Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #3 – “Batman and the Monster Men (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, a dismembered woman’s corpse is discovered outside the sewer, and Batman does a little explorin’ to find the source. Every night Bruce Wayne makes plans with Julie, and every night he breaks them, forcing Norman Madison to believe that the millionaire playboy is sticking his dick into other ladyfriends. Speaking of Norman, he gets a loan from Maroni again and he’s not going to be able to pay him back, methinks.

Hugo Strange has stolen a drooling vegetable from Arkham Asylum and created a Monster Man out of him! He uses his new friend to bust up Maroni’s card game downtown, so let’s rejoin the action, shall we?

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #3 [February, 2006]
Written by: Matt Wagner
“Batman and the Monster Men (Part 3)”

Cover art shows Batman in prison. Maybe Bruce Wayne embezzled his millions? Or maybe Batman stepped on all the wrong necks.

Our (Bat)man of the hour investigates the busted-up poker game. Not only is there BEER spilled on the CARDS, but there are very deep gouges in the carpet that could only come from talon marks.

Oh yeah, there’s a bunch of dead people in the room, too. Dismembered bodies and sad, dead faces. Batman frowns pensively. “This was no massacre. It was a feeding frenzy.”

Batman was supposed to shake down Richie, Maroni’s enforcer. But someone beat him to it. Someone Monstrous and Manly. He finds another tuft of hair near one of the bodies and then calls up Jimmy Jam Gordon to relay the news.

Elsewhere, Hugo Strange stands across from Maroni’s desk. Two fat stacks of bills sit in front of him, and Maroni is impressed! Repayment so quickly! He thought it was going to be at least seventeen years and two broken elbows later! “So…where’d you find this sudden windfall?” he asks. But all Strange wants to talk about is Richie Pantone. Richie this and Richie that. He was expecting Richie to show up to collect the money from him, but he never showed up! That’s why Strange is doing it in person. Maroni finds these details bo-o-o-o-o-ring and becomes quite suspicious of the little, bald, bespectacled man. Why wouldn’t he be? The little turd keeps deflecting the question.

“All that need concern you is the fact that my initial obligations have been met.” Strange dons his stylish hat and winks at the camera. “Exactly how I manage to do that is my business.” Maroni finds this reasonable enough, and Strange takes his leave. This meeting really encroached upon his jerking-off time, so he’ll get right back to it.

Long story short, I sold my supple body out on the streets. Are you happy?

“Maroni has a notorious temper,” Batman says as he scales a tall-ass building. “It’s rumored he once killed a man with a ball-peen hammer simply for splashing mud on his new Italian loafers.” Yeah, and that man’s name was Macaulay Culkin. Batman spies on an associate entering Maroni’s building, and it’s not the usual flavor. Time to investigate further! *Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass* *takes photo of license plate on car* *eats photo*

Later, while Maroni tosses and turns in his bed, Batman pays him a little 3am visit. It’s “wakey wakey sleepyhead” for about three seconds before Batman grabs his throat and demands to know who was responsible for the Card Game Massacre of 1987. “Geez! Wish I knew! I’d dance on his face with an ice pick! There’s no reason. No motive…”

But wait, sir! The money! Card games have money and people like stealing money. You fucking idiot. Once it clicks, Maroni gets mad. “Strange!” he yells. And Batman misunderstands. “What is strange?” he says. And to this, Maroni’s like “uhhhh, heh heh, uhh, ‘strange’ that he didn’t think of it sooner.”

Batman eyes the guy with his stony stare, but realizes that Maroni indeed has no goddamned idea that it was going to happen. He thought it was some turf war shit. “…I mean, what kinda animal tears up people like that over money? Geez, they said Richie’s entire stomach was ripped out!”

Satisfied, Batman leaves out the window and warns Maroni to watch his nuts. The license plate is from a car that belongs to Hugo Strange, some little asswipe who was raised in an orphanage near Crime Alley and got his tenure suspended at Gotham State University. Sounds like a real winner.

Are you sure? Because I don’t recall her figuring out a single thing. She can’t even figure out her shoelaces.

Alfred comes down to the Batcave and hollers and spits at Bruce to go to bed today. Maybe. A lunch date with Julie scheduled the next day pushes Bruce to grab some shuteye. Maybe five or ten minutes will suffice.

Meanwhile, Hugo “Hershey Squirts” Strange notices his associate Sanjay bolting out of a holding cell. He yells for Strange to seal the door behind him. The Monster Men are getting monsterier, that’s for sure. “They’ve developed a taste for human flesh,” Strange says, narrowing his eyes. “Sadly, I don’t know how much longer we can maintain our menagerie.”

Norman Madison sits in his lavish 79 billion dollar office where a couple of Maroni’s men strongarm their way inside. Maroni’s on “vacation”. Out of town, see? Gotta deal with them now, and they might be as reasonable as the Big Guy, you dig?

Well, Norman doesn’t appreciate the intimidation tactics. If Maroni wants to speak with him, he’ll contact Maroni himself. In the meantime, all debts will be fucking paid. So lay off, you jive turkeys!

One of Maroni’s men punches a picture of Julie and throws it back on Norman’s desk. He looks mortified. “Your first payment is due on Monday. So take your exclusive attitude and stick it in your… bank! We’ll see you then… ‘Daddy.’”

And the Daddy Daughter is going to get boned by Bruce later that evening! Right now, their lunch date is going swimmingly. And by “swimmingly” I mean “Bruce is ignoring everything Julie is saying.” He’s such an enigma, this one. Good thing Julie is sharp and perceptive!

My vast collection of butt plugs has been filched!

“Sorry, Julie,” Bruce says, apologizing for his preoccupied existence. “There’s a… business problem that’s got me troubled. Something that’s deadly serious.” Oh yeah, what’s that? Someone added too many zeros at the end of a giant novelty check for the St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital? Screw those kids!

Julie delights in an idea! She’ll distract him! Let’s do something fun this evening! There are plenty of orifices we haven’t tried yet!

…he tells her that he can’t be with her tonight. Sorry, baby. A night with Bruce is hard to come by for anyone. The Lure of the Bat is just too strong. He offers Julie a ride back to her father’s penthouse, but the grumpy lady says she’ll just walk. Bruce zooms away without another thought. “Sometimes… he just seems like two completely different people,” Julie says both sharply and perceptively.

“Insurance records list Strange’s address as a long-empty warehouse near the docks,” Batman says as he descends toward the long-empty warehouse near the docks. The warehouse is outfitted with many security systems. “What is he hiding?” Batman thinks, suspicious of the many security systems. You don’t need many security systems unless you’re hiding something! This much I know.

Batman finds four stasis tubes containing hapless Monstery Men-looking individuals. “Freeze, sucka!” says Strange with a gun. Actually, he says “Stand where you are” because he’s white and lame. “Who are you?! What are you doing in here? Did Maroni send you?”

In a fraction of a second, Batman turns around, traverses 70 feet across the room, and punches the glasses right off Strange’s face.

Say hello to Mr. Fist and his companion, Mr. Other Fist!

Strange is floored, literally, by how fast the bat was just then! He was like WHOOSH, so fast! When Batman steps into the light, Strange beholds the majestic creature before him! “He is… most impressive. Powerful, swift, and frightening. His every movement so deliberate and sure.”

Love at first sight! Batman picks the dork up by the shirt and asks who those men in the tubes are. They’re merely volunteer test subjects, my boy! Normal sleep experiments and also everything here is nice and legal! Batman catches on that the man is trying to distract him while Strange’s associate Sanjay prepares a blow dart in the shadows. Strange gets his far as telling Batman the experiments are related to genetic transformation when Batman gets a dart in the neck. Then Sanjay whips him with a metal chain. A small fight ensures, but Sanjay overpowers Batman, wraps the chain around his neck, and throws him into the holding cell.

Batman recognizes the smell of the room. It’s the same smell that lingered in the poker game room. The rancid smell of… MONSTER MEN!

Three giants the size of giants loom over Batman, who poops fetidly in his jockey shorts.

Final Thoughts

See, I don’t care if Batman lives or dies! So this cliffhanger is absolutely meaningless to me! In fact, I hope he gets gutted by monster man. Or a monster ham! That sounds delicious.