Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #10 – “Revenge of the Green Lanterns (Part 1)”! Finally, we get to the actual Revenge of the Green Lanterns story! Hooray and yippee! In the previous installment, Green Lantern and Batman team up to fight a dude with tattoos. And then—oh wait, that’s it.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue 10 [May, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Revenge of the Green Lanterns (Part 1)”

It’s one year later. “My name is Hal Jordan,” says Hal Jordan. “I’m a cop with a black mark on his record,” he continues. “A big one,” he says. “I was recruited by a dying alien into the Green Lantern Corps because the ring he gave me said I had the potential to overcome great fear,” he blithers. “I thought I understood what that meant,” he blathers. “Five months ago I found out for sure,” he bluthers.

Jordan is fighting an alien space bounty hunter-type name I-Man. He handles himself well until other individuals dressed as I-Man, ostensibly the Space Police, fly in to tell him that he’s under arrest (for prostitution). These Space Police fellows are coined “Rocket Reds”. “You have entered Russian airspace,” says one of them. “We have warned you, American, as we warned your partner.”

And guess what? Hal Jordan is totally going to fight all these Russian sky cops. Jordan is like “before I kill you I’m going to have my ring talk a lot right now.”

“We are currently in pursuit of Reg H’rr, a.k.a. the Igneous Man,” informs the ring. “An assassin from the Solar Cities within the Andromeda sun. He is wanted in seventeen sectors for murder.”

The Red Rockets are well aware of stinky Igneous Man. “He has been lurking in Chernobyl for weeks,” says one of them. “Apparently searching for a more comfortable natural environment. He will be our prisoner, not yours.”

Well, ol’ Hal Jordan doesn’t want to let that happen. He wants him for himself. The Rocket Reds dissected the last guy they caught.

Jordan continues fighting as a one-man army against a slew of Reds. He’s not here as an “American” by the way, he’s here as a “Green Lantern” and he’s got authori-tai!

If Hal Jordan can just make up shit like hammers out of thin air, why doesn’t he make up shit like, you know, an interesting story.

He’s been spending so much time fighting these Rocket Reds that he forgot about his perpetrator! Shit! Oh, there he is, over in the corner melting the Reds’ airplane wings and the Reds’ body armor. “I wait for the pilot to eject. But he doesn’t. Or can’t.”

Oh well!

…

Sigh… I suppose Jordan will have to help him. He instructs the Reds to clear out so that he has room to free the pilot from the airplane and–

“YOU TRY TO TAKE OUR PLANES DOWN?” says a Red as he punches Hal across his pretty mug. Jordan swiftly flies away and constructs some holders to keep the plane afloat.

And while he’s doing all this, he has a flashback about one time when he had to eject from his own downing plane. “I never wear the ring when I fly,” he says, reminiscing fondly about being stuck in the woods, muttering “Cowgirl” and “Rocket-Man”, which seem to be call signs. He stumbles around the snow until he is approached by what I assume are Russian bounty hunters with guns. “You have bombed your last camp, American,” says one in Russian while aiming a gun at Jordan’s face. “Find the others and put this one to sleep. He will be our prisoner.”

Then Jordan wakes up in his bed sweating in his underwear screaming “Cowgirl?!?” He realizes where he is and slumps forward. The TV news broadcasts a story about a Green Lantern violating the Freedom of Power Treaty by entering Russian Airspace in pursuit of Igneous Man. “The Global Guardians issued a statement concerning Green Lantern’s actions at a U.N. press conference today.”

The Global Guardians are like “Yeah, we don’t need the treaty! It’s getting fucking frustrating to deal with! This Green Lantern interruption sucks wangs, and if the United States won’t condemn Hal Jordan’s actions, we will!”

A woman named Julie enters the room ending their one-night stand by saying she has to go to work. As she walks out, Ollie enters wearing a sharp suit that contrasts his stupid facial hair. “Hi there, I hope I’m not interrupting breakfast.”

You’re a cunt hair away from starting World War III, nimrod. Dial it down.

Jordan is happy that Ollie doesn’t ask any further questions about the lady. He used to do that a lot with all the million other one-night stands back in the day. Jordan is thankful.

There are more pressing matters in this case, obviously. Many countries still hold onto the Freedom of Power Treaty even though, as Jordan puts it, it’s a joke. Like it or not, though, it’s international law. So suck it up and follow it before Putin pushes you out of a window.

“We have to respect international law? You drank the Kool-Aid pretty quick, Mayor Queen,” Jordan says, which befuddles me. Mayor Queen?

Ollie’s just doing his job. Fuck off.

“Someone tried to put a price on my head, Ollie. The Igneous Man tried to cash in yesterday. The Faceless Hunter was on my ass the week before. I’ve been throwing these guys into cells on their heads, but no one’s talking.”

“So who would want you dead?”

“Who would want Hal Jordan dead? That’s a long list.”

Yeah, baby. Quite infamous, aren’t we?

Hal Jordan defends himself that borders don’t exist when the Green Lantern uniform is on. “If Evil Star heads into China to steal a nuclear reactor, that’s where Green Lantern has to go.” Jordan argues that the Justice League of America never says in America. Sometimes they crossed dimensions! Argh.

Ollie argues that people are getting nervous, including other superheroes. Like him for instance! Look at him shake in anxiety!

“So what should I do?” Jordan asks incredulously. “Get my passport stamped at customs?”

While these two bicker like old biddies, Sector 674 sees a giant, jacked dinosaur thing terrorizing the planet, which draws the attention of Yellow-ass Sinestro Corps. “Arkillo of the Planet Vorn. You have the ability to instill great gear,” says a yellow ring as it flies toward the beast. “Welcome to the Sinestro Corps.”

Back to Earth already? Edwards Air Force Base, home of the Whopper, where a celebratory welcoming home is happening for Jordan, Cowgirl, and Rocket-Man. They made the world a safer place recently and they’re all here for it. Medals of honor are awarded, and that and $1.50 will buy you a bag of chips from the vending machine.

“Three months ago, these three Americans went into operational units during the combat transition of the F-22 Raptors. Targeting known terrorist camps until they were shot down…”

The three medal-winners whisper to each other about how tired they are of standing and smiling.

Man, I hate being officially recognized and awarded for heroism!

They’re about to receive their medals when a fucking jet crashes through the proceedings. Not an American jet, neither. One of them international jets from another dang country. It skids to a halt on the ground while everyone runs away from the stage. Jordan walks over to it and peaks into a large breach on the side of the cockpit, showing a dead Lantern. “Tomar Tu. Sector 2813.”

“But it can’t be…” says Jordan.

“Why not?” says his superior officer.

“Because I killed him.”

Final Thoughts

Ha ha ha ha ha, what is going on?? I have no final thoughts because this ending is impossible to parse and understand! Stupid Green Lantern comics. I’m too dumb for these.