Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.2 – “Learning to Crawl (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, some total fucking nerd named Peter Parker got bitten by a radioactive spider and now he can climb walls and make smartass remarks.

The issue dealt largely with the aftermath of Uncle Ben’s untimely MURDER, but we see a side of the story we haven’t seen before (maybe, what do I know). A teenager named Clayton has been going to every Spider-Man show, and once he learns that Spidey invented his web-shooters he gets motivated to create his own superhero setup. You can call him CLASH, but will he be a hero or a villain?!?! My blood is bubbling with anticipation!

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #1.2 [July, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott
“Learning to Crawl (Part 2)”

“I can already feel it. This is going to be the best day of my life!”

Clayton, as Clash, stands on a roof musing over his new identity. No more “Creepy” Clayton Cole! Now he’s “Creepy” Clash! He gets to choose his identity now, fuckfaces!

Now all he needs is someone to fight! The police band has transmissions about THE VULTURE terrorizing the corner of 52nd and 6th streets. Perfect! Clash bounds over there using his sonic-blast boots! *Superman music plays*

The people on the street watches Clash as he fumbles his way through downtown. “The name’s Clash! Don’t forget it!” he squeaks, floating in the air using his sonic-blast boots! *Batman music plays*

He finds the Vulture and starts trying to lob some insults. “Hey, Bird Brain!” he says, congratulating himself afterward. His quest for the Vulture is cut short with another transmission: Spider-Man breaking into the Baxter Building where the Fantastic Four snort cocaine all day. Huzzah! Even better! Fuck the Vulture and the carrion he rode in on.

We see Spidey leave the Baxter Building through the window, grumbling about being kicked out of the group before even being let into the group. Fantastic my ass. Spidey swoops away before Clash has a chance to gush all over him. Then Clash’s boots start failing and now he’s stuck on top of a billboard. It was fun while it lasted, I guess. Oh well.

Later, Peter Parker is hanging out in the counselor Mr. Flannigan’s office tearing heads off of chipmunks. He is reminded that he can tell Flannigan anything… like… what’s with the black eye, son? Did you fall face first on your dildo again? “I just walked into something,” Parker says, remembering that the Thing punched him right in the face that morning for some reason (probably fell on his dildo).

Trying to beat up the entire Fantastic Four by yourself is totally unchill, bud.

Parker decides to tell Flannigan “the truth”, which amounts to “I’m a nerd and no one likes me”. You got that right, nosepicker.

Eventually, Parker decides that these counseling sessions aren’t half-bad. He says bye to Flannigan and sees Flash Thomspon waiting for his turn. Parker listens as Thompson gets chewed out, all “stay away from Peter Parker and don’t be a mean boy” and “listen to me or I’m kicking you off the team forever and ever”.

Then Flannigan makes Parker and Thomspon shake hands, which they both do with icy grimaces. “We both know I had nothing to do with that black eye, you gutless little liar,” Thompson whispers, pulling Parker close. “The old man might’ve saved you from a pounding or two, but you wait. There’s so many ways I can get you without laying a finger on you.”

Eep! Ulp! That’s some Mean Boy talk! That’s a no-no! MR. FLANNIGAN!!!

Now that Parker’s got a big, fat target on his back, he meekly follows Flannigan down the hall who leads him to the AV room where all the losers hang out. “Pete, say hello to the gang.”

Parker says hi. The mouth-breathers in the room all say hi back. Looks like he found his people! Flannigan shows him a flyer for the science fair. 1st prize is a $10,000 college fund. These days that would buy you room and board for four days, not counting tuition, books, cafeteria passes, and raunchy reading material.

Meanwhile, Clayton shows his parents at home a sonic pulse generator, his own science project for the fair. Make some noise and it stays floating in the air! Sweet stuff, huh? You can use it for sonic-blast boots! *Aquaman music plays?*

Mr. Father-Knows-Best congratulates his son on a science fair slam dunk. He pulls out two crisp $1 bills as a bonus for his allowance. And Clayton knows just how he’s going to spend it…

As Clash, he pesters Maxie Schiffman, who was almost ruined by Spidey and his menacer-ery. “Shoo! Vamoose! I’m not representing any more costume acts!

“You misunderstand me…” responds Clash. “I’m here to hire the Amazing Spider-Man.”

Pfffft. As what? Your call-girl?

Flannigan takes his nerd charges to the local science museum, site of this year’s science fair. The museum is giving them free passes for a week so they can film for the school’s video yearbook. They can snoop around all the exhibits! The dinosaur turd exhibit is only there for a limited time, so jump on that.

What’s not to understand? Spin webs, eat bugs, scare my mom. Bing boom win.

While Parker ambles around the museum, a message comes on over the intercom. Or something. Somehow only Parker can hear it because he listens to it and then leaves the museum immediately through a fucking window. “Meet me on the roof of the Lark Building at ten tonight. It will be very profitable for you!”

Oooh, money? Crisp $1 dollar bills? Who can pass that shit up?

At home, Aunt May watches a special report about “Spider-Man” stealing helicopters, attacking police officers, and peeing on electric fences. The report implies that it was a possible imposter named the Chameleon, but we can’t be too careful, can we? “Oh dear!” says Aunt May like an old, toothless lady.

She hears a thump on the roof. “Peter, is that you?” She begs him to answer because she doesn’t want another gun-toting Second Amendment lunatic exercising his God-given rights all over her face.

It is Parker, who thumped his way back into the house after a long night of Spider-Man-ing. He still has his costume on. May pulls out a key from the year 1530 to open his door, but then thinks better of it and walks away.

Spidey ruminates upon how much of a dang menace everyone thinks he is. This is all J. Jonah Jameson’s fault! Newspaper Hitler turned everyone against him and now he has to sit in his room and sob and mope about it.

“I’m not bad guy here, right? Why don’t people see that? Why won’t anyone stick up for me?!”

Stop sobbing and moping, kiddo. There’s always chess club! Speaking of which, the next day Parker sits at the AV Nerd lunch table. A kid with a laptop reads the latest Spider-Man news article about the Chameleon, Spidey’s alter-ego who may or may not be a cop. Parker folds his arms and says that the Daily Bugle prints all sorts of propaganda and lies. It’s those damn Russians is what it is. Stupid commie rag, I tells ya.

Thomspon agrees. He sides with Spider-Man; calls him the greatest! “And he’s always getting blamed for stuff he didn’t do. Sound familiar, Parker?”

Parker starts wetting his pants and leaves the cafeteria.

Maxie is on TV vouching for Spidey. He also asks Spidey, if he’s listening, to come by the office. He’s got a great gig for him! (falling on dildos)

Don’t write checks your body can’t cash, Maverick.

And come by the office he does. Maxie tells him his client is willing to pay half up front in cash, all he has to do is fight a private match, one-on-one, one hour, and take the fall. Spidey is suspicious of the “private” part. What’s next? Birthday parties? Ha! Bar mitzvahs?? Ha ha!

But Spidey takes the job anyway because he’s poor and needs to buy Aunt May’s Fixodent.

Clash has two cameras set up on two rooftops. A sensational publicity stunt awaits! Spidey says this sounds like crazy muthafucka talk, but Clash assures him that this is legit for his web-channel. “You gave me your first autograph. I’m the guy who put the footage of your Crusher Hogan fight online. I helped you go viral–”

Spidey doesn’t give a shit. “Do you have my money?”

They fight majestically for a while until Spider gets bored and zaps him with webs. “We’re done!” Spidey says. The kid gives him the creeps, frankly, and he’s not here for it anymore. He swings away leaving Clash stuck to the roof.

“B-but I’m supposed to win,” Clayton whines. Never meet your heroes, kid. Now Spidey has full-on created an enemy even though, later, Spidey feels like he was a jerk. He was just blowing off a little steam and stress out on Clash! School, Chameleon, the AV club smells like bacon bits, and there’s still the matter of Aunt’s May’s denture stuff. Gaahhh!

The next day, Parker makes it clear to Flannigan that Thompson never beat his ass. Not yet, anyway. He apologizes to Thompson, and so does Flannigan. Everyone kisses.

Flannigan gets mad at Parker, though. How’s he supposed to trust him now? Huh? *throws a mug at Parker’s head*

We end with Aunt May breaking into Parker’s room while he’s out cavorting.

Dead bodies and lube? OH, PETER!

Final Thoughts

Peter Parker is going to get the spanking of a lifetime! He’s going to give Aunt May a heart attack, then he’ll be orphaned and living in the system getting his ass kicked until he’s 18 years old. Then he’ll be living under an overpass with track marks in both arms, passed out and drooling wearing a rope for a belt on his sweatpants.