Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #18 – “Last Days (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Ms. Marvel teams up with Captain Marvel to go find Kamala’s kidnapped brother Aamir. The Inhumans are using him to try to turn him into a fellow Inhuman.

They find Aamir in a warehouse and he’s shrouded in green Terrigen Mist! Does he have superpowers now?! Can he fart enough gas to power a locomotive??

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #18 [November, 2015]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Last Days (Part 3)”

“So my evil ex-crush kidnapped my clueless older brother in an attempt to awaken his supposed Inhuman powers. The worst part is… I think it worked.”

Aamir is lying there half-dead, kinda like he does at home anyway. Dude “prays” but that’s just code for jerking off and playing a lot of Nintendo Switch. Anyway, the Terrigen Mist is harmless. Kamran stole it from New Attilan while no one was looking! Very crafty, this guy. Now Lineage, Kamran’s boss, he’ll let him back into his good graces! Lineage can be very brutal when he’s unhappy. He made this one girl stuff a watermelon in her vagina just for “looking at him funny”, which sounds kind of interesting actually. I don’t have a vagina, but I bet a watermelon would–

Ahem, uh. So, Captain Marvel knows that this isn’t real Terrigen Mist. Again, Aamir looks hella dead like he just inhaled a watermelon with his vagina.

Something unsettling happens. There’s a large “BA-BOOM” that sends the three of them flying across the room. Aamir gets up, holding his head, needing Tylenol and some Oxycodone stat! Ms. Marvel wonders if her brother is now an Inhuman, and Captain Marvel reiterates that this shit is not Terrigen Mist and that something else is happening to Aamir. He collapses backwards going “Buhhh…” and Ms. Marvel catches him before he hits the ground. Another BA-BOOM sends her flying. Things are confusing, and it’s not for puberty reasons. Shit is fucked up somehow.

They’re called “doctors” and they have all the Oxycodone that you can handle!

Kamran comes over to Aamir and soothes him with his sultry baritone voice. “This is a brave new world, Aamir, and we are going to live at the tippy-top of it.” Being Inhuman means perks and special offers! Send in 500 box tops and get a cool Mickey Mouse watch. They also have a secret handshake!

Aamir starts putting up his dukes like he could tear a noodle in half (he can’t), telling Kamran to stay the fuck away from Kamala and the rest of his family. Kamran is like “I’m your family now, sailor.” Aamir looks at his hands, which are swirling with a mysterious green aura. “You’ve been blasting, like, psychic force fields around yourself,” Kamran explains. “You’ve got super-powers, man.”

My dude is like “nuh uh, no way”. He doesn’t want super-powers. He wants to go home and jerk off and play Nintendo. Kamran starts freaking out. He can’t believe that anyone wouldn’t want super-powers! Aamir insists that he’s happy the way he was, all religious and proud of it. He jabs a finger at Kamran and tells him, again, to stay away from Kamala or there will be Hell to pay! Hell like a fox!

Meanwhile, Captain Marvel checks in on Ms. Marvel, who is floored by Aamir’s sticking up for her. Sibling love, ain’t it disgusting?

“What is wrong with the Khan family?!” Kamran shrieks like a Hell Fox. “Why can’t any of you recognize the opportunity of a lifetime when it comes knocking on your door?” Kamran turns into his weird translucent form and puts up his own dukes. Lots of dukes are up and it could get ugly fast.

Whoa whoa whoa, let’s stay away from the harsh language! “Duffel bag?” Kids are listening!

Kamran sends a blast of electricity in Aamir’s direction. Aamir counters with whatever the fuck he’s got. It sends Kamran flying across the room. Aamir starts to boast when he loses consciousness again and collapses. Ms. Marvel goes to help the ol’ damsel in distress.

“What’s wrong with him?” Ms. Marvel asks. “Why does this keep happening?”

“He obviously can’t control this – whatever it is,” replies Captain Marvel, the know-it-all. “He’s not Inhuman. This almost seems like some kind of allergic reaction to whatever this gas is. Those powers are not stable.”

This means it’s temporary! Good! He’ll be back to stroking his schlong to Mario again in no time. Ms. Marvel picks up her 60-pound brother and looks forward to normalcy when this is all over. Captain Marvel is like, yeah, “when” this is all over. Sorry, sister, we’re all gonna die in like two days.

Carrying Aamir like a drooling baby, Ms. Marvel traipses across the ruins of Jersey City. It’s unrecognizable to her. Cars are piled up in traffic jams on every street. People are panicking. Whores and pimps are no longer whoring or pimping! It’s madness!

Ms. Marvel carries Stupid Aamir to the school, where Bruno does his best Keanu Reeves “whoa” and asks if he’s all right. Ms. Marvel is like “not really, dingus”. She asks him to get Aamir inside the school and, like, throw water in his face or something. Waterboard the Inhuman out of him.

…but I’ve got about 2,000 things I’d rather be doing right now. Like jabbing bamboo shoots under my fingernails.

Ms. Marvel asks Captain Marvel to stay, and Captain Marvel is like “uh, no”. Then she spills some of the beans – not all of the beans – on what’s been happening. Sort of. She hands Ms. Marvel a pendant that acts as a GPS locater. They share a hug. “But — why do you look so sad?” Ms. Marvel asks. “We saved my brother, we stopped some looters, everybody is mostly ok at the school – things are going well, right?”

OH, MY DEAR SATURDAY CHILD. That shit going down in Manhattan? It sucks and it’s not going to get better. Keep doing what you’re doing and things will be cool for a while, you know? Prepare for the worst though, because not only is the worst very likely but it’s also, like, 100% likely. So there’s that. Because everyone’s gonna die! Heh heh.

Ms. Marvel is expecting an apocalypse. Captain Marvel tells her to expect oblivion. She’s disappointed you know, Captain Marvel does want to spend more time with her successor, but duty calls. “Good luck, Ms. Marvel. For what it’s worth – I’m proud of you.” Then, like a shooting star in the sky, Captain Marvel fucks off into the night.

Now what? Alone and expected to be helpful, Ms. Marvel wanders around aimlessly expecting the end of the world any minute now.

In the nurse’s office, Aamir maintains exactly NO control of his powers. He’s even told to “watch it, bruh” by Jock McStuffins. Kamala (as Kamala) pops into the office wondering what’s going on. Aamir lays out all that has happened to him in the last few hours. “[Kamran] gassed me with some weird techno mist and then I got this really heinous intestinal distress and basically started shooting out Star Wars beams all over the place.”

Kamala tells her dear brother that he might grow to like this powers. Aamir decides that it’s no way Jose on that nonsense. “I don’t aspire to this sci-fi stuff everybody is into now. I don’t read the Avengers gossip in the tabloids. I do my own thing. I go to the mosque. I volunteer. I read books. Why doesn’t anybody believe I’m happy the way I am?!”

Understand this! *poops on his face*

After Aamir is done throwing a fit, Kamala tells him that he still has to figure out these powers before someone gets hurt. After Aamir quotes a Quran verse, he tells Kamala that she couldn’t possibly know what it’s like to wake up with powers. He needs some time. Kamala storms out of the room and tells her parents (who actually did listen and flee to the school) that their son has powers now and he’s being such a duffel bag. I’ve never seen Kamala so grumpy in my life and I’ve read 17 other issues! “Why aren’t you looking out for your brother?” her mother gripes. “You know he always has his head in the clouds! How could you let this happen?”

Kamala stays grumpy.

Then she decides to tell Ammi what’s what.

She tells her that she’s Ms. Marvel.

And Ammi gives her a nice hug.

And she says “Oh, beta… I know.”

And Kamala is like “BRRT!”

Final Thoughts

Let’s wrap this sucker up before Ms. Marvel shares her secret identity with any walking, living, breathing motherfucker who crosses her path. Kids can be so stupid sometimes.