Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #612 – “Chapter 5: The Battle”! In the previous installment, Bruce cavorts around Metropolis, flirts with Lois Lane, draws Clark Kent’s ire, and finds Poison Ivy with Catwoman’s help. Batman is all like “YOU’RE GOING BACK TO GOTHAM CITY, BABY DOLL,” but Poison Ivy has an ace up her very green sleeves.

It’s Superman. Except it looks like Bad Superman. And even though all Supermen are bad, this one seems bad in a bad way. If you follow my drift. Poison Ivy has made him bad with her ivy-ness, and it’s going to be epic, bro! EPIC!

zzzzzzz

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #612 [April, 2003]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter 5: The Battle”

Look at that cover! You’re just going to let Superman wring your puny neck with one muscular hand? The one he jerks off with? Get up and fight like a man!

Batman reiterates that he hates Metropolis. He’d much, much rather go back to Gotham where the bad guys are just extremely dangerous criminals who escaped from the insane asylum instead of weird aliens and monsters and people named Gary Busey.

Poison Ivy has taken control of Superman, as I had previous established if you fucking read anything I write. She orders him to kill Batman and Catwoman, of which he obliges happily. Catwoman asks nervously if Batman has a plan, and this buttfucker always has a plan.

“We’ve got seconds before he realizes we’re not going to stand and fight,” Batman thinks as he and Catwoman run away from Superman’s Super-Laser Eyeballs X-Treme! They plunge into a crater full of water, prompting Ivy to scream “They’re getting away! NO!”

Catwoman panics because, you know, cats hate water. Batman carries her ass through the water. Even though they obviously jumped into a closed crater full of water, they swim anyway to a large sewer pipe. He pops on an air mask, making sure to give Catwoman one too I guess as they swim to “safety”.

“Poison Ivy used Catwoman in those Gotham City crimes. She felt violated being controlled by Ivy. It’s made the hunt personal for Selina.”

If she’s anything like me, then it’s going to be an Xbox Spring Sale!

Superman is deemed useless because he couldn’t kill a couple of mopes, and when he tells her that he can’t kill – he won’t kill – he shan’t kill – Ivy calls him a useless man who can’t follow any damn orders. So we’re going to try again, and this time don’t be stingy with the maiming!

Batman and Catwoman finding themselves running through some underground LexCorp corridors. A lead-lined sewer system, so don’t stick around too long or you’ll be poisoned as the dickens. After encountering a fork in the road, they both chat a bit before splitting off. Oh yeah, and they kiss too, because gross. Anyway, Catwoman takes her leave and Batman takes exactly 1/64th of a step before Superman crashes through the wall and into the corridor. He’s got Ivy vines wrapped around him! He’s still compromised!

Batman remembers what Tommy Elliot said to him once while playing their Stratego-type game: “If you want to beat your opponent, Bruce, you have to think like your opponent.” Unluckily for Bruce, Superman never thinks! So it’s a loss.

Superman gets punched in the face, which actually affects him! What! “If Clark wanted to, he could use his superspeed and squish me into the cement. But I know how he thinks. Even more than the Kryptonite, he’s got one big weakness. Deep down, Clark’s essentially a good person… and deep down I’m not.

Ooooooh, intimidating! And a little bit sexy! Tell me more, you generous hunk of man!

Yelling at him to keep him distracted, Batman tells Superman to listen to him. “I’ve opened a gas main. If you so much as make a spark with your heat vision – you’ll blow up the entire block.”

Batman continues to pummel the hapless pussy. Superman clutches his own face like it actually hurts. Then he stands up with newfound stoicism and breathes frost breath at Batman, who is like “Frost breath… nice.”

“In the game of chess, you should never let your adversaries see your pieces.”

As fighting continues – and for some reason Batman is winning – Batman admits to Superman that he lied about the gas main. This is a risky gambit, telling your opponent that he can use his heat vision again. He tricks Superman into punching a high voltage transformer, which zaps him as all get-out. Batman takes this moment of electrical incapacitation to escape the tunnels and to the surface with fervent gusto. He hopes that he bought Catwoman enough time to do… something. Like what? Steal from Metropolis’ wealthiest dowagers?

Superman bursts through the ground to the surface. “You hurt me,” he whines. “This ends now.” Superman picks up an innocent car parked on the street and is mere milliseconds away from sending Batman to the big cave in the sky… until Batman tells Superman to look up. Catwoman’s got Lois positively hogtied and ready to throw her off the top of the Daily Planet building. Lois elbows her in the ribs and sends herself toppling over the edge. Even an Ivy-addled Superman doesn’t want his bountiful bride to fall to her messy death! He flies up, catches her, and returns her to the building where Catwoman is still doing cartwheels.

“So… you and he are working together now?” Lois asks with icy disdain. Catwoman answers with sarcasm.

Lois had torn off Ivy’s ivy, and therefore her influence. Superman returns to Batman so they can hatch a plan together on how to throw Ivy into a woodchipper. “Ivy will be on the move. She has money, and a certain way with anyone who would stop her. And she has help. Smart. Connected.” But he still needs to find out who’s behind all these shenanigans! My guess is Gary Busey, but only because I obviously like to keep mentioning him. That guy is cuh-raaaazy!

Superman knows someone who can find Ivy. And in less than two panels, they catch her at the Metropolis Plaza where she goes “whuzzah whuzzah whuh?” How did they find her?! Well, Superman called his friend Maggie Sawyer, whoever that is, and she’s going to arrange to get Ivy back to Gotham City courtesy of the police! And I ain’t talking about Sting. Not right now, at any rate.

Ivy tries to escape, but nope.

Tear her to shreds, Superdog! Rip out her jugular!

Ivy tries to run in another direction, but Catwoman is there waiting to punch the green girl across the mug. “Good-bye, Ivy,” she says, knocking her in the jaw with a DOK! Superman asks if that was really necessary, but fuck you, Superman. Mind your own business, asshole.

“It is time to leave this city. But not before Clark has his say,” Batman thinks exasperatedly.

“How did Catwoman know to pick Lois?” Superman asks. That’s a really dumb question, isn’t it? What a waste of time. I’m not even going to write about Batman’s earnest response.

“You could have gotten Lois killed,” Superman says sternly. But Batman knows that Superman wouldn’t have let it happen, even a Superman with ivy wrapped around his fat neck.

They enjoy a hearty handshake.

And some unknown figure across the street laughs to himself as he looks through binoculars…

Final Thoughts

Pffft. Issues that are all action can suck my wad.