Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #15 – “Crushed (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Kamala and Kamran bond for a bit over their Inhuman-ness, but Kamran turns out to be one of those stone cold asshole Inhumans who think they’re better than regular humans, and Kamala ain’t havin’ that nonsense. Also, Aamir brutally tells Bruno that he and Kamala will never get together because they’re from two different worlds, bro! Heh heh heh.

Kamran knocks Kamala out and she wakes up in a strange lair of someone called Lineage, who looks like an octopus-headed red devil wearing a suit. We don’t know much about him yet. Let’s find out more!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #15 [July, 2015]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Crushed (Part 3)”

Lineage welcomes Kamala again and motions toward old friends Kamran and Kaboom. Kaboom has a neck brace like a nerd.

Kamala is like YOU THINK YOU KNOW A GUY. YOU THINK YOU KNOW A GUY FOR 17 HOURS AND THEN YOU ALMOST KISS AND THEN HE ZAPS YOU AND THROWS YOU IN A LOCKED ROOM. YOU THINK YOU KNOW A GUY. She calls Kamran gross. He doesn’t deny it, but he does point out that that’s not how Kamala felt last night when he was ready to do the penis in the vagina thing if she was, as the kids say, DTF.

“I never thought anything like this would happen!” Kamala whines.

“Who’s going to believe that?” responds a punchably smug Kamran. “You got in the car of your own free will. As far as anybody knows, you chose to be here. You put yourself in this situation.”

Can’t argue with logic when it’s presented to you so concretely and succinctly, I always say. Kamala’s eyes bug out about this revelation. “Is he right?” she thinks. “Is this my fault? Is this what I deserve?”

Ah, the gaslighting commences!

I take back what I said about Octopus Head. It actually looks more like a, uh, a bunch of pointy crystals. “Kamran only wants what’s best for you, Kamala,” he says, lifting her chin. “Same goes for me. You’re a very powerful Inhuman, kid. You deserve to forge your own path, not take orders from a big dog and a queen on a power trip.” Ah, he’s referring to Lockjaw and Queen Medusa! I pay attention! Who says I don’t?? I will punch their butt.

In short, Lineage wants Kamala to be part of the Inhumans Rule and Humans Drool family. And what if she says no? I’ll tell you what happens if she says no. Lineage gets snarly. That’s really about it. He sneers like Elvis.

Bruno’s gonna be hanging from a meat hook by his anus in about 15 minutes.

Kamala tries to keep him talking while fumbling around her coat pocket less-than-surreptitiously for her phone and calling up Bruno, who is sitting in chemistry class getting taught by Rick Sanchez. Two rings and then a hang up on his phone, which is code for SOMEONE IS RAPING ME OR MAYBE SOMETHING NOT AS SERIOUS AND AWFUL, BUT STILL HELP PLEASE. Bruno books it from class and he’s on his way to help!

Lineage, obviously, notices Kamala moving her hand in her coat frantically and brazenly. “What’s that in your pocket?” he asks. “Definitely not a cell phone,” she answers.

“I’ve thought about your offer,” she continues, throwing the phone at his head. “My answer is no.” Then she starts running, huffing and puffing, while the three baddies give chase! Meanwhile, Bruno is belting down the streets of Jersey City like a fucking lunatic, pushing everyone out of the way, screaming into his phone to get a GPS lock on the girl of his dreams, and finding out that Kamala’s currently in New Attilan, the home of the Inhumans. What’s she doing there??

Does Bruno know about her powers? I don’t remember. I don’t think so? Maybe? Could be? Possibly? I don’t know. Fuck it.

Kamala runs down the hallways of whatever facility she’s trapped within. Kaboom tries to spark her ass and ends up catching up with her. The sparks have rendered Kamala’s powers currently useless. She has to run now with tiny little Kamala-sized legs. Darn.

Kamala heads toward the two lumpy-headed jail cell guards. She slides through them less-than-gracefully.

Getting road rash is a fantastic start!

More running and escaping continues. She finds the training room and unlocks it with her handprint. “Initiate Kamala Khan training program. Legendary module.” She waits in the room, arms akimbo with satisfaction, while Kaboom catches up. “Legendary module initiatied,” the computer says as a dozen very large, grotesque monsters and robots appear before Kaboom’s eyes. They all zap her with lasers and shit while Kamala escapes out the door.

Meanwhile, Bruno is using a big stick to steer a tiny little boat while the owner of the boat yells at him. After slowly making his way to New Attilan, Bruno is like “well, now what?” The New Attilan guards stop Bruno is his tracks. “Whoa, hey, whoa! I’m cool! Queen Medusa knows me!” he stammers while the guards shove large pointy sticks in his direction. Then they grab him with the intention of throwing him in the brig. So much for a rescue! Dingus.

No longer being persued, Kamala runs around the halls looking for a doorway out. Everything looks the same, she gets lost, she finds a dead end. “Hi. You look lost,” says Kamran the Jerkhole.

“What do you want me to say, Kamran? You won? You outsmarted me? You’re right about everything? Fine. Whatever. You won. Now let me leave.”

AU CONTRAIRE, SISTER. Kamran wants you to march your butt back into Lineage’s office and apologize for making Kamran look like a fool. Kamran turns all translucent-y and winds up for a punch. It’s at this point that Kamala no longer feels guilty about breaking Kaboom’s neck. “You want a showdown?” she says. “You want to pretend this is the big climactic battle of your own personal action film? Fine with me.”

Rawr!

She grows her hand to the size of a watermelon and crushes Kamran’s fist. She throws him against a wall. It’s Ms. Marvel time! “I thought you were this romantic hero. But you’re not even a villain. You’re just a bad guy’s lackey in a pair of nice shoes.”

You go gurlfriend. Real queen shit. She tries punching him with an enormous fist and misses somehow. Kamran pulls out a little glowing marble and throws it in Ms. Marvel’s direction. She grabs it and feels it starting to explode, so she squeezes the bejeezes out of it. And then she throws it back at Kamran. “GAAAH!” he screams in large red letters, and then he’s like “YOU WIN THIS ROUND, BHHHAAAAAAAA!!!” while Kamala runs away.

Lineage strolls on over to the smoldering Kamran. “I’m just gonna come out and say it, big guy – I’m disappointed,” he says fatherly. Kamran cries and all but begs for forgiveness. He asks if he should start going after Kamala again, but Lineage says no for some reason. “See what she does next. There are other ways to make her pay.”

Anti-climactic!

Kamran points out that Kamala’s the only Khan with Inhuman powers. Her whole bloodline out of their control if they lose her. Lineage tells him that, no, she ISN’T the only Khan with Inhuman powers! Cliffhanger!

It’s going to be Aamir with the power of pooping his pants at will.

Ms. Marvel rounds a corner and sees Bruno being held up by the back of his shirt by two burly, manly guard men. “Hey, Ms. Marvel. Got your missed call. I came to help,” he says with a sheepish grin. So Ms. Marvel kicks the guards, grabs Bruno by the shirt, and runs off. Looking for a way out is a bust again… until they find a garbage chute.

They land in the river. Everything’s fine now.

Kamala starts losing it a little. Bruno hugs her and she spills everything that’s been bugging her over the last few issues. Bruno promises to pick Kamran up by the hair and drop-kick him. Kamala feels like her heart is broken. Even though, again, she only knew this guy for half a day.

She appreciates Bruno’s friendship, though! The end.

Final Thoughts

Good story! I like the part where the handsome love interest was a total jerk and Ms. Marvel handed his ass to him on a platter made out of shit.

Only one more story from the Marvel NOW! Ms. Marvel series. I’m pretty sure I’m going to find some other Kamala Khan in the future. That girl has got it goin’ on.