Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #577 – “Chapter Three: Deadly Alliesl”! In the previous installment, we learn The Reaper’s backstory (wife was killed in front of him), we get to see prospective nun Rachel Caspian kiss Bruce and then later most likely fuck him, we get to see Batman strike a deal with Mob Bosses to all work together to bring down The Reaper, and we get to see Commissioner Jimmy Jam Gordon doubt Batman’s loyalties. Also, Batman has to work with the guy who killed his parents roflmao

And now we get to see Bruce and Alfred wrestle in a wading pool full of pudding! Don’t sleep on this iconic issue, ladies and gentlemen!

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #577 [August, 1987]
Written by: Mike W. Barr
“Chapter Three: Deadly Allies”

If the cover is any indication, we’re going to have yet another whole issue of Bruce Wayne crying about his dead parents. It’s like, dude, your father would have probably molested you when your voice started changing. He’s not the great guy you think he is!

Batman is hanging out in the graveyard with his 700 sq. ft. cape billowing in the breeze. He remembers that time that a bat flew through his window and gave him the idea to be Batman. He has always seen this as a sign from his dead father. But, oho, aha, some moral dilemmas present themselves. Should he ally himself with the man who killed his father in order to get shit done? Is that kosher?

Leslie startles Batman as she enters the graveyard, chastising him for becoming the man he has become (a jerk in a bat suit). How dare he consider working with murderers and criminals and Seinfeld fans to restore order in their fair, dank city.

“If joining forces with the underworld is what it takes to defeat The Reaper, then I will,” Batman responds a little too readily for Leslie’s liking. She asks him if he ever prays. Like, really prays. Gets down on those knobby knees and cries for the Jesus sweetness. Batman doesn’t pray. At least there’s that.

Leslie will pray for Bruce, then. I think that’s a horrible idea since Bruce is working with murderers and criminals and anime bros, but more power to ya, lady.

Later, Joe Chill (the shuddery name of Bruce’s killer buddy) waits for the caped crusader in an alley. Their target is in his home, so let’s get a move on before Blue Bloods is on. It’s the episode where Donnie Wahlberg stuffs an entire chicken down his throat.

They reach the roof of a building where they look at the roof of another building and then watch two guards patrolling said roof. Joe Chill wants to fill these guys full of bullets, but Batman has a better idea: swooping down upon them and cold-cocks one guy in the face. And then he throws a gun at one of them, knocking him unconscious. That was easy, right? And it didn’t take 40 stupid panels to get it done.

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. With guns. And they make a hearty “CLUNCT” to boot.

Joe Chill comments on Batman’s gun. The very gun Chill used to murder Batman’s parents. “I used to carry a piece like that,” Chill says. Batman grits his teeth so hard that he breaks them into teeny tiny pieces and then swallows them and them scrapes his butthole pooping them out. “Is that right?” he growls.

On the count of three, they both bust through the door of an apartment containing what looks like a gay biker gang. The Fallen Angels. They ain’t so tough. All it takes is a few gun bullets to show them what’s what.

With most of the room down, one guy stands in the corner with a grenade. “Stay away, man… I’m warning you.” Batman suggests a friendly, non-confrontational chit-chat with the lad, but Chill decides to shoot him right in the heart before he pulls the pin. Batman is like “now Joey, buddy, let’s try talking next time.”

Now to continue finding their target, whoever that is. I don’t remember if I’m supposed to know that. I thought they were supposed to be looking for The Reaper, not some hippie in a flower shirt.

You’re harshing my buzz, maaaaaan.

This hippie goes by “Sunshine” , and he’s going to get a grenade lodged in his rectum if he doesn’t do exactly what Joe Chill says. “My bosses have a job for you…” Chill says chillingly.

Now that the hippie has a job, Batman is like “I’ll be going now.” Joe Chill lights a cigarette and comments that the two of them make a pretty good team, eh? Batman poops out more of his teeth. “…Father… what have I done?”

Back in the warehouse where the mob bosses meet for root beers and a game of Chutes and Ladders, Chill briefs the men. The hippies will be dealing drugs on Friday, The Reaper will catch wind of the deal, and then they’ll all get The Reaper. Badabing badaboom why not done?

Jimmy the Fist, who I named myself, has a problem, though. The Batman. And Joey Chilly is like, pfffft, no problem. The dude is stuffed with fluff like Winnie the Pooh! “I can take him out,” he says. Meeting adjourned. Blue Bloods is on in five minutes!

Elsewhere, Lieutenant Dicksuck shows up to Gordon’s office to tell him about the drug deal that he just heard about from, you know, the 1987 version of the internet. At any rate, let’s put all of our men on it. Bring me everyone. EVERYONE!!!

Alfred has a Hitler mustache and he’s driving Bruce and Leslie to a dinner party to meet Mr. Caspian! Oh boy!

Well, I thought I knew you, Der Führer.

While both Leslie and Alfred tut-tut on Bruce’s immoral decisions, Bruce handwaves it off smilingly! At the dinner, pleasantries are exchanged and genitals are fondled. It seems that young Bruce has coaxed Rachel out of the convent! Good for him. He’ll cut her loose in about two days anyway. Bruce Wayne is player, but let’s not forget Alfred. That guy fucks.

Mr. Caspian does his little “be kind to my daughter or I’ll murder you” dance, to which Bruce solemnly lets him know that he understands Rachel’s history what with the gun and the murder of the parental unit. “I think that may be the supreme capacity of the human soul… to put pain behind it, to begin anew. I love Rachel, Mr. Caspian. I would never do anything to hurt her.

This smarmy sack of shit is going to get Rachel accidentally killed.

Leslie smiles. I guess Bruce is the gentleman he has always purported to be! That’s a relief!

Rachel invites Bruce in for a cup of a tea and a wet vagina, but Bruce needs to take a rain check on that drinkin’ and fuckin’. Mr. Caspian, too, has other matters to attend to tonight. Rachel gets left alone with her Cosmopolitan magazines and her Intellivision while the two men her life prowl around the streets in their respective stupid-ass costumes.

Batman meets up with Joe Chill again in order to do more crimes. Gordon and Co. stakeout the drug deal. A couple of goons are unloading barrels of ether from a truck. A cop masquerading as a bum keeps an eye on things, but The Repear scythes him to an early death. The scream draws Batman’s attention! Oh shit, a cop is down! This is so totally fucked! Let’s go check it out, buddy!

Gordon and Co. see the bat swooping down. Man your stations, gentlemen!

The Reaper kills some drug dealers.

The SWAT team has arrived to do some SWATting.

Batman and Joe Chill catch up with the Reaper. Then there’s a little dancey fight where Batman does slips and The Reaper does twirls. Gordon busts down the door with his SWAT team. “Freeze, everyone!” he says with an air of AUTHORITY! The Reaper shoots at Gordon, but Batman saves him just in time by pulling him to the floor. Gordon is ungrateful! Says Batman is under arrest! He even clocks him in the mug! What is the world coming to??

Joe Chill accidentally shoots an ether barrel and the building explodes with everyone in it. The building is in ruins! Joe Chillmeister hangs on to a piece of wood for dear life! One slip and he drops 190 stories!

“Hey, partner—a little help here, huh?” he says to the unhurt, unfettered Batman. Batman stands there silently. “You deaf?” Chill asks. “Gimme a hand.”

DIE, WAYNES! DIE! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!

Batman looks like he’s about ready to push this fucker down to his death, but of course he doesn’t. It’s because Batman has scruples. And he saves him and they swing off together into the moonlight.

Later, Batman promises his dear old dead dad that he’ll get his revenge. Oh, he’ll get his revenge. He just, uh, needs this guy. Still. To get The Reaper. But, after that, he promises! No foolin’.

Final Thoughts

Batman is such a cuck. There’s no reason to really work with this guy. Just put a bullet through his skull and move on, you pussy.