Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: The Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #6! In the previous installment, Spider-Man is going to get unmasked on live TV, and J. Jonah Jameson is here for it!

The boner would be straining through his pants if it wasn’t two inches long. Dude is definitely compensating is all I’m saying.

Amazing Spider-Man (Vol. 3), Issue #6 [November, 2014]
Written by: Dan Slott

Jameson is grinning like a mad baboon. Anna Maria Marconi is at home watching TV going “oh dear”. Aunt May is at home watching TV going “oh dear”. Everyone at the Daily Bugle is watching TV going “fuck that Jameson guy, I’m glad we finally took the 45 sexual harassment complaints seriously and booted his ass out of here”.

What’s happening, though, is that Jameson is right in front of the shot. Everyone – all the home viewers – are wondering why the fuck he won’t get out of the way. Spider-Man is, indeed, thoroughly unmasked, but no one can see him. No one in the studio can either, apparently, because of shadows? Maybe?

Silk saves Spidey’s identity by thwipping gooey web cum all over his face. Jameson is done with his showboating and asks if the cameraman got the shot of unmasked Spidey. After a meek “nope”, Jameson belts out a hearty “NOOOOOOO!” and that’s a wrap, folks!

Black Cat is livid! “Cheer up,” says Silk. “He’s an average-looking white guy with brown hair. Sure you’ll find another. Must be millions of ‘em in New York.”

Silk then picks Spidey up by his butt and swings on out of there before Black Cat or Electro can stop her. Parker later compliments her on her first supervillain encounter. Not too shabby! Next time be quippier, like “that’s gotta hurt!” or “ramalama ding dong!”

Black Cat and Electro watch, dejected. So Spidey’s got some extra muscle? Maybe some extra muscle is what they need, too…

I’ll get you next time, Gadget! Next time!

The Bar with No Name (catchy!), where all of New York’s finest supervillains rub elbows and snack on Cheez Whiz crackers, contains a bunch of ne’er-do-wells toasting someone named Francine. I don’t know who Francine is, but it’s an ugly name and if you’re named Francine then get the hell off my blog and into a dumpster where you belong.

Black Cat enters the bar, but she’s not welcome there. She’s looking for a few burly big men to join her crew, but they don’t wanna. Mostly it’s because she’s currently working with Electro, and he’s the one that killed Francine to death. Oh yeah! I remember now! She was the Hot Topic trash fire from Issue #2. RIP.

Also, Parker Industries is going to help build the biggest supervillain prison the city has ever known! All because of Electro’s wack-ass nonsense! So shove it, lady.

We now turn to the Apartment of Peter and Marconi (bone buddies? You decide!) Parker’s face is still covered with wet jizz. Maria brings solvents and towels. First he webbed up his butt, now he webbed up his head. What’s next?? Let your imagination run wild.

They’ve got to hurry getting all that web junk off of him since he’s giving a presentation on his big, new Electro trap that his company has been working on. Sajani was going to do it, but she’s… uh… ahem… TIED UP at the moment. As they say. And Silk wants to tag along, so the more the merrier!

Speaking of Sajani, who is tired up at the moment, we return to Electro and Black Cat’s lair where Electro is hammering Sajani for information about the Electro trap. Will it cure? Answer the question, ho! He doesn’t want to accidentally kill anyone anymore, please.

Or, at the very least, make you into some sort of horrible shrieking rhinoceros, if you prefer.

Sajani looks like she’s ready to say anything she can that will appease the scary sparking man, but luckily Black Cat interrupts and calls Electro into the other room. Now it’s just Sajani and Black Cat! Unluckily for you, sister, that might be even more dangerous. So cough up the details on this Anti-Electro bullshit invention. We’re going to need it before the storyline is over!

Meanwhile, Parker is giving his presentation to the cops at the waterfront and it sounds like it’s not going well. The machine costs a fortune, it only works on Electro, and you have to catch him first and, kinda… you gotta kinda coax him into the machine, you know? Give him a little nudgy nudgy. Little do they suspect that Black Cat and Electro are at the waterfront now on account of Sajani spilling the beans all over the place. They’re in shitty disguises that wouldn’t even fool the most intrepid of Mr. Magoos.

Black Cat knows everything about the machine. How to turn it on (on switch), how to turn it off (off switch), and even how to put the machine in reverse (hit it with a bat).

After sensing Black Cat and Electro, Parker and Cindy suit up! Marconi thinks it’s rude to just leave her, but whatever. Superheroes are so selfish. Not only that, but Parker orders Marconi to carry out the demonstration! Have fun, toots!

Silk gets impatient waiting for Parker to squeeze into his Spidey tighties. She decides that Spidey needs some extra unmasking protection and spooges all over him again. Seems kind of unnecessary, but I don’t want to ruin anyone’s sexy good time.

Money shots all around!

The 2’11” Anna Maria Marconi strolls onto the premises and declares the demonstration cancelled. Everyone from the scientists to the police personnel is pissed, but the short lady doesn’t give a shit.

A Fact Channel helicopter hovers over the site, looking to get some tasty scoops on the secret Parker Industries project. Electro and Black Cat get perturbed, and Black Cat maintains the attention on herself. “Over here! We’re about to start!” she says as Marconi complains. The demonstration will continue whether anyone likes it or not! “We’re going to show you what these toys can do in the wrong hands. How they can amp up our powers like never before!”

Sounds peachy, you horrible bad guy you. Too bad the good guys with the webs and the quips are showing up to put a stop to it. Electro tries to spark them, but the webbing is an insulator! Silk gets to cum all over Electro while Spidey takes care of Black Cat.

Panels are replete with blue and white electrification zappy goodness. This is because Black Cat decided to crank up the anti-Electro machine and fuck up his powers to the point where he’s going to explode into a pile of gore and piss pretty soon. Electro is less than pleased with this uncomfortable situation. “Cat! Stop it! Tearing me apart! Into a billion pieces! It’s killing me! It’s — AAARHHH!

Spider-Man almost starts crying! This isn’t like Black Cat! Black Cat isn’t some ruthless torture-murder type person. Black Cat begs to differ, and this is her experiment now, bitch. Step aside or attempt to fight, either is good for her. Maybe we can finally prove who’s in the noggin’ of yours: Spider-Man or Doc Ock.

Electro! Buddy! I love you and I’m going to save you for some reason!

So Spider-Man decides to jump into the fire (or the electricity) and grab Electro’s fizzling, sparking body. Silk’s insulation should work, right? Hopefully? Wouldn’t that be just convenient as all hell?

The Fact Channel helicopter is thrilled to be catching everything on tape. J. Jonah Jameson will positively orgasm with delight over all of this!

Spider-Man suddenly realizes his whole jump-on-top-of-Electro plan was stupid. Electro’s going to break apart into millions of pieces anyway. Spidey’s gonna get fried to kingdom come. And too bad Black Cat has really fallen ass over ankles into the dark side. She’s not going to stop a thing, especially because she’s super salty that Spider-Man ruined her shitty life. A Spidey murder will help her start fresh! That’s the ticket!

At the last second before the sweet, sweet oblivion of death, Silk thwips a couple of webs on the dying duo and plucks them out of harm’s way. Spidey instructs her to fashion up a webpod so they can escape web-style, but Silk has one lingering question amidst all the chaos: “Why’d you risk everything for one of your worst enemies?”

Well, dear, it’s very simple. Spider-Man is a moron. i.e. with great power comes great responsibility. It’s a very moral high ground. It sickens me.

Silk whips up a cozy web blanket fort for the three of them. They’ll leave Black Cat out to continue creating electricity or whatever it is that she wants to do with her time. Later, the news stories report an enormous explosion leaving nothing behind except a spider man, a spider woman, a de-powered Electro, and no Black Cat. Oh yeah, everyone else on the premises was shuffled off to safety by Marconi.

Jameson yells at the camera: “Police Chief Pratchett lays the blame on the poor security provided by Parker Industries. But this reporter knows different! This is all the fault of that masked menace some men called The Amazing Spider-Man!”

While Jameson rants to deaf ears, Cindy Moon shows up to get a job at Fact Channel! It’s about time you contribute to society, young lady. None of this trapped in a bunker business for you anymore, damnit.

At a secret gambling parlor on the Lower East Side, Black Cat returns with a smirky “I told ya so”, and all the awful villainous men in the joint are like “hey, you’re pretty cool after all!” Black Cat has amassed a small army, and no one’s gonna stop her now!

Sajani breaks out of her cuffs and returns to society.

Who are you again?

Marconi tends to Parker’s burn wounds. None of this was worth it, she argues. Black Cat is still on the prowl. The whole city is mad at them. This Morlun guy who everyone forgot about might show up to kill people any minute. “What’s the win here, Pete?”

Parker smiles. They fixed Electro! *crickets*

No one died! *crickets*

Whatever. Marconi finds this rather noble. Parker was sexier when he was Doc Ock, but I guess they can still be friends, right?

Sajani returns to the office to tell her story. She had to give up the goods: “Info on tonight’s test. Where we were conducting it. Schematics of the device. I’m sorry.”

You better be sorry, buster. Consider yourself fired and destined for Hell. Marconi calls Sajani lucky for getting out alive. Sajani has nagging feelings about everything…

A flashback shows the following: Sajani would have said everything to get out of her predicament. “My partner’s an idiot,” she told Black Cat. “Building traps for supervillains? Know the profit margin on that? Worst business model ever. Listen up, I’ll tell you exactly how to destroy it.”

Later, Sajani whispers to Marconi that she’s going to need backup to thwart Parker’s shitty future plans. Can she be counted on?

And Parker thinks everything is gravy and roses. He’s got resources, a company, and good friends on his side! He’s gonna stop all kinds of baddies! “I can feel it. We’re gonna change the world! This is going to work!”

Final Thoughts

Well, that certainly was an ending! Little Peter Parker is going to get a rude awakening when literally everyone he knows is completely against his plans!

Except for Cindy Moon, of course, but she’ll be too busy Fact Channeling his failures that she won’t have time to actually help him with anything.

Delicious.