Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #8 – “Us Do Opposite”! In the previous installment, some really dumb, and I mean dumb, Bizarro shit happens and Earth is being taken by Bizarros and Superman sort of saves everyone? But then Cube Earth “burrows into the cosmic sink beneath regular Earth’s universe” and makes the sun all red so Superman loses his powers and Bizarro Superman won’t help. But that’s ok, because Zibarro Superman shows up!

Doesn’t all that brain-pulverizing horseshit sound like a good time? Because this issue is Part 2 of the Bizarro arc and I’d rather jam a toothpick up my narrow urethra. Bwahhhhh!!

All-Star Superman, Issue #8 [August, 2007]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Us Do Opposite”

Ugh, let’s plow through this stank-ass horse hockey. Looks like Superman is going to get strapped to a rocket and launched into oblivion, which is what he deserves and what we all should get to see as a treat.

“Zibarro, this is getting me nowhere…” Superman complains on Cube Earth. As you recall, Zibarro is like the Bizarro Bizarro. It fucking sucks ass and I wish I wasn’t reading this right now. “…there must be something worthwhile in this enormous garbage heap.”

The garbage heap he’s referring to is not his penis, oh no no no. He’s talking about an actual garbage heap. Zibarro tells him that the Bizarro will wander around Bizarrotropolis aimlessly until the all-night. Whatever that is. Goddamn this blows.

Zibarro tells Superman that Bizarros are spawning everywhere from Superman’s memory in order to pacify him and/or prevent him from hitting their home again? Superman is advised to just fly away, but Superman reminds the dingus that the redness of the sun took away his flying juice. Zibarro takes this moment to whine at Superman about how flawed he is, being a flawed Bizarro and all, being one in five billion, and he’s lonely. Oh so lonely. “No shred of intellect exists with which to communicate my thoughts and feelings!” he says, straining his neck like a John Kricfalusi drawing. Superman awkwardly shuffles.

Oh boo hoo. You don’t know what it’s like to be me. You don’t know what it’s like to be Clark Kent. Friends and family and a wife. It’s soooo lonely.

“Must only Zibarro see beauty in a sunset? Must only Zibarro search for poetry in this senseless coming and going?” This Zibarro guy must be really fun at parties. All like “Everything that ever exists is going to die. You could even die on your way home tonight. Where’s the keg?”

Zibarro whines further, saying that he’ll return to the sludge with the rest of the Bizarros when the all-night comes. Off in the distance, Superman spots a Bizarro Jor-El. He knows it’s Bizarro Jor-El because… I don’t know… something about launching a baby into space. As if it’s the only thing Jor-El ever did. Zibarro calls him Le-Roj the King of All Bizarros due to his “twisted behavior”. When the all-night comes, he will make a supreme sacrifice for his people. Sounds dumb, but I’ll bite.

Le-Roj is different from Jor-El because he didn’t blow up on Krypton. That’s one thing. Also, he rules the Cube Earth. Ok.

Superman pounds his fists against the wall hoping for an epiphany. It comes immediately! “I need to build a spaceship. Like the one that brought me to Earth from Krypton. A spaceship capable of escaping your cube world’s terrible gravity.”

To this Zibarro responds with a dejected “Oh…”

And then Zibarro perks up a little, because Superman has no time! Ha ha ha! The all-night is coming! Maybe I should capitalize that from now on.

Anyway, the All-Night is coming! Useless, futile endeavor to try to escape the Cube Earth!

Nice bloodshot eyes, Superman. You’re so fucking high, dude.

Elsewhere, some other dumb shit is happening. Mr. Quintum and his weird Space Alien Assistant are talking to Lois Lane about locating Superman. “Have you located Superman yet?” she asks. Quintum has not yet located Superman.

ALTHOUGH he does believe that he’s still on the Bizarro world, Bizarro-ing it up with the locals. “Think of it as weird super-dense basement level to the universe,” he says condescendingly. “Home to planet-sized monsters like this thing that just attacked us.”

I don’t remember what just attacked them. I don’t care either. Not at all.

Quintum takes this time to spill the beans about that time he flew into the center of the sun and absorbed more radiation than his body could process. It was all Luthor’s fault, of course. Lois Lane makes an “oh no, oh dear” face. “We hardly dared imagine what we’d do without him,” Quintum continues. “We’ve been working overtime to find a cure. So far we’ve failed.” This is all great news! Very reassuring!

But, during the cure-finding mission, they’ve discovered something else quite disturbing. Naked pictures of Bea Arthur. Also, there’s something hiding in the sun. I guess that’s a thing for Superman to take care of once he’s back. Just fly back into the sun again. That will help his grossly malfunctioning body.

On Cube Earth, Superman fills a wheelbarrow with “spaceship materials” (dirt and rocks). He tries to get all the Bizarros to help but they have room temperature IQs and opt to instead walk away laughing about the wheelbarrow. Zibarro tells Superman to stop being so stupid.

Superman runs and gets the Bizarros’ attention by waving his arms maniacally and speaking in their manner. “Me am no want you am listen!” he yells. It works. “Hurrh?” says one brainless Bizarro, turning around to look. They can’t wait to hear what he has to say next!

“ME AM OFFER BIZARROS CHANCE TO BE LAZY, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING SLOBS,” Superman says with Bizarro-type reverse-Bizarro-psychology! “LOOK OVER THERE! ME AM NO OFFER BIZARRO CIVILIZATION A CHANCE TO MAKE MONUMENT TO LAST ALL TIME! CHANCE TO NO MAKE MOST USELESS, BORING FIREWORKS EVER FOR UNGLORY OF BIZARROS AND NO CELEBRATE ALL-NIGHT!

Me am no have a fucking headache right now.

So the Bizarros help him build a crappy spaceship while Zibarro sulks. Superman continues speaking in Bizarro opposites to get them to help, because the sun is getting redder and he’s starting to get demoted to the strength of a literal child. He’s sweating and crying on the ground like a nerd. Zibarro, unnerved by all the Bizarro talking, tells Superman to stop sinking to their level. Superman ignores him, and rightfully so!

Superman looks off into the far distance. “Zibarro! Look there! It’s some kind of fever dream…” And verily, he witnesses a melting, decomposing Bizarro-Green Lantern rising out from a hole in the ground. Then the Bizarro-Flash walking as slow as molasses. Maybe Bizarro-Batman will show up poor and homeless? Bizarro-Wonder Woman not being racist? The Bizarro-Justice League is ready for action, sir.

I’m continuing to hate this comic as Superman mopes around about how inefficient his Bizarro friends are. Things are looking up, though! “I’ve made a crude single-shot ion pulse engine from garbage — it only needs a simple heat source to activate it.” Zibarro hands him some parchment which I assume has spaceship schematics on it. Zibarro notices that Superman is getting weaker. Superman can barely lift a piece of parchment! Idiot.

Zibarro noticed something in the schematics. “There only seems to be room for one on your rocket ship,” he says with accusatory eyeballs. Superman is like “uh huh, yeah, uh” while stammering about how dangerous the mission will be. Don’t forget that Zibarro will do anything to get off the stinkin’ cube. He’ll even perform some extra-sloppy oral intercourse! Whattaya say? *slurp*

I’d even eat at Arby’s!

Superman promises that once he’s back and with his super yellow sun powers, he’ll promise to some day come help Zibarro maybe. Zibarro looks sad. Superman looks sweaty. “I know you think of yourself as a flaw, an imperfection, but you’re something more, Zibarro. You’re proof that Bizarro-Home is getting smarter.”

Oh boy. That and $1.50 will buy him a bag of Doritos. Zibarro finds this gratifying enough, I guess. Le-Roj exclaims that the All-Night is upon them by exclaiming that the All-Night is not upon them. You know, for Bizarro reasons. Superman has to hurry!

The Bizarros celebrate by singing an opposite version of the Star-Spangled Banner. Le-Roj conducts. Superman starts bleeding out his nose. The Bizarros finish their song. Superman collapses on the ground. We all have a good laugh.

After their enchanting song, the Bizarros now tell Zibarro to leave by telling him not to leave. The sad sack whines some more to Superman. “If you only knew how it felt to be so completely despised,” Zibarro moans. “This is my one and only chance to leave this horrible place forever.”

Superman is like, seriously, go fuck yourself Zibarro. Le-Roj professes his love for the other Bizarros as King of the Other Bizarros. Zibarro helps Superman up, as if this will gain him leverage to leave the godforsaken cube planet. Superman has almost been completely drained of his powers as Zibarro ropes him up to the shitty garbage rocket. He asks Superman if he appreciates his writing (?), to which Superman belts out a weak “sure, why not” and compliments his unique voice! “Keep it up. tell the story of the Bizarro-Home. Tell how they made the rocket ship… out of garbage… to shoot the traveler home.”

It’s like the works of Hawethorne and Faulkner and Whitman and Camus and Vonnegut and the guy who wrote The Da Vinci Code all in one!

It seems that Zibarro has already accepted his situation. You know, the one where he gets to live forever on a terrible planet full of dumb motherfuckers who hate him. Superman calls him a friend and he breaks down like a complete wuss. After a few panels of contrived goodbyes, the rocket gets launched…

Meanwhile, Quintum and Co. continue tracking Superman unsuccessfully. “The Bizarro Earth has gone beyond the range of our instruments. Down into the underverse, through the cold layer where time stands still, and beyond into the blazing unknown below. Superman saved us all. But he’s gone. I’m so sorry, Miss Lane.”

Lois makes a “buhhhhh daaaaaarrr” face about this.

That’s it. That’s the comic.

Final Thoughts

Thank the good lord Vampire Jesus that this Bizarro shit is over. Now we can move onto some real stories: Superman getting his fat penis stuck in a tiny gloryhole. Now there’s a comic.