Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #10 – “Chapter Ten: Independence Day”! In the previous installment, Bruce cries about his dead dad while reminiscing about how he saved Carmine Falcone’s life once. Maroni’s dad gets shot right in front of him by Holiday, no now it’s truly personal. Maroni enlists Harvey Dent’s help in evening the score against Falcone…

WHO IS HOLIDAY?! Is it Bruce Wayne? That would be hilarious!

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #10 [September, 1997]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter Ten: Independence Day”

Someone dies right away in Issue #10. Some fat, frowny guy from the Gotham City Coroner. We’ll catch up with his dead ass later. Right now we get to see Bruce Wayne hang out with Selina Kyle at Wayne Manor on the Fourth of July (boring, that sounds boring).

He wonders why he still considers it his father’s house when he has lived there just as long as he had. Selina asks him why he stays in Gotham City. And he’s like “I left but I came back because I wanted to”. Selina wants to know why, in spite of everything lately — Poison Ivy, the Attorney General up his ass, the various holidays that remind him that his (dead) parents are dead – why the fuck he’s sticking around now? Why? Why? Why?

Because he’s Batman, you bonehead. Don’t you recognize the lower half of his face? Jesus.

Selina Kyle seduces him, tells him that she knows places that they could go together. *winky winky* They kiss, then that Batsignal shines in the sky. I can hear him groaning from here, pants tight with his 1.5” erection, having to leave to go see…

…Harvey Dent. He’s the Batsignal man today, and he needs to talk tout suite. “Remember the deal we made?” Dent asks, flipping a coin over and over again on his thumb deftly. “You. Me. Jim Gordon. Right here. To bring down the Roman.”

Oh he remembers, all right. You don’t forget something like that!

Bruce gave me a wedgie then kicked me down an elevator shaft from the 45th floor of Gotham Tower. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Harvey Dent says that Maroni’s gonna testify against Falcone. After that, things will cool down. Dent’s gonna leave the city for a while afterward. Take some time off. Ditch his smelly wife and go see Mickey Mouse.

But there’s still some business to attend to, unfortunately, because buzzkill Jim Gordon shows up to the roof to let the two of them know that Holiday has claimed yet another victim. This time a civilian down at the docks. Let’s go take a look! Maybe we can poke the corpse with a stick!

Salvatore Maroni is currently rotting behind bars. He has a visitor: some nerd named Vernon. We remember Vernon, right? Harvey Dent’s assistant. Mr. Maroni’s “friend”. Also, Sofia Falcone is there to talk to him too. Catch up on some old business. Vernon, am-scray. Go fondle a dildo somewhere else, boy.

“I went to prison for you, Sal,” Sofia glares. “I didn’t squawk. I didn’t ask for anything in return. But, when the police came for me, I didn’t name you.” And Maroni doesn’t care about that right now. He’s looking after Numero Uno right now.

Then she says she missed him.

Then they kiss through the bars.

And I’m vomiting right now.

Disgusting.

“Poppa knows it was Dent who got you into this mess,” she says, love in her tender little eyeballs. “Without Dent, everybody lays off. I know you’ll do the right thing, Sal…”

Back at Casa de Gordon, Gilda Dent frowns sullenly over a cup of coffee. She asks Barbara Gordon why they stay in Gotham City. It fucks everyone up irrevocably. And it’s like, duh lady, Jim is a police captain. They can’t just leave. Plus, a baby and such. Gilda continues looking forlorn.

“When Harvey first started at the District Attorney’s office – they used to call him ‘Apollo’ — the Golden Boy. He was so handsome. He could do no wrong. But every day. This ‘Roman’ case. It’s like it’s eating him from the inside out. He’s… changing.”

OK, Dramatic Debbie. Take a chill pill. Harvey’s juuuuuust fine. See? *watches Harvey explode into 17,000 pieces*

Jim Gordon shows his friends the murder scene at the docks. The murder was at point-blank range. Holiday can get close to his/her victims… he/she knows them… caresses them… “I’ve seen you get close without anybody noticing,” Gordon says, shooting daggers at the stern-faced Batman. Batman just silently scowls at Gordon with a “fuck you, buddy” demeanor.

I got pretty close to your mother last night without you noticing, asshole.

Meanwhile, Catwoman skulks at the docks…

Gordon asks Batman why the coroner got got. He has no connection to the Falcone family, right? Batman thinks that Harvey Dent might be connection. Where was he at the time of the killing? Enjoying a TV dinner? Not bloody likely!

The two of them see fireworks in the sky, which is weird because the city already shot off all their fireworks. Batman finds this alarming and disappears swiftly, leaving Gordon going “buh?” in the night.

At the Gotham Bank Depository, a couple of guards get obliterated with a rogue firework. This seems important. Moving on!

A lot going on in this issue! We now find the Scarecrow and his Mad Hatter buddy on a horse and carriage full of sacks of money. Mad Hatter sPeAks iN HiS oNlinE wAy about the Walrus and the Carpenter. Scarecrow humors him for some reason even though hanging out with a crazy guy doesn’t seem very fun to me.

AND THEN SUDDENLY BATMAN DESCENDS FROM THE SKY BLAHRBAHRAHABRLHB. He says stuff like “you’re not stealing the money today!” and “get your flabby asses back to Arkham Asylum!” Batman figures out they’re working for the Roman.

“During the escape, I inhaled some of the Scarecrow’s fear gas,” Batman thinks, addled as all get-out. “My mind was violated. “My childhood fears of my parents’ murders overcame me. I try not to enjoy breaking Crane’s [Scarecrow’s] ribs.”

Man, does Scarecrow get hella punched! Right in the breadbasket! “Ouch” he says, probably. Mad Hatter draws out a double-barreled pistol and aims at Batman’s fat head. He starts shooting willy-nilly, missing everything.

AND THEN SUDDENLY CATWOMAN DESCENDS FROM THE SKY BLAHRBAHRAHABRLHB and lands on the Mad Hatter’s head. Batman looks at her in a disgruntled manner. “You’ve been following me. At the police headquarters. On the docks.” Catwoman deflects. “I like all this money that’s just sitting there,” she smiles smugly. Purringly.

“The Roman orchestrated all of this. Do you want to help?”

“That’s not what I had in mind. Your loss.”

Then she prances away, leaving Batman alone with a grumbling pair of insane sad-sacks.

Final Thoughts

Catwoman sucks. Someone should blow her ass up with fireworks.