Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #5! In the previous installment, Spider-Man busts Cindy Moon outta da joint because some dick sucker named Morlun is “dead” (but he really isn’t), and him being alive is why Cindy needed to stay in the bunker in the first place for reasons that are not entirely clear. Anyway, they’re going to be screwed.

And by that I mean they’re literally going to be screwed because the issue ends with the suggestion that they’re going to fuck each other. And they will, trust me. I’ve seen the nudes.

Meanwhile, Black Cat is hellbent on fucking up Parker’s life so she kidnaps Sajani so she can explain all the tech that Black Cat will steal from the company.

Electro? Who cares.

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [October, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott

In a secret gambling hole called the Slide-a-Way, some nerd named The Eel is squeezing himself into his costume. Everything had better go to plan tonight or it’ll be curtains, see? Curtains.

Plans have already been thwarted before I even get a handle on what’s going on here. Black Cat shows up suddenly to go “Hey, Eel! Slither and squelch yourself away before you get a fist through your anus and up into your ass!”

The Eel is unphased. He knows that Spider-Man stole everything she had: her money, her pride, her dignity, her virginity. “Now me,” he continues. “I made sumthin’ of myself. Worked my way up the Maggia, from thug to proper mob boss. I got real power in the underworld now! I got juice!”

I’ve got your juice right here, buddy. *pours a delicious glass of Ocean Spray Cran-Apple*

Well, guess what Eely? Black Cat is a thief and she’s going to steal your thunder! How does that grab ya? And, coincidentally, she’s got a thunder man by her side. The thugs know him as Electro. He’s going to shoot lightning at them. Any second now…

The Eel is freaking the fuck out in the meantime. Electro is dangerous! Outta control! Get this guy the fuck out of here before he zaps a bitch!

Here we go! Electro is going to zap some bitches! Black Cat’s taking back her city!

Elsewhere, Spider-Man and Silk are tongue-rasslin’ like a couple of horny-ass teenagers. Spider-Man’s shirt is off, and he’s so ripped that even his muscles have muscles. They’re both basically trying to chew each other’s mouths off. Spidey worries about his mask slipping off, but Silk already knows who he is. She even calls him “Peter” to prove it! Instead of, you know, Mel. Or Elton John.

AHHH!! DON’T LOOK AT ME!! NOT PETERING OR PARKERING HERE!! HEH HEH!! HELP!!

Spidey is so spooked by this that his boner turns itself inward into his body. “You know my secret identity?!” he shrieks, curling up into a fetal position. Silk finds this withering, pulpy mess of a man a real turn-off. She looks pissed. But they both regain their senses and decide that being bitten by the same spider has caused this primal, carnal connection. Or maybe it’s simply because they’re both hot and they both wanted to bone? I mean, why aren’t we considering that hypothesis?

Now that we’re thoroughly un-horny, Spidey decides that maybe Morlun isn’t dead and maybe Silk should go back in her bunker. Silk says no dice to that shiz. She’s had a taste of the outside again. She’s never going back in there.

Meanwhile, at the Fact Channel studio, J. Jonah Jameson tries to throw his weight around, but he doesn’t have much weight to throw around. Not really. His team tells him he’s getting bumped from the first segment due to a “conflict of interest”. They’re going to interview a head of Parker Industries, whose CEO (Peter Parker) is apparently Jameson’s stepbrother (whut). So but that in your oversized pipe and smoke it.

The producers are confused that the person they’ll be interviewing hasn’t shown up yet. It appears that Sajani is TIED UP at the moment. Handcuffed, actually, but drinking champagne in a nice room in the company of Mr. Electro Magoo. “Always thought when super villains abduct you they take you to an abandoned warehouse in the bad part of town,” Sajani says with little-to-no panic in her voice. This ain’t her first rodeo.

Hey, that’s Mr. Ms. Skanky Leather Queen to you.

Sajani lets it slip that the company is pooling a lot of resources into finding a cure for Electro, which he was not expecting hear whatsoever. And by “lets it slip” I mean “mentions it brazenly”. She wants more champagne and she’s not going to let some Electric Asshole ruin her good time.

At an actual abandoned warehouse in an actual bad part of town, a gathering of the Ugly Bad Guys eagerly waits for the arrival of The Eel. One guy is Mr. Negative. The other guy is the Goblin King. And they both have their cronies behind them ready to tear into the other faction if necessary. And it certainly will be in due time, friends. In due time.

The two of them, plus the Eel, plan on taking over New York and controlling 1/3 of it each! But if the Eel doesn’t show up, then it’s *math math math math math* 1/2 each. Dig?

The Eel makes a grand entrance in the form of crashing through the roof and landing on the table, splintering it into 40,000 pieces. Mr. Negative yawns and tells the Black Cat lady, who is responsible for this rude break-in, that she has not been invited.

Don’t worry, all it takes are a few choice sentences to convince both Mr. Negative and the Goblin King to join forces with her in eliminating Spider-Man. He has wronged all of them and stolen their comic books so it’s only fair to murder him in the face as soon as possible.

Anna Maria Marconi returns to the apartment to find Peter Parker and Cindy Moon fucking on the ceiling. It’s not a pretty sight, but Marconi seems sufficiently nonplussed. Cindy apologizes and tells Marconi that their lustiness is a result of their spidery connection and that she shouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

OK, we were Binging. Is that better?

Marconi, of course, is perturbed that this floozy showed up out of nowhere to get boned by her sorta boyfriend. Parker claims that he’s just helping her find her lost family, but penises in vaginas don’t usually help with that.

Whatever! Doesn’t matter! The important thing right now is that Sajani is supposed to be on the news tonight on behalf of the company and no one knows where she is! So that means Parker will need to go in her stead! Now. Now now now. Get a move on, boss. Wear something fancy. No water-spraying boutonnieres.

Parker puts on his fancy suit. Cindy puts on a fancy sweater with her fancy flip-flops for moral support. J. Jonah Jameson will not be conducting the interview for, like, stepbrother reasons I guess.

Parker gives his bro a hug. Jameson doesn’t necessarily reciprocate in kind, but he excitedly tells Parker that he’s going to use his new platform to go after Spider-Man! Just like old times!

So Parker gets on TV with his award-winning smile and charming good looks to announce that his company wants to help design a state-of-the-art advanced super-villain prison! And furthermore, no recess for the inmates and there will be plenty of lockdowns. No last meals on death row for sure. And–

Off-stage Cindy tries to get Peter’s attention. Their senses are tingling! Some guy in a hoodie with electric eyes is walking on the premises. Black Cat is there, too. These two just won’t give up, will they? It’s quite annoying, actually.

He’s ghosting me on my texts. What more do you want from me?

Black Cat interrupts the broadcast and announces that she wants Spider-Man forthwith. “And if he doesn’t show in the next 15 minutes, his good friend Peter Parker is as good as dead.”

Electro wasn’t privy to this dumbshit plan. “That’s crazy! How do you know just Spider-Man’ll show up? What if he brings the Avengers with him?!” And, to this, Black Cat tells Electro to STFU. 14 more minutes.

THWIP THWIP THWIP. Dainty little webs hit the wall behind the both of them. So, Electro was wrong. Spider-Man ain’t showing up. But who’s this broad with the bra made out of webbing? Madonna?

Parker takes this moment to go “whoops my glasses!” and ducks under the table. Black Cat and Electro are pretty perturbed that there’s another Spider-Person that they now have to deal with. Before you know it, Spider-Man enters the scene and introduces his sidekick as Spinning Jenny, which is actually very clever and Silk should have stuck with it. Black Cat is pleased that Spider-Man had the balls to show up. Fantastic! Time to squish the spider!

Spider-Man tries to do the whole “what’s gotten into you, Black Cat, my droog?” but Black Cat is too beyond pissed to indulge. Spidey ruined her life! Don’t you get it?

Meanwhile, Jameson is yelling at his crew to keep filming. This is live TV gold! An exclusive! So what if everyone will die? That’s the price to pay for good news.

Black Cat takes a swipe at Spidey; asks him if he’s still sticking to the “brain swap” malarkey. Spidey is like “yeah.” And then he confirms this on TV as truth, which makes Jameson all purple and mad.

Eventually, amidst all the room’s electricity, Spidey gets zapped. My dude cramps up and falls down to the floor. Black Cat nuzzles the poor sucker and gets ready to unmask the Spider on live TV.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have, in fact, pooped myself!

You can start to see Parker’s hair. Black Cat is really gonna do it! She’s really gonna do it!

Spider-Man is truly and really, no joke, with absolutely no chance of it not happening, going to get hella doxxed on TV!

I’m serious! It’s going to happen!

Final Thoughts

Oh no! An unmasking on live television! It will be enough to make Peter Parker blow his brains out with a shotgun Kurt Cobain-style! On live television! Splattering J. Jonah Jameson with blood and guts that he won’t be able to wash out of his clothes and skin for days! Then the Fact Channel building implodes! Then the world disintegrates into a pile of poop and cum!

I guess the bottom line here is that Issue #6 is going to be pretty fun!