Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol.1), Issue #1! If you’re reading this very post in realtime, OR you started chronologically, then congratulations on stumbling upon a brand new blog feature that’s not music-related. I’m finally putting the “stuff” into “Tom Writes About Stuff”!

EARLY DISCLAIMER: I know jackshit about comic books. You’re reading me getting into a brand new hobby at 33-years-old. Everything that’s objectively incorrect is because I’m learning as I go, and you, the unsuspecting reader, now have to deal with it.

In the year of our lord 2000, due to declining interest and sales in comic books, Marvel decided to reboot everything! And I mean EVERYTHING! The entire “Ultimate Universe” takes place completely separate of the mainstream Marvel universe and can be considered an isolated entity from nearly everything that came before it…and then nearly everything that came after it. In fact, they created Earth-1610 to contain all the stories in the “Ultimate” line of Marvel series. By 2015 they tied the Ultimate Universe back into the mainstream Universe and moved on forever.

We begin our Ultimate journey right at the beginning of Ultimate Spider-Man, which apparently starts at the very beginning and hits all of the major Spider-Man storylines over the course of its run. I’m excited! My hands are trembling with unbridled joy! I don’t know much about comic books, but I do know enough about Spider-Man to know that I’m looking forward to this journey. I’ll still be snarky, though. Buckle up, here we go.

If you have access to this comic book, feel free to read along with my shitty commentary and immerse yourself in the magic!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [October, 2000]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Powerless”

Did you know that Ralph Macchio is a comic book editor? But not that Ralph Macchio! A different Ralph Macchio! That’s crazy to me.

Hey, hello! Our adventure begins right at the beginning, where the beginning of all great adventures begin! We are treated to a peak into the lab at Osborn Industries, where Harry Osborn’s shitty dad is distracted by a phone call and one of his test subject spiders escapes a container. I WONDER WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT WITH THIS!

Cut to a mall food court, where our hero Mr. Harry-Potter-lookin’ science nerd Peter Parker is sitting alone like a nerd reading nerd chemistry books while every table around him is full of rowdy teenagers whoopin’ it up and harassing him by pelting him with food. Mary Jane, the redhead and not the marijuana wacky tabaccy cigarettes that the kids are into these days, is sympathetic to Parker’s plight.

We get a lot of pages of this abuse from Parker’s high school peers, and it seems that his only friend is Harry Osborn, a jock who only likes Parker because he does his homework for him. But since Parker is wimpy and useless and gets taken advantage of at every turn, he obviously takes what he can get and it ain’t much. It’s revealed during a scene alone with Harry that Peter’s parents died in a plane crash and that his dad was a scientist working on developing an adhesive. I WRITE THIS DOWN HERE BECAUSE IT SEEMS IMPORTANT FOR ME TO REMEMBER LATER.

Parker lives with his Aunt May and Uncle Ben (not the rice guy…unless that will be revealed later!), who are very supportive and a bit overbearing. At least Aunt May is overbearing, Uncle Ben (who looks kinda like Richard Gere with a goddamned ponytail) is less overbearing but still troubled and concerned by Peter’s bullying and antisocial behavior. They help as much as they can, as caring parental figures do, but since Peter is some snot-nosed 15-year-old twerp there’s not really much one can do, now is there?

It’s revealed in another scene that Harry’s dad is a shithead to him. Surprise surprise.

Nerd!

Now we get to the good stuff: Parker’s class is taking a field trip through Osborn’s lab AND THE FUCKING SPIDER BITES HIM! WHAT? HA! That’s funny! What a loser, the hallway is FULL of kids and it happens to bite the nerd that nobody likes! I would like to make a note of this particular occurrence, because it seems to me that this will become very important to the story later on! But what do I know? I can’t stop thinking about Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst! After the spider gnaws on Parker for a bit, he collapses and the next thing he knows he’s on the school bus headed back. Meanwhile, Norman “Funny Bones” Osborne decides that he’s going to keep an eye on Parker for a while, because, you know, grown men love to keep their eyes on teenage boys? He sends his family a fruit basket and picks up the hospital tab.

When Peter Parker, the teenager, finally comes home he heads upstairs to his teenage room and collapses from exhaustion on his teenage bed. Aunt May is concerned, but Uncle Ben basically tells her that he’s just a teenager. That’s what I said too! They discuss the fruit basket and the paid hospital bill, chalk it up to Osborne keeping good faith to avoid getting sued, and decide to move on with their lives. “No. No, it’s back to normal for us.” says Uncle Ben, stupidly. Come on, there are plenty of issues in this comic book series after this, Ben! Aren’t you aware? Or maybe you’ll be dead by, like, Issue #6?

Looks like Dr. Furrowed Brow is looking for a new buddy to get high with!

The next day at school, Parker gets harassed, as usual, by the entire student body and maybe even the teachers too behind his back because he sucks so much. I mean, come on, just look at him. As Kong, one of Midtown High School’s more bald and corpulent bullies, attempts to boot Parker right in the butt, Parker senses this attack spidey-style and flips the motherfucker over right onto his back in the middle of the hallway. Needless to say, this draws a minor amount of attention. Shortly after, Parker has another weird, very public seizure in front of everyone and wakes up in the hospital. The doctor asks him with stern, piercing eyes “Have you been taking any drugs at all? Marijuana?“, and Parker says “Daaaaaaaamn, yo, the fuck is your problem?“. The nurse takes his blood and some Osborne Labs shadow guy literally steals it immediately in front of everyone without being noticed.

Back at Osborne Labs, the analysis of Peter Parker’s blood indicates that the kid is going to die. Fearing that the death of Parker due to the spider bite will be traced back to the lab, Osborne orders a motherfuckin’ assassination on the little punk. The next morning, Shadow Guy attempts to run him down with a car (the loudest and most visible form of assassination) but Parker’s spidey sense alerts him just in time to do a fantastic, majestic, flailing backflip over the car. When Shadow Guy pulls out a gun, Parker runs away. After calling back to Osborne to let him know that he fucking failed at killing a stupid kid, Osborne cancels the hit with the intention to study Parker further.

Parker has panicky fit in his bedroom about the changes that are happening to him. This angst carries over into his interactions with his Aunt and Uncle, who are awfully patient with this twerp and I would’ve smacked him around already with that back-sassin’, sexy mouth of his! Amidst all this, Peter does some super Year 2000 research of his own with respect to Osbrone Labs and spiders in general. We, the readers, are left with quite a cliffhanger of a panel where Peter Parker is hanging from the ceiling just like a spider! What!?! WHAAAAT?! AHHHH! BUH! FUHUBFUB!

Side-splitting comic relief from Zsa Zsa Gabor and her ninth husband.

Final Thoughts

I know this part of the story already! But, hey, since this is Earth-1610 and that’s technically an alternate reality separate from the main Marvel Earth-616 anything could happen, right? This shit is canon but it’s not! I don’t know! The Marvel multiverse has a trillion alternate realities, how the hell am I ever going to know anything about anything?

Anyway, reading comics and writing about them are going to be a nice way to waste the rest of my life. Stay tuned! Much, much, much, much, much, much, much, more is coming. And yes, that’s a threat!