Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #3 – “I Am Gotham (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, instead of getting all growly and weirdly insecure about Gotham and Gotham Girl taking over the job of “saving” “Gotham” from “itself”, Batman actually uses these blowjobs to help him. I would have never expected that!

A guy frees Solomon Grundy from Arkham Asylum then confesses in Commissioner Gordon’s office before slitting his throat. This makes Gordon go “hmm… fascinating…” and enlists Batman and his new intrepid heroes for help. Something about “Monster Men” are involved. Go figure.

And, in the end, since no one will help save Gotham City apparently, the police get Professor Hugo Strange involved! The kid will stick his thumb up his butt and swirl it around for a few hours first. But, eventually, he’ll get around to saving that city! Really. No foolin’.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #3 [September, 2016]
Written by: Tom King
“I Am Gotham (Part 3)”

How trite! A montage of Bruce Wayne’s parents getting murdered in cold blood in the middle of a Gotham City alley while Bruce watches. The whole debacle was probably his little fault, too. The overlayed narration talks about growing up in Gotham, really growing up in Gotham. “Raised in the piss and smoke of it,” it says. You get used to it, then you become it. The piss and smoke, that is. I lose the threads of the metaphor at this point.

“I still feel like retching when I get a smell of the worst of it,” says the narration. “Like, I just need to get away from it, any way I can.”

But when you’re from Gotham, it’s all piss and smoke all day. You can’t get away from it. So you just breathe it all in.

Here’s the reveal: It’s not the Waynes, it’s some other family getting harassed in the middle of an alley at night. Only, on this occasion, no one dies because Batman grabs the assailant’s throat and slams him against a brick wall while saying “No.” The man’s head left a giant blood splat on the wall, but he’s not dead because bAtMaN dOeSn’T kiLl aNyOnE. The family is free to move along, now. Go on. Beat it.

Presumably, it’s a few years later. The couple who got assailed are speaking to a sort of professional therapist WHO WILL PROBABLY TURN OUT TO BE HUGO STRANGE, CALLING IT NOW about raising their kids in the city. The man, Henry, has been the one narrating. “Henry,” his wife puts his hand on his shoulder, “this nice man did not come all the way FBI Headquarters in Washington, D.C. to hear you opine on piss and smoke.”

Henry frowns.

The therapist-of-sorts appreciates the piss and smoke talk. It’s sexy, for one thing. For another thing, it helps him paint the picture he wants. The couple are supposed to be talking about their two kids, Hank and Claire. About what, I don’t know? Maybe it has something to do with smoking. And pissing.

After the incident in the alley, little Hank fell head-over-heels in love with Batman. At least the helping people part of it, not necessarily the spandex part of it. Claire, following in her older brother’s footsteps, likes Batman too now even though she wasn’t present at the robbery.

Yo, Sis, I bet I can lift this inflatable deadlift bar higher than you!

As they grew up, they helped out whenever they could. Soup kitchens, telling stories to cantankerous old farts at nursing homes. “I made a fortune in this city,” says Henry. “And those two just kept talking me into giving it away.”

Pretty soon, the two kids were getting all sorts of jacked and were spending their long evenings reading about criminal justice and how to step on a black guy’s neck. “They were so obsessed, obviously,” continues Henry. “And maybe we should’ve… I don’t know… interfered.”

Yeah yeah yeah, Gotham and Gotham Girl. Get to it already.

“Then, last year, as you know, they went overseas. Doing charity work in some very… difficult places.” Cue a panel of Hank and Claire running children away from bombs and napalm. That sort of thing.

The man isn’t Hugo Strange. He looks like one of those seedy salesman characters that Dan Aykroyd used to play on Saturday Night Live. “And at one point, they asked me to wire them money. Quite a bit of money. They didn’t say what it was for. I didn’t ask.” Henry looks quite consternational, which is not a word! Money was wired, they returned from overseas, and now, SUDDENLY, Gotham has two new superheroes! Muh kids make me proud!

“Yes, well, as I said, Mister Clover, I’m just here about that payment,” says Dan Aykroyd. “That amount. It’s an anomaly. The bureau was checking on possible fraud.”

Mrs. Clover is onto him. The government is interested in much more than this money. They are interested in the two new superheroes, obviously. Dan Aykroyd denies that this is true. He mentions again that his name is Agent Malone. “But most just call me ‘Matches’,” he says, returning to his car, taking off his fake mustache, and revealing himself to be Master of All Disguises Bruce Wayne in the Flesh!

No time to be surprised! Alfred is on the horn reporting a bridge collapse! The Vincefinkle Bridge, to be exact!

Babies getting smashed to death against trees. Shitshows in Vietnamese hotels. Is there anything Alfred hasn’t seen?

And before this woman – yes, a woman – killed herself in the bombing, she was heard to mention the Monster Men. Again with the Monster Men, already!

Bruce’s white sedan splits in half, revealing the Bat Motorcycle (Batcycle?). Four minutes from the bridge, he has to hurry! “I must say that I do not believe the bridge will hold for four minutes,” Alfred says concernedly. If Alfred was with Bruce right now, Bruce would slap the man silly! “It’ll hold,” he says, basing this purely on nothing.

Speaking of the bridge holding, Gotham Dude is holding the bridge while Gotham Girl does her best to rescue people. Batman shows up in a montage of saving the bridge while someone else provides narration that mirrors Henry’s. Nothing about piss and smoke this time, unfortunately, but fetid walls and soiled mold. The decay. You are the walls and mold and decay. Planes crashing. Bridge bombings. It’s all part of the dance! “You feel each blow to the city as a blow to your own body,” the person says, It’s up to him to free people of the psychosis of the city. “They will not riot! They will resist! They will not panic! They will persevere! Villains will surrender. Heroes will triumph.”

It’s Hugo Strange. How very rousing of a speech, sir. Did your mom write it for you?

Batman holds up the bridge using flimsy wires and his Batplane. Here, I’ll show you:

This is how it’ll work. My ass in your face. Any questions?

Gotham cannot thank Batman enough for helping. “And I just… I wanted to say…” he stammers. “See, when I was… a kid – well, there…. my mom had a necklace…”

Batman cuts him off right there (lol) and tells him to keep on plugging along, slugger. Then he leaps away.

“Well, he let us see him leave,” Gotham Girl says to a despondent Gotham. “That’s got to mean something.

No celebrations now. A bomb just went off in the skyline behind them. “Crap,” says Gotham Girl. Crap, indeed. Then they fly. I don’t know how they’re able to fly, but they fly. I don’t know, man. I’m not writing this shit.

Gotham and Gotham Girl suddenly crash through a giant window into a smoking, fiery building. They make a plan to keep the building from toppling when they suddenly hear a voice that says, calmly, “Oh. Hello.”

It’s Professor Hugo “I’m Having Fun in This Burning Building” Strange and his associate Roger Hayden the Psycho-Pirate, Master of All Emotions (lol).

Anyway, this is bad news. Story over.

Final Thoughts

“Roger Hayden the Psycho-Pirate, Master of All Emotions”, huh? Yeah, we’re going off the rails now. Can we go back to fiery plane crashes, please? That’s more my speed anyway.