

Before Doomsday has a chance to crush Clark into paste, Wonder Woman swoops down, scoops up the hapless nerd, and flies him away to safety. Or jumps around; I don’t think Wonder Woman can fly. She can just lasso you with her rope and learn all your dirty sex secrets.

Clark Kent wonders what Wonder Woman is doing here. Wonder Woman wonders what Clark Kent is doing here. The Wondering Woman says she’ll explain her end later once they find a bandaid and a lollipop for Clark. The guy’s arm is broken, as we know, and that’s more than enough evidence to show that he’s not actually Superman. Wonder Woman rips the sleeve off from Clark’s impossibly muscular arm and fashions a makeshift sling for the other arm. Good job, Wonder Woman! He’s fixed!

Superman erupts from out of the rubble and screams Doomsday’s name. Like this: “DOOMSDAY!” He goes back to fighting, which is boring, but Jon Kent doesn’t seem to think so. He rallies from the comfort of his farmhouse, pumping his fist in glee. “Dad is back an’ he’s got help!”

Superman punches the stone guy in the face like it’ll do anything. 3,272 blows to the face in three seconds and all it does it scrape up Superman’s porcelain, velvety knuckles. Wonder Woman enters the fray while Doomsday grabs Superman’s little peanut head with one rocky hand.

Like Shaq palming a basketball.

In one motion, Wonder Woman grabs Doomsday’s other hand and throws him across the street. She doesn’t even break a sweat, it was like throwing a wad of paper in the garbage can. “Diana,” says Superman. “Good to see you again.” And Wonder Woman says “fuck off, cunt.”

No, she’s happy to see him, too. Or there’s something in her pocket. At any rate, the two of them are rejuvenated and ready to continue fighting. Wonder Woman mentions her surprise about the human Clark Kent, to which Superman responds with “yeah, ain’t that a friggin’ pickle?” He lifts up the ruins of a subway railcar. “I have no idea who he is or where he came from,” he claims.

Doomsday throws a van. Wonder Woman blocks it with her shield. “All that matters – is taking this beast down!”

Superman slams a whole railcar on Doomsday’s face. KRAMM! “Try this!” says Superman. The force is so strong that it creates a hole in the Earth deep enough to pee in and never hear the trickle. OK, new tactics! Let’s find a way to get Doomsday out of the city before he murders all the citizens. Meanwhile, Jon Kent yells “YES!” so loud that he shatters the living room window. This draws the attention of Doomsday about 450 miles away.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” Lois says nonplussed. “We’ll keep working on helping you control your abilities so they don’t hear you in the next county. Or state.”

Superman, down in the hole, mansplains to Wonder Woman that Doomsday is capable of killing anyone and that he must be stopped. However, Wonder Woman astutely observes that Doomsday is no longer in the hole. Superman is like “IMPOSSIBLE!” Wonder Woman is like “use your eyes, dipshit.”

He pranced off to go bake some apology cookies.

SuperLex swoops into the mix. “You owe me an explanation. Both of you, in fact.”

The news report says that Doomsday disappeared from Metropolis, which pleases Jon profusely. “That bony ol’ monster was so chicken he ran away? Sweet!”

Nein! Doomsday is bouncing – literally bouncing away from Metropolis and toward the farm. Lois is disconcerted. Definitely not concerted. “Something’s wrong,” she thinks while Jon continues thinking the fight is over. I’m like, not yet kiddo! There are still two and a half issues left of the story!

“Don’t make demands of me, Luthor,” say Superman all tough-guy like. “EVER.” Wonder Woman tells Lex that Doomsday is mean. Superman goes over Doomsday’s history, which I can summarize as follows: Doomsday is a 250,000-year-old scientific experiment in which a being was created to survive anything. This was caused by repeatedly killing a baby until the baby couldn’t die anymore. Lex thinks this is genius. I think it’s fucked up.

Jimmy Olsen is ejaculating over Wonder Woman’s presence. “Think the whole League will be here?”

Wonder Woman asks if killing Doomsday will just mean he’ll reappear again. And all this dying and living and dying and living has taught him to hate Kryptonians for some reason! Hey! Wait a minute! Jon Kent is Kryptonian!

Jon Bon Jovi, of course! We need to stop Doomsday before we lose a national treasure!

FOOOOSH! Superman flies away to return home before Doomsday shows up to his house to sit on the roof and then fart really hard on the house, crumbling it into teeny tiny splinters.

Lois’ intuition has reached a conclusion. “Get in the truck,” she orders her son. “NOW!” Then Lois drives like a crazy woman to get as far from the house as possible, but too bad Doomsday travels 45 miles of distance between bounces.

On the other hand, Superman travels 45 miles of distance in two nanoseconds, and since he used his Car Finding Powers he was able to leap right in front of the truck, scaring the bejeesus out of Lois. “Don’t worry. I have you,” he says after Lois suffers a major coronary infarction.

Jon Kent gets to meet the wondrous Wonder Woman. Lois says it’s good to see Wonder Woman again even though she and Superman have been fucking each other for decades. They have a warm heart-to-heart about being friends now which makes me groan and moan and shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails just to distract myself from the pain.

“Doomsday would never run away,” Superman tells Lois, and she had thought the same thing, obviously.

“I’m glad you’re here with us,” says Lois.

“If he doesn’t show, which I hope is the case – I’ll have to go looking for him,” says Superman with a face of DETERMINATION.

They say they love each other, which prompts me to grab more bamboo shoots, but they are interrupted by a huge-ass BRAM! noise in the woods. Superman instructs his family to drive as fast and as far away as possible, and in the distance they all see Doomsday and Wonder Woman running up toward one another. Superman yells again to GO! GO! GO ALREADY, IDIOTS!

“I know what I have to do,” Superman thinks as Wonder Woman gets clocked in the mug so hard that other people’s teeth shatter.

Final Thoughts

BETTER CALL IN AQUAMAN WITH HIS SQUIRT GUN! It’s going to take more than brawn to beat Doomsday. You need brains. You need Lex Luthor brains, and he’s going to make some sort of mousetrap that’ll knock Doomsday’s dick right in the dirt.