Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Invincible, Issue #7! In the previous installment, Black Samson is a guy who lost his powers and needs to have a special suit tailored to get his powers back so that he can rejoin the Guardians of the Globe and participate in their Bingo tournaments. However, the suit has been stolen from the special superhero tailor, and we think it was Black Samson himself because he was having a fucking heart attack trying to get by without his powers. The dude is cuh-raaazy. Or maybe it was someone else who stole it? We don’t know yet. Maybe it was George Clooney.

Meanwhile, Robot is leaving the Teen Team to go join the Guardians of the Globe and participate in their three-legged races. The rest of the Teen Team acted like this didn’t matter much at all and that Robot sucked anyway. Later, Atom Eve returns to their secret meeting place (atop a suspension bridge tower), sees something she doesn’t like, says “no”, and starts sobbing. This was the cliffhanger. Time to see what that was about. Or not. Either is fine with me.

Invincible, Issue #7 [December, 2003]
Written by: Robert Kirkman

Mark gets Saturdays off from superheroics, it seems. 12 panels in a row of Mark sleeping in. He’s all tuckered out from that Friday night superhero orgy down at the interstate rest stop.

In Midnight City, at 9am, two dudes are doing illegal crimes in the darkness of the aptly named city. There is no day or night in Midnight City. “Not since the Midnight Magician succeeded in his suicide mission three years ago,” says the fat dude, the older brother. I can’t really tell what they’re doing exactly, but it involves a rocket-looking metal object and a crank. Or a level. Maybe it’s a trash can? You know what, forget I said anything.

“What if we trip an alarm?” asks the worried skinny dude, the younger brother. Well, the government started paying people to leave the city after the suicide mission. Cops are gone. Alarm-setters are gone. The only people left are holdouts and criminals! So get criming.

“Only real threat to us is Darkwing, and he can’t be everywhere,” smirks the fat one.

Then Darkwing shows up immediately. As if he’s everywhere. He looks like fuckin’ Batman without the bat ears. It’s such a ripoff that I’m coughing my lungs out right now in rage. He even has the jawline. It’s an abomination is what it is.

The criminals try to run away, but Batman… ahem, Darkwing… stops them in their tracks. After Darkwing hogties them, he gets a call from the Guardians of the Globe to reassemble. There’s Salisbury steak at the ol’ buffet! First come, first served!

Now, in Moscow, a woman is being robbed at gunpoint in broad daylight. A superhero named Kursk, who is such a ripoff of the Flash that I’m smashing my balls with a hammer in a fit of anger, knocks out the robbers in the flutter of an eye! Then he saves a cat falling from a tree in the wisp of a whisker!

Then he gets called back to base during a picnic date with a lovely Russian woman. Maybe he’ll be back before the borscht spoils!

Fuck, man. Why are superheroes always needed? Why are victims so damn needy?

In Boston, a naked woman wakes up hungover in a luxurious purple bed. The titties are almost illustrated! Hoo baby! But she is such a ripoff of Wonder Woman that I’m noosing myself while jerking off in blind fury.

She puts on a dress without underwear and descends the stairs to the kitchen where her girlfriend is making breakfast. They share a cozy kiss WHEN SUDDENLY A MOTHERFUCKING GIANT STONY SPARTAN BUSTS THROUGH THE WALL GOING AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!! “You will return with me to the other realms, War Woman. Your place is not among these mortals. Your mother is worried about you.”

War Woman ain’t about to get pushed around by her mother. She gears up and starts fighting the Stony Spartan. “I — WON’T — GO – BACK!” she screams, rendering this Spartan into a pile of quivering rocks and pebbles!

War Woman’s girlfriend is all “wtf, jesus christ.” War Woman promises to the pay the landlord for the damage AND the cost of moving her into a new place. Then she gets a call from the Harlem Globeguardians and takes off.

Who’s next? Ah, a hero from Atlantis who is such a ripoff of Aquaman that I’m eating a pan of brownies with whipped cream in a moment of peace and tranquility. There’s not much going on with him. When he gets the call back to base, he relishes the idea of some actual action and swims his way to the surface. I don’t learn his name, but’s probably something like “Chub Butt”

Next is space with heroes that are such ripoffs of Green Lanterns that something something something and another thing. They’re trying to save an alien from a space robot and it looks pretty exciting! After a few panels the robot is neutralized!

“You okay?” the faux Green Lantern (Green Ghost, as it were) asks the alien.

“I am fine… were it not for your delay I would be better.”

What a little bitch. See if we save you again in the future.

We can continue our little tryst later. Wipe the green spooge off before Darkwing sees you or he’ll go apeshit.

High above Denver, a hero who doesn’t look like anything I recognize yet (and yet I’m still rantin’ and hollerin’) is fighting a guy strapped to a tiny bi-plane. This villain has terminal cancer, so he doesn’t mind going out with a bang, so to speak. “I’m laced with enough carcinogens, and loaded down with enough hazardous materials to make Denver glow in the dark! My power source is uranium! It’s all we had to use in the old days! Yes siree! They won’t know what hit ‘em!”

This hero guy grabs this bald douchebag’s arm and launches him right into space. Bye bye, threat. Then he gets called by his team of hosers and off he goes. He’s the last one to show up in the secret Utah base. Everyone was waiting for him impatiently.

“Well…” he says. “What’s the emergency?”

Fake Flash is Floored. They all thought he sent them all here! What’s going on!

Suddenly, they all get sniped and beheaded by an unknown assailant! The last hero asks the assailant to come out and show himself! “You may have caught the others by surprise, but I won’t be so easy… you can’t hide from me forever!”

Then the assailant makes himself known. “YOU!” yells the terrified hero. “I never liked you.”

Boom. Decapitated.

It was Ned Flanders all along!

Final Thoughts

OH NO! DAD IS BAD! WHAT WILL MARK DO WHEN HE FINDS OUT IN ISSUE #89???

I’ll tell you what he’s going to do! He’s going to get a malted down at the Scooby-Doo diner and then drop a few coins at the penny arcade! Ha ha ha! Kids today!