Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “Urban Legend”! In the previous installment, Kamala is pretty good at getting shot in the gut with a bullet and not having too much of a problem with it. She offers to help Bruno deal with Vick and his weird “I need money, I’m robbing a store, I’m all tied up in the basement of an abandoned house” thing he’s got going on.

Kamala makes a costume and does some real superhero shit, such as finding Vick all tied up in the basement of an abandoned house. She’s about to save him when “the Inventor” shows up. He’s got a futuristic gun. He looks like Fauxhawk Butt-Head.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [August, 2014]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Urban Legend”

Here’s Issue #5’s splash page synopsis: “Kamala Khan has always felt different. Nerdy interests, strict parents, and now…strange shape-shifting powers. After stopping a robbery at the local convenience store (long story), Kamala learned that her best friend Bruno’s kid brother, Vick, is into some seriously bad business. Now, it’s up to Kamala to do something and save him.”

Yeah, Vick and his wacky hijinks! Always a goof.

“There’s no back exit, bendy girl. The only way out of here is through me and my kitties,” says Fauxhaux Butt-Head, cradling one of his spidery replicant robots in his arms. Kamala is sad that her first rescue mission seems to have already been foiled by a guy “with 1985 hair”. But no time to ruminate! Action! She tells Fauxhawk to move, and is surprised by her uncharacteristic display of courage and not stuttering while talking to other nerds.

Fauxhawk continues smiling and introduces himself as Doyle, the guy in charge of the Inventor’s secret stash house! So back off, missy, this is some serious Inventor-type business you’re meddling with.

Again, Kamala demands that Doyle let them out peacefully or there will be HECK TO PAY! Doyle doesn’t think that’s his problem! Vick fucked up and the Inventor will deal with him later. Kamala says no dice. Doyle says “Guess we’re gonna have to fight to the death or something,” and begins blasting lasers. Neither of these kids knows what they’re doing! A couple of scared scoundrels.

Vick’s Weasel Powers: ACTIVATE!!

Doyle unleashes a swarm of robot drones. Vick is all like “maaannn”, and Kamala is like “laaaaame”.

So they both spend some time trying to kick and crush these screeching robots, but Ms. Marvel is getting overwhelmed. Hard to focus all that energy on healing AND staying big AND fighting AND not peeing her pants ALL AT THE SAME TIME! Luckily, like an end-boss whose strength is knocked to 2/3 HP and is ready to change form, Doyle summons his robots back to him. Ms. Marvel uses this rare opportunity to…shrink herself to a miniscule size and run away. Both Doyle and Vick stand there stumped like a, uh, tree. idk

Kamala’s inner monologue is full of insecurity and self-doubt as she heads for the dang hills, referring to the “awful syrupy feeling” of failure in her stomach. Before long, she’s back at her house, 1:05am, undoubtedly about to be caught by Aamir who’s probably putzing around eating Doritos and watching Fuller House on Netflix. She sneaks through her window into her completely dark, silent house. Relieved that no one is there to catch her in the act during her various delinquencies this time, Kamala raids the fridge of a comical amount of food and passes out on the kitchen table. The last thing she thinks is how much she wants her mom.

But that feeling doesn’t last long! Kamala is awakened by the yelping and screaming of her angry Ammi. Typical stuff like “why are you disobeying your parents?” and “is this how you repay us for all we’ve sacrificed for you?” and “go fuck yourself, little lady”. Then she starts crying, which really messes Kamala up at the moment. Oh great, now Abu is awake and coming downstairs. He’s going to start yelling and crying too.

Oh yuck, mom. Gag me with a spoon and stuff.

Abu shoos Ammi away as she rants. “She’s ruining the family!” yells Ammi. “Yes, yes, I know, awful child, a real gutter beast, time to take out the trash dear, yes, yes, go eat a bottle of Mylanta and lie down for like 40 hours while I talk to our dreadful daughter,” says Abu.

HEART-TO-HEART MOMENT! Of course it is, this is the final issue of the storyline! Do you think Abu is going to take off his belt and beat his youngest child within an inch of her life?! Maybe off-panel! But right now there’s going to be a very level-headed conversation, so zip the lip and deal with it.

Abu invites Kamala to grab something to eat and sit at the table with him. Abu pleasantly asks why she’s wearing her Marvel clothes, and when Kamala admits that she had to disguise herself in order to help a friend who was in trouble, in the middle of the night no less, Abu then asks her if she understands why that would make him nervous.

Frustrated Kamala kicks into gear! “Yeah, but I’m fine! This looks way weirder than it is, I promise!” But Abu doesn’t agree that the situation isn’t serious! It’s all kinds of serious! She’s sixteen! EVERYTHING’S serious at sixteen! I, personally, was playing Metroid Prime at sixteen! IT WAS SERIOUS!

Topic change! Abu asks if she knows why she’s named Kamala, and she’s like “ewww, everyday I have to deal with such an ugly goddamned name, thanks pops. No, ok, why, because you’re jerking it to all your Kamala Harris posters? Get a grip, sir.”

Abu puts back the wallet-sized photo of Kamala Harris back in his pocket going “oh shit”.

But really, guys. She’s named Kamala because, after a problem pregnancy with her problem firstborn Aamir, doctors told Ammi that she wasn’t able to bear anymore children. But when a miracle happened five years later, Abu looked down at her gross, placenta-covered newborn daughter and saw perfection. “Kamal” = “perfect” blah blah blah. Perfect just the way she is. Needless to say, she has to live up to that bullshit or her parents won’t be happy with her. That’s what I gather from this.

That does it! It’s church all day, every day, until you gnaw your own limbs off to death!

Anyway, after a nice hug and claims of “we don’t want to make your life miserable, we just want to keep you safe and out of trouble”, Abu tells her that she’s still fucking grounded and she’ll have to talk to the Sheikh about all this post haste! “Maybe spending more time at the mosque will give you some perspective.” he says with finality as he walks away from the kitchen. Kamala grumbles. Perfect the way she is, huh? We’ll see about that! Time to finish the job! She calls Bruno back and tells her she’ll meet him at the Circle Q the next morning. She tells him to bring his big, delicious, squishy science brain! Time to finish a job. I hope plenty of Flubber will be involved.

Plenty of Flubber will most certainly be involved, because Kamala needs a new costume. Something extra stretchy so she doesn’t have to worry about involving her clothes in the whole growing/shrinking process. So cough it up, buddy! “No way, you cannot have my super snot,” utters a completely disgruntled Bruno, “I am not helping risk your neck again.” At this, Kamala claims that the kids back in that abandoned house were a bunch of loser skate punks anyway! No risks whatsoever! Did you see that one guy, he looked like Butt-Head with a Fauxhawk.

“Remember when we used to play Avengers vs. Aliens in elementary school? This is just like that, only with actual laser guns,” Kamala says to try to sell the idea. It didn’t work. Hard to imagine why. But, again, like a sap, Bruno agrees to help. Once Vick is saved, though, he’s fuckin’ out, sister. Donezo. Understand, sweetheart? It’s curtains, see.

So let’s get to work!

*Rocky Balboa montage*

She runs around a track with super long legs! She knocks shopping carts into the river with super large hands! She morphs into the background with super shapeshifting-into-a-mannequin power! She runs around Bruno’s gerbil cage! She…puts a lighting bolt on the front of her costume with mustard?

Squirting mustard on your superhero costume. It’s a thing you do.

Training Day is over! Time to settle the score once and for all. Back at the abandoned house for Round 2, Kamala prepares to not chicken the fuck out this time. Bruno warns her that the super snot Flubber stuff can’t get wet. It doesn’t work when it’s too wet. Remember that now, I’m sure it’ll play into her inevitable failure.

Ms. Marvel shrinks down and runs through the thickets of tall lawn grass. “My heart is pounding. My palms are sweating. Which is probably not good for the super snot,” she thinks, already failing! Psyching herself up and pressing on, she makes her way to the house where a couple of those cute little robot sentry drones are hanging out…

In the basement, Doyle is belittling Vick, whose mouth is duct-taped shut. He’s also wearing a hat that says “TOADS” for reasons unknown! Doyle is about to do something to Vick that brings to mind Deliverance when MS. MARVEL RIDES IN ON A ROBOT! YEE-HAW! She aims a robot-laser at Doyle and nukes that fucker!

No, he just doubles over in pain and writhes on the floor a bit. “GAAAAAH! You’re dead, bendy girl!” he wheezes as Ms. Marvel and Vick hightail out of there, blasting through a gaggle of the lesser Inventor lackeys in the process.

Outta my way, punks! I’m a hero, you see.

Downstairs, Doyle is hooting and hollering. “You think this is over? You think you’re safe now? You have no idea what you just started! He will find you!” But Ms. Marvel don’t give two shits about some stupid Inventor. She leaps over the fence with stretchy legs and dumps Vick at Bruno’s feet. Bruno is flabbergasted that Vick is, like, alive, and, like, right in front of him. Success!

Show your big stupid face, Inventor. Ms. Marvel will be ready when you are! Or something.

EPILOGUE! The Circle Q has been renovated and back in business. Bruno and his co-worker friend guy are excited to reopen the shitty 7-Eleven knockoff they both make $4.31 an hour at, but there’s a large effigy of Ms. Marvel outside the entrance that’s drawing the attention of the passersby. The effigy appears to be hanging by its neck, x’s for eyes, giant head, etc. Someone is sending a message…

…but Ms. Marvel ain’t scared. She shows up to talk to the crowd: “This guy thinks he can threaten us where we live? Ms. Marvel has a message for him… This is Jersey City. We talk loud, we walk fast, and we don’t take any disrespect. Don’t mess.”

The townsfolk are like “k.”

Who was that masked lady? Oh, wait, duh.

Somewhere in Hudson County, a decommissioned coal plant serves as the headquarters of one Mr. Edison. The Inventor. Doyle asks some nerd named Knox if the Inventor is mad about what went down in that old abandoned house the other day. Knox pretty much says “you’re screwed, dude” as he leads Doyle to Mr. Edison’s…private chambers.

Doyle sheepishly apologizes for his gross negligence the other day. They weren’t prepared for such as superhuman teenage girls, sir. Please to be forgiving, oh benevolent one.

We get the ol’ unknown-guy-in-a-giant-chair-facing-away-from-the-audience-trope. “You haven’t just created a problem, Doyle. You’ve created an urban legend.”

“AND THE LEGEND ENDS NOW!”

The Inventor, Mr. Edison, is revealed to be a man-sized bird wearing a plaid button-down shirt and a black suit coat.

Final Thoughts

Ha, what the fuck?

I like this series so far! It reminds me of Spider-Man. The Khan household seems cozy, barring the stick-up-the-ass parental units. I’m looking forward to returning to this one sooner rather than later.

KHHHAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!