Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #8 – “B Level (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Jessica spends a great bit of time looking for Rick Jones. She buys his book, learns that he had spent most of his tenure as a superhero wracked with insecurities and guilt, and discovers that he plays solo shows down at the Ultimate. He sings “Changes” by Bowie and probably nothing else.

When Jessica tries to talk to him backstage, he slams her against the wall and demands to know if she’s working for the Kree or the Skrull! She better pick the right choice or this guy is going to burn his guitar like Jimi Hendrix.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #8 [June, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“B Level (Part 3)”

Now this is a nice cover. I like how well-drawn Jessica Jones is while Rick Jones looks like complete garbage. He looks like he’s burping into the microphone.

We open with another page of Rick James “Bitch”’s book. On page 97 he describes his ability to “Forrest Gump” his way into historical situations. First, he was there when Bruce Banner gets all fucked up, then he’s there to be Captain America’s sidekick for about twelve minutes, and now he recounts the tale wherein he finds some armbands that allow two people to switch bodies between dimensions. He made a connection with Captain Marvel, aka Mar-Vell of the Kree (a male Captain Marvel) through these armbands.

“WHO SENT YOU TO FUCK UP MY LIFE AGAIN?!” he spits and growls and froths. Oh yeah, he said that at the end of the last issue! Well, the next thing that happens is Jessica grabbing Rick’s arm with her super strength and giving him the “don’t push your fucking luck” face. She twists his arm a bit, he knows she’s a Kree. “You are one of them, right?” he winces.

“Rick – my name is Jessica Jones. I am not a Kree and I am not a Skrull. So – calm – the – fuck – down.”

She’s dead Rick. She leapt into a cement truck. She’s fucking dead.

She lets go. Rick rubs his arm. He still thinks she’s a Kree.

Look buddy, go home. Your wife is in hysterics and I’m already tired of her even though I saw her for ten minutes and haven’t heard from her at all since, but nevertheless just get the hell home.

“I can’t,” he responds.
“You can’t?”
“Can’t.”
“Or won’t.”
“No. No, I can’t. I – All this shit with the Skrulls and shit – it’s fucking up my shit.”

There’s MAX Comics for you! Witty articulation is traded in for fun four letter words! What is this, the Tom Writes About Stuff blog?

Rick doesn’t want to elaborate upon any of this with Jessica. First of all, she’s a Kree. Second of all, she’s bugging him. She’s not taking that as an excuse. It’s going to take a lot more than “fuck you, lady” for Jessica Jones to get fucked! “You told your wife we were related.”

“I did? Are we?”
“I don’t know – are we?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Then why did you tell her that?”
“Tell her what?”
“…that we were related?!”
“I don’t even know you. Why would I say that?”
“She came into my office and said that you were.”
“FUCK!”

This is going splendidly. This is the part where Rick starts ranting and raving about how nuts this woman is. Off her rocker and belonging in the looney bin with all the other Looney Tunes. Daffy Duck, in particular! She belongs in the mental hospital with Daffy Duck.

“She gets an idea – a whim – just whims that come to her. And then she decides they’re true. All of a sudden, they’re fact.”
“She made it up?”
“Is your last name Jones?”
“Yes.”
“There you go. We must be related. Your last name is Jones.”

You don’t seem to be much of a catch yourself, Ricky.

Jessica asks why this fool even married Jane in the first place. It’s because he loves her, that’s why. In spite of it all, Rick loves her and that’s just the way it is. Do you even know what love is, Jessica? Or are you just ALONE in life? Is that what it is, Jessica? Are you just ALONE? Heh.

BOOM! That’s merely the sound of a car’s backfiring engine, but Rick is heard to exclaim “JESUS FUCK!” and he starts heading for the hills. Now Jessica has to chase this guy down. A lot of maintenance, this one.

She does catch up with him because she’s fast and he sucks. She demands to know what’s going on. He can’t tell her.

This is a nice bottle episode, ain’t it? I can write a comic book like this. ISSUE #52: Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No! See you next month.

Rick has been sufficiently cornered, so we finally get to hear him start spilling it. “Shit, okay… y-you know about the Kree-Skrull War?” And it’s, like, of course she does! She read all about it in his book Rick Jones Joneses Around.

Is this tall drink of water on the cover you? *wink*

Ever since that stupid war, which Rick didn’t even really know what all the fuss was about by the way, his life has sucked rude ass! A TV show, a book deal, a record deal, personal blowjob assistants, a mansion, a planet, and bags of money with dollar signs on them falling from the sky. He had it all baby! Then he got too famous. Then he got a bounty on his head. An honest-to-God intergalactic bounty! Then he died! But that comes later, actually. For now Rick is very much alive.

It’s that damned war. People around the galaxy are still pissed off about that war, man. The Skrull are gunnin’ for revenge and whatnot. People from other planets. People from other dimensions. This is some dangerous shit he got himself into! He shouldn’t even be at the Ultimate singin’ David Bowie songs. He should be in his apartment eating cold Chef Boyardee under a bare lightbulb.

“I know people who have encounters like that. I believe you,” Jessica says as Rick tosses his guitar case over a fence. “It’s not so out there.”

She just really wants to know who, specifically, like, very specifically, like, come on, is after him. So she can either fuck off or she can help, and helping is her business. Sort of. She tries, that’s all the matters.

“We have mutual friends, right?” Jessica goads. “You’re a friend of a friend. A friend of a friend is a friend.”

Uh huh. Look lady, Rick is tired. So very tired. He doesn’t even know what to do and who to trust anymore. “I’m considered, like, a war criminal or something, for things that went on during the Kree-Skrull War and now there’s a price on my head,” he explains again. We already know this, Rick. Krees, Skrulls, we’ve all BEEN there, man.

God, it’s too bad she’s obligated to find this guy for a client. I would’ve capped his ass backstage 45 minutes ago.

Rick didn’t even do anything! Maybe he bashed a bunch of Skrull children against a tree. Thousands of Skrull children and babies. One after another. But other than that, he didn’t do anything! …maybe he single-handedly ended the war. For reasons. And now some people want to even the score a little bit. For reasons. “You think those kind of heroics or whatever go unanswered? They do not.”

We’re getting a bit melodramatic here. If I were Jessica I’d kidnap him and throw him to the first Skrull I see.

“Wait, if there’s a price on your head, why are you making public appearances?” she asks him, and thank God she brought it up. CH- CH- CH- CH- CHANGES!!

Rick is all DON’T TAKE MY GUITAR AWAY FROM ME, MAN. Jessica is annoyed. This guy is annoying. He’s basically a teenager.

“If I can’t play my guitar – they won.”

Next Jessica suggests that he go to the Avengers and have them help out. He can lay low in the Avengers Mansion and watch a lot of *checks the year this comic book came out* …TiVo.

He doesn’t entertain this idea, which means he’s got some beef going on with them too. Beefs everywhere. A real beef party. “I don’t get you,” Jessica says. “You’re going to sulk in shadows all day and night.” He doesn’t care. And he won’t give her a reason.

Rick admits that our favorite dummy Captain America is not happy with him. A lot of it is because of the book, if you can believe it. And by that I mean, if you can believe that Captain America knows how to read. Captain America told Rick not to publish the book, but he did it anyway. That’s definitely not a bro move. Not a bro move at all.

“He’s so pissed that it’s worth risking getting popped by a Skrull than to talk to him?” Jessica asks him, trying to find some, any, semblance of logic within this whole inane situation.

Okay, Rick. The big bad “Skrulls” won’t hurt you anymore where we’re going.

How about the Fantastic Four? No. But Reed Richards is a smarty man. He can help! No. But he’ll fix this. Plus, he’s nice as hell. No. Well, maybe, actually. I didn’t really think of the Fantastic… how many again?… Four!

He seems agreeable, and they walk away together.

PREDICTION ALERT: Ant-Man ain’t got nothing on Rick Jones. Sorry, Carol Danvers. She’s going to fuck the rock star instead.

The next morning, which likely wasn’t too much later anyway, Jessica and Rick arrive at their destination. “Welcome to the Baxter Building, home of the world-famous Fantastic Four,” pipes in a rather cheerful, plastic-looking desk clerk. “Can I help you?”

Reed Richards can only be seen by appointment, which is funny, because Jessica has been spending the better part of four hours trying to call the building and make an appointment, so… yeah… uhm…

I was pretty close with the plastic smile part. The woman is some sort of robot. Rick tries to explain why he’s there to meet Reed Richards. “I am detecting a fluctuation in your voice modulation,” the woman tells him, “and we won’t be able to process your appointment at this time.”

They say SCREW THIS. Jessica just wants to call the dang Avengers at this point. Rick finally concedes, but while Jessica tries to get ahold of someone over the phone at the Avengers Mansion, Rick sees something that makes him jumpy again and he starts booking it. Again.

She chases him outside, but he’s lost among the throng of people. Back to square one.

Final Thoughts

Is this story really going to wrap up in the next issue? I don’t believe it. I can’t believe. I WON’T believe it.

Eh, whatever. See you next time.