Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #936 – “Army of Shadows”! In the previous installment, Batwoman’s training is so hard that everyone mumbles and grumbles. Tim “Red Robin Hamburgers” Drake has a genius grant for Cum Dumpster University and doesn’t have the heart to tell Batman. Kate Kane has what appears to be daddy issues.

Batman is investigating something called “the Colony” based on a Jean-Paul Valley semi-conscious outburst, but now he has a run-in with robot Batmen. This is what he was afraid of, and we’re only three issues into the story!

Alfred showed up for a couple panels, too. I feel that this is noteworthy. Moving on.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #936 [September, 2016]
Written by: James Tynion IV
“Army of Shadows”

Kate had a really shitty drill sergeant. Verbally and emotionally abusive; called her worthless, an idiot, a cunt (probably). “I’d made the mistake of telling him what I wanted. To be a leader, like my father. Tate never let me live it down.”

She once spent an evening reflecting. Wondering if this is what she wanted to do. Personally, I wonder why anyone would want to do it in the first place. Fuck all that noise entirely! Anyway, she had gone to a bar and closed her eyes listening to the music… when Sergeant Tate showed up right behind her.

“You want to know why I did it? Sometimes you need to shout until they cry.”

And they have a nice little heart-to-heart about why all this abuse is actually a good thing. It’s very touching (?)

In the current day, Kate is sitting in a bar with her ex-girlfriend Renee chatting about how she’s finally doing something she really wants to do with her life. How important it is and how great it feels… “But it’s not working. I feel like my hands are tied behind my back.”

Renee is grumpy and gets up to leave. Kate has always been a leader. Just fucking lead! Don’t ask for advice, worthless idiot cunt! And so on and so forth. It’s very touching (?)

Later, at New Batcave HQ, Red Robin and Batwoman watch Batman get his ass fully kicked by 50 robots on their giant monitors.

“Pretty damn bad.”

“My God… they beat Batman. When did this happen, Red Robin?”

“Three hours ago. He was en route back to the Cave.”

Batwoman notices that the robots are fighting with military precision! “They’re part of an organization named The Colony,” mansplains Red Robin. “That’s all we know.”

It’s every man for himself now, Red Robin. I’m getting away from this shit, one-way ticket to Nepal.

It’s time for Red Robin and Batwoman’s heart-to-heart, all like “Batman said you were in charge, right? And then he made all the decisions! But hey, trust the guy. Let him be a frustrating jerk, ok? But since Batman got fucked up, it’s time to step up and make a decision.”

So Batwoman smiles and decides to make some calls to Orphan, Spoiler, Clayface, and… uh… her dad. She calls her dad to say “I MADE DECISIONS!” He’s happy for her. It’s very touching (?)

Orphan leaps onto the roof and dons her mask while military jets fly overhead.

Spoiler was jostled awake and dreads another nightmare training session, but she perks up when she sees Batman getting his ass entirely kicked by 50 robots on their giant monitors. “Is that Batman losing?!” she asks incredulously even though I’ve witnessed Batman losing on many occasions. He let a little girl die in The Long Halloween for criminy’s sake!

The gang is all rounded up, and Batwoman makes her speech: “Batman didn’t want me–”

Hold up, I’m not rewriting all that! Here’s the gist: these Batmen have been trained to find all of them and kill them. The robots are the reason Batman brought everyone together, and now that Batman seems to be out of the picture, it’s up to them to survive without him! Also, she brought in an expert to help: MR. JEHOSAPHAT KANE, HER DEAR FATHER. Please clap.

I can’t think of a taller drink of water, myself! It must be the sexy genitals.

Mr. Colonel Kane enters the room with big “oh look at me I’m a tough guy” steps. Red Robin correctly guesses that a platoon was made in Batman’s likeness because “who better?” Then why are they trying to take down the guy they based themselves on, smart guy? Batwoman correctly guesses that maybe Batman is in the way of something. So why are they after Batman’s Dream Team? Clayface correctly guesses that maybe they’re in the way of something.

Orphan hasn’t shown up to the meeting yet because she thinks she can take on 50 robots by herself. We’re going to see how that all plays out and–

“Orphan isn’t responding,” Red Robin says while trying to get ahold of her on the Gigatron Orphan-Finder 5000 Computer. But then the Teratron Orphan-Finder 8000 finds her on the roof battling robots. “Oh God, they’re here,” Red Robin moans.

Col. Kane is like “STAND BACK, POOPYPANTS” and lowers the defensive shielding, allowing the robots to crash through the glass ceiling and descend upon our heroes. This totally smacks of Bad Guy shit, but I’ll allow it for now. Let’s see how this plays out!

The heroes scramble for a fucking plan. They’ve already taken over the computers, so doing anything remotely useful is completely out of the question.

Orphan comes down from the roof, and Col. Kane orders the Batmen open fire on her. Batwoman says “NO!” really loudly like it’s going to make a lick of difference. Luckily, the rounds are just sedatives. “It’ll wear off in minutes,” Col. Kane says. “She’s an impressive one, though, isn’t she? Secure a perimeter around them,” he addresses his robotic crew. “I want to talk.”

Red Robin encourages Batwoman to get her father talking forever so he can have time to get the systems back online. “Forever” is just about how long he’ll need, too. Fortunately for Red Robin, Col. Kane loves to hear his own voice.

“Kate, years ago you–”

Hold up! I’m not rewriting all that! Basically, he says that Batman influenced both of them. Where his daughter wanted to be like him, her father wanted to harness that potential into a Giant Robot Army! “We’re fighting a war on a scale he can barely comprehend, against a foe he’s ignored—and that war has come to Gotham!”

You need a spanking and to be put to bed without dinner, and no more TV or video games. Worthless idiot cunt.

Col. Kane goes on to say that all this was what he was training Kate for. Leading a real army! Is she in or out? And she can bring her little friends along too! They could learn a thing or two about not being shitty sidekick-caliber losers.

“We have a problem,” announces one of the Batmen on the computer. Red Robin has been trying to download an internet on the computerweb. He smiles triumphantly that he hacked into their Colony network and put a nasty virus in it! Ha ha ha! And—oh no! It didn’t work! Augh!

So Clayface absorbs his buds within his disgusting, slimy, muddy bulk while Batwoman condemns her father. An escape hatch opens below and they all fall down.

“Should we pursue?” asks one of the Batmen.

“The strike is tomorrow,” responds Col. Kane. “We need to crack the Bat-Computer to finalize our targets. Get our best men in here now, and get this system back up and running.”

“And what about them?”

“She can say what she wants. She knows the truth now. We don’t need to pursue. She’ll come to us.”

It’s very touching.

(?)

Final Thoughts

Oh, and I’m supposed to care about any of this? This is supposed to be Detective Comics, son! Show me some detective work! Someone grab a magnifying glass or something or I’m out.