Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Giant Size X-Men, Issue #1! Certainly, this is the only issue of Giant Size X-Men that matters, since this era is rife with reprints of older stories. And furthermore, w–

Oh, hello, hi! From 1975 – 1991, a lowly British comic book writer named Chris Claremont revitalized the desiccated corpse that was the X-Men comic book franchise. Not only did he breathe new life into it, but X-Men would have been a complete thing of the past without his essential involvement. Hell, they weren’t even printing new stories anymore. Each new issue for five straight years was a reprint of an old story. Even this Giant Size issue contains three stories dug up from the bottom of the dumpster, but I’m only going to focus on the first one. The first new X-Men story of the entire 1970s. “Deadly Genesis!”

This wasn’t even written by Claremont himself, but it kicks it off. If there is absolutely anything within the Marvel oeuvre that is considered mandatory reading, it’s Claremont’s 16-year run with the X-Men. So here I go, chipping away at it one issue at a time. I’m going to die before I get to the end of it, but at least I can say I tried!

Giant Size X-Men #1 [May, 1975]
Written by: Len Wein
“Deadly Genesis!”

Great! The art looks like dogshit. 1970s dogshit. Maybe I should be listening to Chick Corea jazz fusion while reading this in a bean bag near a lava lamp and my bead curtains.

“From the ashes of the past, there grow the fires of the future! The glory and grandeur begin anew with… SECOND GENESIS!”

Ok, so is this Deadly Genesis or is this Second Genesis. I’m already upset over the lack of continuity here. Reading this was a complete mistake.

Oh ok, it’s part one of the story. OK, fair enough…

Chapter I – “Second Genesis!”

There we go. Anyway, we start in the peaceful town of Winzeldorf, Germany, where Hitler hasn’t passed through for nearly 30 years! I wonder what he was up to in 1975. The townsfolk, wielding torches and speaking English, are stampeding toward a monster! Not just ANY monster! One of them Ex-Man type monsters!

“The fools! It is they who are the monsters – they with their mindless prejudices!”

This is a blue guy with a devil tail and a red coat with flared sleeves at the shoulders. Could be Beast? I’M NOT SURE. I’LL NEVER BE SURE.

This beastly blue beast – let’s just call him Maybe-Beast for now – thinks he should have stayed with “Der Jahrmarkt”. But, the life of a carnival freak is just not in the cards. It doesn’t seem cozy. He doesn’t want to be pelted with Mike & Ikes by unruly fat children with ice creams and propeller beanies. It is not befitting of the one Kurt Wagner!

OK, gotta look that up now I guess. Nightcrawler. He’s from Germany and his name is Kurt Wagner and he doesn’t like being in the circus. I guess there’s really not much more to know about him at this point.

Toxic masculinity on Page 2. We’re off to a good start.

He leaps around while a bunch of guys with fire want to murder him for being a circus freak. He lands on top of a roof, and the people threaten to burn the house down unless Nightcrawler comes down RIGHT NOW and takes his licks! It’s a resoundinging NO! Too bad they weren’t bluffing; many of them start launching their torches on top of the roof. “They’re utterly mad! Their threat was serious! They’ll destroy their entire village to make certain that they destroy me!”

Yes yes, Nightcrawler. You’re very important. It’s all about you, isn’t it? Well, fine. If they’re going to be a bunch of bastards, then the blue guy is going to leap down from the roof and start twisting necks and punching ovaries. THWAMM! CHOK! It only works for a bit, but since the village has a population of 17 billion it’s only a matter of time before Nightcrawler is– yep, he’s taken down!

Time to get the stake! Buffy the Vampire Slayer over here is gonna take his Mr. Pointy and fuck him right in the ass with it… but an individual off-panel says “STOP!” in puffy, blue letters. I can’t wait to see who it might be. Perhaps it’s Jesus. Or Martin Short.

Some bald wheelchair loser in a suit just starts rolling in like he owns the place. The entire town has been frozen in its tracks as if some BALD PIECE OF SHIT has stopped time! And indeed he has, for he is the most powerful bald piece of shit on the planet. “My name is Charles Xavier… I heard you say you’d come here to learn, my friend. I am a teacher. I run a school for gifted youngsters such as you. A school for mutants!”

OK, this seems a little rude and forward. Not to mention fast-paced. Xavier is desperate for recruits. He needs that government funding after all, gotta keep the enrollment up. Xavier tells Wagner that he can help reach his full potential. Wagner takes that to mean that Xavier will help him be normal, but that’s a laugh and half! What is “normal” anyway? Why, David Carradine accidentally killed himself jerking off! I’m sorry, what were you saying?…

Nightcrawler is like “done deal, sensei” and they both fuck off to the school for some reason.

Let us now travel to Quebec where a military base is doing covert military operation stuff. Really covert stuff. Covert as the dickens. It’s the home of a very special agency, with a very special agent: Weapon X.

Fuckin’ Wolverine bursting through the door like Kramer.

Weapon X, aka Wolverine, is like “what do you motherfucks want? I wanna watch Jeopardy!”

“I am the bigwig, Wolverine,” says Charles Xavier, sitting down for the occasion.
“Am I supposed to be impressed,” snorts Wolverine. Now we’re talkin’! This is the good shit already!

Xavier is here to make Wolverine an offer he can’t refuse. Wolverine’s interest is piqued! All like “GOOD SIR, THAT SOUNDS CAPITAL. I LIKE OFFERS. GIMME THE OFFER.” And that’s good! Because Charles Xavier has been paying attention to Wolverine’s angry punching and kicking and he desperately needs some mutants badly for his harem. I mean, school. Best of all, no more government agency bureaucracy! At the Xavier school, we have bags of money near trees that you can just pick up at your convenience! Consider that your salary.

He slices and dices! He will tear your clothes right off your body before you can say “no means no”!

A government hot shot comes in pointing his ugly, smelly finger. “Not so fast, fella! The government has invested a great deal of time and money turning you into what you are now!”

Yeah, ok. SNIKT! These are my claws, ho. Say that shit again and he’ll– TOO LATE! KRRIIIPP! Nice suit… or at least it WAS! HA HA HA HA HA!! 1975!!

The government agent promises that Wolverine hasn’t heard the last of them. Wolverine ain’t afraid. Time to block this popsicle stand and go to school. Lead the way, Professor! *pushes his wheelchair around the hallways gingerly*

Cut to Nashville. Professor Xavier recruits Banshee!

Cut to Kenya. Professor Xavier recruits Storm! There are many panels here of Storm flying around causing a storm by frolicking in the sky. The people are happy, for she has ended a drought with her dangerous monsoon! Don’t thank her, just pay her handsomely for the service!

Ororo thinks she’s a goddess, but she is actually a loathsome mutant. Come to Xavier’s school, they bought new textbooks!

Cut to Japan. Professor Xavier recruits Sunfire! Although Xavier knows Sunfire’s feelings about the Western world (extremely negative; he hopes many bombs will be dropped daily for years to come), he urges his old friend to come to the school and pound erasers! He’s in!

Cut to Siberia. Professor Xavier recruits Colossus! Peter Rasputin is working on his farm and sees a tractor heading right for his sister! Ye gods!

Oh no! Could this be the end… of a very valuable tractor??

So Peter Rasputin becomes Colossus and saves the day like Superman or maybe even Wonder Woman! The tractor is reduced to kindling!… metal kindling. The village will never afford another tractor for the rest of their sorry little lives, but it’s a small price to pay for trying to run over a little girl for some reason.

When Professor Xavier communicates with Rasputin telepathically, Rasputin is like “You want I come to ze America? Nyet… ok, ok, Da.”

Rasputin is a tough sell. Xavier’s gonna have to get his parents’ permission first! And so he does and it’s a pathetic display.

“Do as your heart tells you, my son. It will not betray you” laughs Daddy Rasputin, positively chuffed that his lowlife son will finally be leaving the house. Mommy Rasputin cries silently in her son’s arms. See ya in the funny pages!

Cut to Arizona. Professor Xavier recruits Thunderbird! John Proudstar, an Apache, hates his reservation and he can’t wait to call it quits on the whole Indigionous thing. It’s bothersome. His people are meant to be warriors and hunters. Not a bunch of old fucks dying on their porches like assholes. He takes his frustration out on a poor bull, who is likely dead by the time Xavier shows up.

“HUH??” Proudstar exclaims when Xavier rolls on up. “Now how in blazes did a cripple get way out here? Not that it matters much. You’ve got five seconds to vamoose, White-Eyes! I don’t want company – especially yours!”

Charles X (the “X” stands for “SEX”) strokes his chin and tells the angry Apache that he’s a mutant and also shut the fuck up.

Xavier can sweeten the deal. How about a rare Pokemon card? He’s got a holographic Charizard!

John Proudstar isn’t going to be swayed in two panels like all these other dipshits. Xavier brings the big guns then – he calls Proudstar a coward AND a chicken, just like all those other lazy, shiftless Apache! Buck buck buck buckaw! *flaps arms* *doesn’t kick legs*

Like Marty McFly, this guy does not like being called a chicken. Not even a little bit. SO he’ll go with Xavier! How about THAT?! That’ll shut you the hell up. Hahaha, Proudstar wins this round!

Xavier may have made a huge mistake here! “Will any of my new X-Men be equal to the task that lies before you? Or will you carry the world down into ruin?”

Should’ve thought of that before you wheeled around the whole planet collecting mutants, you bald dingus.

Chapter II – “…And When There Was One!”

Oooooh, we have chapters. Not parts, chapters! How very epic and quaint!

And lo, the X-Men have all assembled in Xavier’s school, striking poses on the staircase like the Brady Bunch. Wolverine is Greg. That Nightcrawler guy is Cindy.

First, Xavier had to give everyone a quick English lesson to get them all on the same page. This was very important to mention, and I’m glad five minutes was all it took. That saves us all a lot time!

Second, everyone gets costumes! Wolverine already had one, certainly, and being asked to part with it would be a fast track to getting one’s head punted across town! Everyone else is like “wow, this fits my muscled-bulged body so well, professor!” and “hey, I love how my costume shows 94% of the skin on my lovely hourglass-shaped body, professor!”, and Xavier starts throwing some dumb science about how he was able to make these costumes. Unstable molecules! Reed Richards gave Xavier these molecules. He had a whole pocket full of ‘em.

Easy there, cowboy. You don’t want to RE-stabilize those molecules, son!

So Sunfire is mad and impatient, they were all waiting for the MOST IMPORTANT X-MAN OF ALL, AND I BET YOU CAN ALL GUESS WHICH FIRE-EYED TALL DRINK OF WATER IT’S GOING TO BE.

“My friends,” Xavier announces with pomp and also, dare I say, circumstance, “allow me to present Scott Summers – THE MAN CALLED CYCLOPS!”

And verily, this self-important blowjob slams his way into the room. “He will fill you in on the details,” Xavier continues, launching his wheelchaired ass out of there and heading straight to Denny’s.

Here are the “details”: there are only seven of you X-Men left and we need your help to something something. Here, I’ll catch you up! *points to a clunky ‘70s command console* “This is Cerebro, our specially-designed mutant detector! It’s thru this mechanism that we discovered all of you – and lost all my closest friends!”

Well this is fucking melodramatic already. Thanks Scott, you really haven’t changed much in almost 50 years.

One punch to the ground will make the Earth explode, and to that, my friends, I say this: lol

The OG X-Men get namedropped: Cyclops (OF COURSE, UGH), Professor Xavier, Angel, Iceman, Marvel Girl, Lorna Dane, Cyclops’ brother Havok, and that’s all! That’s it!

Flashback to when everyone wasn’t lost and the Cerebro thing found other mutants. Specifically one mutant they want to collect before, like, the X-Men team from the Soviet Union snatches him up first. So, they all pile into their jet and fly to Krakoa so they can die in a volcano.

Jean Grey wishes they could contact the Beast! He has “dexterous digits”, which doesn’t seem too useful right now EXCEPT to quench Grey’s horny thirst! With contempt, Cyclops reminds the woman that Hank McCoy graduated and moved onto bigger and better things. Like teaching X-Man horticulture and growing some X-Man ferns.

They reach Krakoa. I hope someone brought their dexterous digits with them! *swoons*

“I think we took the wrong bus, gang,” Iceman looks around the island. “This place sure doesn’t look like Cleveland. All the insects in the air – the overgrown jungle! On second thought, maybe this Cleveland.”

Zing! Cyclops all but tells Vanilla Ice to shut the fucking fuck up and take this shit seriously. They gotta find a new mutant and they have no idea where to look! At all! Not at all! Xavier sent us on a fool’s errand and he, for one, doesn’t want to look the fool!

OH SHIT.

Flying green rocks barrel toward the group. The next thing Cyclops remembers is that his shirt was torn to shreds and his buddies were missing! All of them! As if Cyclops smelled really bad and they collectively agreed to book it.

But here’s the crazy thing! Cyclops’ eyes have been rendered uncovered! But wait, hold the phone…they aren’t doing anything. His optic blasts don’t work right now! “They’re normal… powerless… “ he says, thoroughly freaked out and not necessarily enjoying the situation as he really should.

Professor! It’s Denny’s!… it’s closed!

THEN Cyclops discovers that he’s back on the jet and he’s not even controlling it. Egads! “I spent the next five minutes pounding on the control panel, then resigned myself to the situation and sat back in my seat.”

Xavier is furious once Cyclops returns. The others are stuck on Krakoa? What the fuck, son? Even after Cyclops tries to show him the bright side, that his eyes are working normal, Xavier looks at him like he’s full of beans! Probably because his eyes are flaring up, you goddamned liar. “Quickly, Scott – grab some protective lenses!” Xavier shouts, positively dancing with fear. Scott’s like WAH WAH WAH WAAH WAAAAH I should have known better! I should have known that I would have to continue living with this horrible affliction!

Anyway, long story short, Cyclops needed better protective goggles so Xavier hoisted his ass out of his wheelchair and made him some better ones. Oh yeah, and his friends are still gone. That part is also a bummer. Wolverine looks impatient. “So now what?”

Here’s the now what, Pointy: WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO KRAKOA AND FIND THEM!

Sunfire is like, nuh uh girlfriend, Sunfire ain’t goin’ anywhere! Sunfire stayin’ right here! “I will have no PART in this fool’s errand!”

CYCLOPS CANNOT BELIEVE HIS EARS! “WHAT– ?” he was known to say. Why wouldn’t Sunfire want to help save some fellow mutants? Simple, poopypants! Sunfire hates his fellow mutants! Bunch of self-important jerks if you ask him, all obsessed with their super tough SPECIAL powers.

Cyclops has not a moment for this! Bye, Sunfire, have fun jerking off while Xavier watches. The rest are Krakoa-bound.

“Moments later, the Strato-Jet streaks skyward – and there is only one empty seat on board…”

Thanks, suspenseful narration. Does this mean Fatty Colossus is taking up two seats Kevin Smith-style?

Storm… I think it’s Storm… she made a storm in Africa so I’d say she’s Storm… so Storm chides Cyclops for having an altercation within 45 seconds of assembling the X-Men team for the first time. It wasn’t befitting of such a group of tights-wearing ninnies! Proudstar tells her to get used to it, cunt.

Hmmm… uhhhhmmm…. hrrmmmmm…

When the team realizes that the jet is being followed, they soon discover that a flying man is tailing them! WHY, IT’S SUNFIRE! And he’s come around! Good for him, that ol’ knucklehead! I knew he’d straighten up and fly right.

“Why did you change your mind, Sunfire?” Nightcrawler sneers, “Afraid to go home alone?”
“My reasons are nobody’s business but my own, misfit! You’d do well to remember that!” Sunfire spits like a sunny spitfire. This guy is going to learn a hard lesson when the Monster of Krakoa makes him eat his butt right off of a plate.

Hey! We’re Not Done! Click Here for Page 2!