Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #12 – “Rebecca, Please Come Homel (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Jessica Jones takes on a case of a missing teenage daughter! Her name is Rebecca, and after talking to her “I swear I didn’t fuck her” father, and “I swear I want to fuck you” cop, we learn nothing! Then we learn at Rebecca’s high school that she’s a mutant!

The dad totally fucked her.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #12 [September, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Rebecca, Please Come Home (Part 1)”

This issue picks up exactly where the previous one left off! So let me start this conversation over, the one that began between Jones and a random woman in front of Rebecca’s locker.

“You’re looking at the wrong side of the door,” she says.

“What?”

“What you’re looking for is on the front of the locker. See it?”

“No, what are–? Oh.”

*sees the barely-legible word “DIE”*

“What is this?” Jones asks.

“What do you expect… she was a mutant.”

“A mutant? Rebecca Cross — a mutant.”

“Oh yeah.”

“A mutant.”

“Totally.”

OK, so this conversation isn’t really worth transcribing after all! After getting to the bottom of exactly what this woman thinks the definition of “mutant” is (it’s the mutant definition), she asks her how she knows this information.

The woman – girl – is named Mary Wilkinson. She goes to school with Rebecca, and Rebecca told her this information from her own mutant face. They used to be friends, but not so much these days for no malicious reasons. So, actually, now that she thinks of it, she heard it from Liz’s non-mutant face. She’s a cheerleader with fake titties, according to Mary. Also, Freddy from the football team told Liz, you see. Whew, quite a knot to untangle!

“What kind of powers did she have?” Jones asks.

“What? I – I uh – I don’t know exactly. Do they all have powers?”

“Kind of the whole point of being a mutant.”

So, presumably no one has actually seen Rebecca use powers, but rumors of her mutantdom have been spreading nonetheless. “Being a mutant is like being gay or Jewish,” says Mary. “You don’t want to pretend you are if you’re not, right? Right?”

Teenagers are stupid.

Gay Jewish mutants? Now we’re getting somewhere! “Lovely,” is Jones’ only response to this, and decidedly so. Mary tells Jones that she hopes Rebecca’s not dead as Jones walks away to look for this Freddy character on the football field doing what football players do. Hold the football, for example.

The jocks hoot ‘n’ holler at Jessica Jones as she approaches, obviously looking like a hot piece of ass substitute teacher. She singles out Freddy, who looks like a total bowlcut Flash Thompson twin, and pulls him aside for QUESTIONING of the highest order. Questions like “why did you tell people that Rebecca Cross was a mutant” and “what’s with the bowlcut, son?”

Freddy insists that he only knows because Rebecca told him straight up while he was busy fumbling his dick and trying to hit on her. She got weird, man. She said how her mutant powers would kill him if they started fuckin’. Then Freddy asks if Jones is “mutant police” and then wonders if it’s illegal to to try and bang a mutant. This is part where Jones walks away. Again.

As Jones opens her car, a woman from the newspaper named Patrice Pugawa flags her down for some questions about her ongoing investigation. “Yeah, uh, I am not going to be talking to you,” Jones says as she gets into her shitty sedan. Patrice persists, so Jones has something to say off the record: go fuck yourself, because any information she gives could be used by the assailant or kidnapper or butt-rapist to cover his OR HER tracks. Beat it.

“Are you coming to the church on Sunday?” asks Patrice.

“Probably not.”

“You really should.”

Whatever, lady. Later in the evening, Jones thumbs through one of Rebecca’s scrapbooks in a bar. Sheriff Hunk o’ Man offers her a shot of something with a roofie in it, probably. Jones comments on the talent of Rebecca the Scrapbooker. Lots of cool art. The sheriff asks if this is the “mostest fucked up” case she has ever had, which probably turns her off a little bit. Fix your grammar then we’ll talk about pussying up your junk, sir. Jones starts talking about a more fucked up case involving a baby, but she is interrupted by Rebecca’s fat dad.

LET’S CLASS UP THIS SHITHOLE!

“SUPERBITCH! What kind of superpowers you need to come around here and fuck up my life? Ssshhuper bitch powers?”

Ed Cross, as is his name, tries to get all up in Sheriff Mostest’s face about hanging out with Jones, but the Good Sheriff tells Ed to fuck off. “Seems to me she’s the only one in this town we know for sure had nothing to do with your daughter.” Then Ed backs off a bit after the sheriff continues to point out his suspicious behavior. The ranting behavior of a motherfucker who has something to hide. So sober your ass up and help, maybe?

Now Ed really backs off. And he even apologizes! The Sheriff, who still looks a lot like Luke Wilson, sits back down and grins. Next thing you know, the two of them are sucking face on the hood of a police car.

Heh heh, sorry! I… uh… sorry! I have to go kill a little black kid. Duty calls!

Jessica Jones wants it bad, but Sheriff Luke Wilson gets wishy-washy all of a sudden. “I think you’re drunk,” he says. “Well, duh!” she says. “Ha!!! Come on… Come back here… Come here! Come here! Come on!”

The dude gets nervous. “Listen, with your powers – you – you might hurt me, or something…”

Jones finds this amusing and lures him back with her sexy powers of seductive seduction. And, I’m guessing, they fuck on the police car. So, that happens.

The next part is unclear, but there are a few pages of Jessica Jones, as Jewel, flying toward Thor in the sky, in the middle of a dense urban environment no less! They both smile at each other with the ol’ sex eyes. Then she looks down and sees a scowling woman with glasses in a window. She scowls and scowls while Jewel looks taken aback.

And then Jessica Jones wakes up in a cell, groggy and hungover. Sheriff Luke Wilson opens the lock. “The fuck –” she says. “You fucked me and threw me in jail?”

Well, he wasn’t going to let you stay at his place! Heh heh! He smiles and says the the fucking was a bit too much for him last night. So that’s that, I guess. She packs up and walks away remembering that it’s now Saturday. That means tomorrow is Sunday, and that one lady told her to go to church tomorrow for some fool ass reason. That church right over there! Hey, look!

Even though it’s Saturday, Jones enters the church. She finds the pastor standing at his dais in the poorly-lit room. He’s practicing some sort of anti-mutant sermon.

If God’s so fuckin’ smart then how come he put the poop hole so close to the pee hole?

After a minute, he notices Jones. “Oh, hello – can you hear me back there? Just practicing for tomorrow and I can never tell if my voice is –”

“I hear you just fine,” she responds, looking all dark and dangerous in the shadows like she’s about to throttle a bitch.

Final Thoughts

Jessica Jones is going to take a Man of God on an express train to Fist City where the complimentary breakfast is a knuckle sandwich. See you in Lucky Issue #13.