Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-New X-Men (Vol. 1) Issue #2! Looks like we don’t get titles for the stories anymore, which sends my OCD into a fit of hysterical, inconsolable rage! In the previous installment, Cyclops is cuckoo nutso now and he’s on a mission to, I don’t know, kill all humans and save all mutants. He’s making the other X-Men cry.

Beast is constipated, or he’s mutating again, same difference. In spite of his troubles, he decides to go back in time with his DeLorean and talk a young Scott Summers into talking to an old Scott Summers about cutting out this genocide mischief. It’s some “the only person who can tell him to stop is himself” loophole.

Unless, of course, Old Scott Summers is feral and bites a chunk out of Young Scott Summers’ neck. Then they’ll all be shit out of luck, won’t they? ESPECIALLY the humans!

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #2 [January, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis

All right, the cover tells me that the Anti-Cyclops team has assembled! Wolverine! Storm Chaser! Iced Man! Beastly! Cat Power! The Aussie! They all look like they’re ready to tear the reader a new one. Better flip that page before you get a face full of claws and/or feces. Wolverine’s flingin’ both these days.

A full-size splash page with as many words as L. Ron Hubbard’s 10-volume Misson: Earth series (the unabridged version) catches me up on Scott Summer’s shenanigans. He’s “gathering mutants as fast as they appear” for his “new mutant revolution”. This is all mid-life crisis shit, trying to atone for regrets and sins and other nebulous shame-related emotions. The other X-Men, as it is said, are “at their wit’s end” about it! They make it sound like Cyclops keeps eating all the cake every time one of them bakes a cake. Or some other more apt analogy!

At the Jean Grey School of Gettin’ High and Gettin’ Poon, Kitty Pryde knocks on the door to Beast’s quarters. The whole hallway looks like a spaceship dock. Someone is an accidental elbow away from hitting the airlock button and jettisoning everybody into the sun.

Beast has been going potty a lot lately. Potty all over the place.

Beast isn’t answering. Strange. He always answers! “Henry? We want to go track down Scott,” she says, as if Beast is a child who forgot the plan. “Come on, Henry, you’re freaking us out! If I phase through the door I’ll blow the circuitry and you’ll be mad at me.”

Beast isn’t answering. Still strange. This dumb motherfucker is making everyone suspicious. Almost as if he traveled back in time and forgot to return at the same instant he left. Classic rookie mistake.

So Pryde phases through the door and blows the circuitry and Beast is going to be mad at her. You know how he feels about the sanctity of circuitry!

Beast’s quarters looks like a landfill of industrial robot arms and computers. They find a mini purple hologram schematic of his skeleton, just kind of chilling there. I mean, Kitty Pryde is a genius too, just like Hank McCoy, and she doesn’t even know what Hank McCoy is up to! The genius! Even the genius is perplexed!

Pryde mashes a bunch of buttons on a keyboard and a screen flashes on with a terrible 2D rendering of Wolverine. “Don’t touch that which doesn’t belong to you, Students of the Atom,” says the cute computer graphic. Should I be capitalizing that? “Students of the Atom”? It seems capitalize-able.

Anyway, this is weird too. Everything’s fucking weird here. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Maybe mutant genocide isn’t that big a deal, now that we are all thinking about it. Maybe–

Oh hell, we’re in the past now. Young, human-looking versions of Cyclops, Beast, Iceman, Jean Grey, and a so-far unidentified blonde dude are all staring at Beast like he just took a giant, blue shit on the floor.

These all look like Clue characters ready to solve a murder.

Beast is very patient. He knows how this looks, it must be very hard to explain. Let’s start at the beginning: when a man loves a woman, he– hmm, well, heh heh, that story’s a little blue, you might say! *rimshot*

Young Hank is coming around already on this, though. “This is absolutely fascinating on every conceivable level,” he says, stroking his chin smartly. Bobby “Iceman” Brady is all like “whoa man, you’re talkin’ jive, son! Scott Summers, THE Scott Summers is gonna go Hitler on everyone’s asses? Far out man.”

“I mean, look at him,” Bobby says, for real this time, “he’s waaaay too boring to bring on an apocalypse.”

Jean Grey goes with her original idea to get Professor Xavier involved. Beast, again, warns her to NOT do that. Beast encourages her to just read his mind and it will all become clear! But, whoops, she doesn’t know how to do that yet. Heh, never mind, kid! Here, have a lollipop.

“Let’s say any of this is true, which I am not convinced,” speaks up Blondie, whoever he is, “what about Professor Xavier from your time?”

Uhhhh, well, he pooped too hard on the toilet and died, so he can’t help whatsoever. Don’t you think Beast would’ve tried that already? No, he had to time-travel. Which is impossible. That’s how desperate he is!

Surprise!

Just kidding! Oh, how he wishes that were so, but no, the Professor did not die from anything poop-related. We all hope. No, it was your buddy Scott Summers what did him in. He genocided him right in the neck and/or face. Scott is being a real Bad Boy. So come back to the future and straighten this out, ok?

“How could you say that to me?” Scott grimaces at his futuristic blue friend. If Scott could cry without burning a hole in his face, he’d probably be doing it right now. Anyone but the Professor! Everyone but the professor!

Young Hank is like whoa whoa whoa. Don’t look at me. I wasn’t the one who traveled back in time to tell you this stuff! Well….ha, uh

Now Scott is all riled up. How DARE he say such slanderous falsehoods! And what’s the point of hearing this right now? What is he supposed to do with this information??

Hey Daredevil-Wannabe. Pay attention. Beast wants you to come with him, and this part’s very important, to stop yourself. Put on your listening ears.

“If he killed Professor X,” pipes in Blondie, pointing a finger at frowny Scott, “then why don’t you kill Scott?” pointing back at Beast. Blondie gets it.

Murder is bad? Look, Beast isn’t in the business to kill anyone named Scott unless it’s Scott “Republicans Will Be Hunted” Adams, creator of Dilbert. Then it’s fair game. That guy needs to be hunted.

Jean Grey is getting feisty now too. “You tell us that Scott killed the Professor but you won’t tell us what we’ll see when we get where you want to take us?” Now that I’m seeing it from all their points of view, Beast didn’t really prepare for this very well, did he? He’s being awfully cagey for someone who needs so much help in such a roundabout way.

Beast admits that he didn’t think it would be that hard to convince the original X-Men. But whatever! He’ll be waiting outside, let him know when you’re ready to just shoot down his idea.

…

HURRR!! Uh oh! HURRR!! I’m mutating! HURRR!! It’s happening, this is it, you guys! HURRRRRRRR!!!!

The four of them immediately turn to Young Hank, who is in awe right now more than anything else. He becomes quite the sexy beast, huh?

Meanwhile, Beast is hanging out on the school grounds by himself enjoying the scenery, and then those really painful constipation pangs start hitting him again. Cramping and sweating, he lurches and burbles! And this is just about the time the group of youngins spots him and starts running toward him. It couldn’t be a worse time. He’s gonna mutate again right in front of them, and he’s gonna become, like, a squid.

“How do you plan on bringing us to meet our terrible future selves?” asks one of them. Good question, One of Them! You’re standing on it! Behold, “the time cube”.

And indeed, there’s a fucking glistening rectangle on the ground. Out of nowhere. It was invented by that pudding face Reed Richards and that smelly old sock Doctor Doom, and modified and perfected by Hank “Beastmode” McCoy. Thank you very much. So just step on this rectangle and that’s it, you little pissants.

“So we understand each other, if this is a trap I blow you head off,” Scott warns Beast. See, he had a little bit of that aggression in him even as a young man. It’s not entirely crazy that Scott Summers would become the genocidal maniac he is today! And he’s not even that at the moment, so everyone is freaking out over nothing. Honestly, people.

Within three panels, they all Time-Cube their way to the present. The Jean Grey School of Shoe Cobbling. And things look great here, actually. Never better! All futuristic and lovely. Jean Grey is horrified that the school is named after her now. Why her? Beast doesn’t answer. Perhaps it’s a touchy subject. I certainly don’t know why. Maybe I’ll learn why in 15 years.

This is all Ninja 101!! This is BASIC STUFF!!!

Wolverine is in the midst of angrily teaching his class about ninjas when he smells the unmistakable scent of TIME-TRAVELING TRESPASSERS outside on the grounds. He runs out, SNIKTs his claws, and leaps with a hearty growl and a hearty froth at the assailants! And they’re dressed like ninjas! They had it coming, based on what they’re wearing and everything.

Jean Grey was already crying before Wolverine attacked for no reason, but she stops him in mid-air rather level-headedly. Wolverine’s face is frozen in the big, snarly way it always is anyway. So nothing is really different other than he’s hovering in the air and not landing on the ground. Iceman hits him with his ice, man. Wolverine unfreezes, ironically, and thumps on the ground. Storm, Pryde, and Old Iceman watch from the school entrance. They see what’s going on here already. They don’t like it.

Blondie asks Beast who these older people are. Blondie has falcon wings. I’m just going to look this guy up right now because no one is saying his name…Warren Worthington III (Angel). Yuck, sorry I had to learn that. Beast tells Warren Worthing the Third that these older people are…the X-Men. Like, we’re at the school, kid. Who else would they be?

Young Iceman and Old Iceman look at each other. There’s some tension…

Stone cold, baby.

Is this Beast guy straight out of the looney bin? Why the fuck would he mess with the space-time contiuum like this? The older X-Men are irate, to say the least!

Beast doesn’t have a chance to make a rebuttal, unless his rebuttal IS just lurching and groaning in front of everybody. Great, another thing to deal with.

Concerned, the group takes Beast back to the school hospital wing. Kitty Pryde tries to check his vitals, but she’s not a doctor. Beast needs a doctor! Is there anyone around here who’s a doctor? Oh, just Beast? Crap.

Mr. Frasier Crane Kelsey Grammar Beast is unconscious now. Young Hank is literally 12-years-old but he can give this doctor thing a shot. In the meantime, Old Iceman wants to know exactly what Beast told them and why he brought all of them here. Young Scott lays it out on the table.

Wolverine is grumpy. “Little X-Men, outside! Now!”

He rounds the little whelps up and starts giving them the straight talk: “Hank’s obviously going through a thing and not thinkin’ straight. So we’re gonna figure out how to get ya back where ya belong and forget this thing ever–”

…ever what? What was he going to say?! Jean Grey had to go and interrupt him. “Sleep,” she demands, doing her mind-meld trickery. “Jean, you know that mind stuff doesn’t work on…” Wolverine begins, then crashes onto the floor with a massive FUMP. All tuckered out, drooling like a baby.

It’s cool, this new thing, you know? Jean was able to read Wolverine’s thoughts; he secretly thought Beast’s idea was kickin’ rad! So she put him to sleep so they could continue their new mission of stopping Genocide Jones.

The youngins gather around to discuss. It sucks that Cyclops becomes a maniac and Jean Grey is dead. “But on the bright side, TV sets are much nicer in the future,” proclaims Young Iceman. Young Angel asks Jean if she figured out who the FUMPed angry guy on the floor is. “This is Wolverine,” she says, “He runs the school. And the rest of his thoughts are…pretty disgusting. And he hates you, Scott.”

Yeah, a Dance Dance Revolution.

Angel thinks they should all just go back. This stuff is too weird. Who knows who’s telling the truth and who’s lying and, above all, who’s telling the truth! And also who’s lying.

Young Hank, who would likely know how he himself thinks better than anyone, suggests that Beast is the real deal. First of all, he’s dying. Why would he spend the time pulling a fast one? Why would he waste his dying moments fucking with his younger self and his friends? Obviously, this is important.

Plus, Cyclops wants to see this bitch future version of himself anyway. But how are they going to find him? He’s traipsing all over the country! They’ll never find him! It’s like a needle in a haystack, and that’s hard enough! Haystacks usually don’t have needles! And furthermore, th–

“Reports from the campus of the University of Dallas confirm another new mutant–” says a very convenient news report. What luck! Let’s go to Dallas. Hopefully Lee Harvey Oswald doesn’t shoot anyone in the head while they’re there.

Kitty Pryde peeks into the room. Things are taking too long and there’s business to attend to… she discovers Wolverine passed out-cold on the floor in an otherwise empty room.

“Uh-oh.”

The kids have already taken off in the X-Men Jumbo Jet! The adults watch as it flies away.

“Uh-oh.”

Final Thoughts

Uh-oh!

The series already breaks the “whatever happened happened” rules of time travel! Any future selves involved should have remembered doing this when they were 12 years old! Old Iceman should’ve been all like “oh yeah, this.”

So harumph to that.