All-New Wolverine (Vol. 1), Issue #5

* Part 5 of 6 of the Four Sisters storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-New Wolverine (Vol. 1), Issue #5! In the previous installment, the cloney ladies visit Doctor Strange for only about four minutes before Bellona shoots holes in his cupboard that leads to a monster dimension. Zelda gets hurt while fighting the monster, and an MRI scan confirms nanites in her brain.

Cool?

So Kinney’s idea is to shrink down to nanite-size and kill the nanites.

No, I don’t know what’s going on either.

All-New Wolverine (Vol. 1), Issue #5 [April, 2016]
Written by: Tom Taylor

I knew it. Teaming up with Wasp, baby. Those nanites won’t know what hit ‘em.

The Sisters are also confused as to exactly what Kinney wants to do, but Gabby tells her to act fast, whatever it is. “Zelda’s getting weaker,” she says with wide, vacant eyes. Kinney tries to get the suit out of the tube, and Bellona’s idea is to shoot the tube with a bullet. She is stopped by a shock of electricity courtesy of the Wasp, who has entered the room clandestinely as the current owner of PYM laboratories, where Kinney and Co. broke into rudely. Notable about Wasp is her pixie cut, which is cute as all get-out. Ladies, get out there and get your hair chopped off. You’ll look better.

Anyway, as owner of PYM laboratories, Wasp doesn’t want her labs shot up by random gangster-types. “What are you doing here?” she asks them, which is a reasonable question. “Honestly, we’re here to steal an Ant-Man suit,” Kinney responds. “And why would I let four Wolverines steal a suit from this lab?” Wasp asks. “I know this must look weird,” is all Kinney can say to that.

How did they bypass the security system? Doctor Strange’s magic teleportation whozits. This irks Wasp, who tries to get Doctor Strange on the phone to yell at him—even calls him Stephen—but he slyly deflects all blows. Frustrated, Wasp hangs up.

I thought Wasp was giving Kinney the finger there for a moment. Missed opportunity.

“And why was Doctor Strange helping you to steal an Ant-Man suit?” Wasp asks. This lady is full of questions. How about some damn answers! Here’s an answer: nanites! Creepy crawley nanites are infesting Zelda’s stupid brain and they need to help her. Kinney needs to get small NOW.

While they fight over this shit, Mr. Robert “Alchemax” Chandler and Captain “Shingles” Mooney are in a super secret underground bunker hiding from the murderous Sisters along with the rest of the staff. If those Sisters aren’t found, Chandler and his whole operation may go to prison for unethical genetics testing. Mooney promises a swift conclusion to this issue, but Chandler calls him a liability. “The Sisters escaped under your watch. You were told to find them but be discreet.” And yeah, as we all recall, Mooney was racing down the streets of New York City guns-ablazin’. “EXPLOSIONS AREN’T DISCREET!” Chandler cries. Mooney’s contract will be terminated once the Sisters are found, so pack up all your shit.

For reasons I can’t fathom, Wasp actually lets the larcenous Kinney wear the Ant-Man suit. They are both swimming in a syringe full of liquid waiting to be injected into Zelda’s head. Wasp tries to warn Kinney that this is some dangerous happenings and that she may not survive to tell the tale. “Listen…” Wasp says. “We don’t want to be small for long. It’s dangerous.” And to this, Kinney is like “Yeah, ok, we’ll just kill every single one of the four million nanites and get out, badabing badaboom five minutes tops.”

Into the bloodstream they go and on the look-out for tiny little robots. When one shows up, Wasp observes that if Logan were Wolverine-ing right now, he would already be over there gnawing its legs off. They both make short work of the robot. Only a trillion left to go.

This destroyed nanite shows up as a blip on the super secret underground bunker computers. The scientists are like “fuck, these nanites are supposed to be untraceable”. It’s unclear what happened to it. Maybe it exploded on its own! Were they programmed to do that?

Almost dying is a thrill. Like a roller coaster or some of the finest heroin in town.

Wasp complains that there are too many nanites to deal with. Since Kinney’s able to heal quickly, she advises Wasp to get behind her. Because Kinney ain’t stopping until Zelda’s bloodstream is clogged up with little torn-up robot pieces.

Meanwhile, Zelda sits up with a catatonic look on her face. “Hnngg…” she utters. Yeah, things don’t seem to be going well. She asks why she’s not dead. She should be dead! Why isn’t she dead! And Gabby has the explanation: “Teeny-tiny warrior women are fighting for your life against the teeny-tiny robots in your body.” Zelda finds this explanation to be troublesomely confusing, but hey! Still alive! Even Bellona’s smiling, and the last time she smiled was when she gouged the eyes out of a six-year-old child for glancing at her at the grocery store.

Someone fires a bullet through the window and it hits Zelda right in the stomach.

Then an explosion rattles the room, throwing the women all over the place.

Kinney and Wasp are experiencing an increased blood flow. Kinney believes this is merely because Zelda’s possibly now awake, but Wasp isn’t so sure. “I think there’s something wrong. We have to get out there now.”

Mooney approaches the rubble of the exploded laboratory and aims a gun at the fallen Bellona. “You should have stayed in your cages,” he says before Gabby grabs him by the collar and headbutts the fuck out of his nose. Even with a loud crunch, he doesn’t seem to be affected whatsoever.

Zelda, whose stomach has healed, hobbles up to Mooney. She calls him a pathetic, mad sadist. Mooney shoots Zelda in the stomach again, which allows Kinney and Wasp to escape Zelda’s body. With a loud SNIKT, Kinney embiggens and tears into Mooney’s shoulder. Mooney is like “What the ungodly fuck just happened?” mere seconds before Wasp fries him with electricity.

Ahhh! Hate crime!

Mooney collapses in an unconscious heap. Kinney runs to Zelda, who is painlessly bleeding out. “But… we saved you,” Gabby cries. Zelda tells her it’s ok, things are good. Dying doesn’t seem so bad if you think about it. Non-existence? She can do that in her sleep!

“Laura? Listen,” Zelda says with her dying breaths. “I know what you’re trying to do. But fight it. Fight whatever’s stopping you from unleashing. Hunt them down. Hurt them. Teach them a lesson. They need… they need to understand. They can bring us into this world… but they can’t own us.”

*dead*

*jaunty West Wing end credits music plays*

“I’ll take Captain Mooney in once he wakes up,” Wasp says. Kinney declines this offer. She’s got plans for that bitch. This is the Sisters’ fight, not the Avengers’.