Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #17 – “Last Days (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, a giant fucking red planet that may or may not be Mars is crashing down onto Manhattan, and, meanwhile, Kamala Khan cries over the crush that betrayed her. Boo hoo, it’s called being a stinky teenager.

But now there’s bigger fish to fry. AN ENTIRE PLANET IS LANDING ON THEIR HEADS, I said. And Kamala can’t handle it alone…

So Captain Marvel shows up to be as equally helpless, so let’s see how that will turn out for everyone involved.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 3), Issue #17 [October, 2015]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Last Days (Part 2)”

Here, let me do the G. Willow Wilson recap! — “SUPERPOWERS, YES! PARENTS, BOOO!! PUBERTY??? NO WAY, GIRLFRIEND!”

Captain Marvel looks like a total cyberpunk in her getup. It’s awesome. Ms. Marvel is completely star struck and starfucked. She tries not to gibber and embarrass herself as Carol Danvers IN THE FLESH asks her if she’s ok.

“EVERYTHING SUCKS EXCEPT FOR YOU!” Ms. Marvel screams, embarrassing herself in front of her hero Carol “Captain Marvel” Danvers McGee. The two Marvels meet and greet. Captain Marvel compliments Ms. Marvel’s lightning bolt… uh… thing… on her… costume?

“I didn’t mean to camp out on your old alias – a lot of really weird things happened right around the time I got my powers, and it just sort of seemed like fate–” she begins, but Captain Marvel not unkindly tells her to shut the cunt up and listen. “How much do you know about what’s happening right now in Manhattan?” And when Ms. Marvel says it looks like the end of the world, Captain just stares at her like “well shit”.

Captain starts talking about incursion zones and colliding planets, which I know I’ve come across already. But look here, we’re not going to get into it with the boring science hoopla! Heh heh. The important thing is, can the Avengers stop it?? And, well, uh, no. Not really. “There are some things you can’t punch your way out of, honey,” says Captain. “This is one of them.”

You think superheroes are supposed to “help people”. What kind of dank-ass weed are you smoking, sister?

Captain Marvel gets existential. The fate of the world was never in your command, but the fate of YOURSELF is yada yada yada. That’s actually why she’s here. To tell YOU, Ms. Marvel, that you make the choices and hope it works out and see ya *flies away at 400 mph*

“All right,” Ms. Marvel says. “I choose to keep fighting. And I’m gonna need your help.”

“My help? Listen, I’m not even really supposed to be here.”

“Please. One hour.”

Captain Marvel smiles and says “RARARRRRRRGGGHHH, FIIIIIINE”, then Ms. Marvel explains that her crush kidnapped her brother to turn him into a Terrigen Mist Monster! It would be a step up, but we need him back I guess. Captain Marvel thinks this is a colossal waste of her time, probably, but she and Ms. Marvel start gallivanting across town. Ms. Marvel is thrilled. All smiles.

So Ms. catches up Captain: we don’t know where Kamran is or what he’s doing or how or why. Something about a river and a warehouse next to some trees and also it’s on the ground.

And because Captain is already tired of her shit, she flings Ms. over to the next building.

Get yo dank ass outta here, sister.

Captain mentions that they’ll never get anywhere – crowds and cars are backed up for miles – even though they’re launching off rooftops. Then they hear a BOOM, which isn’t very boomy. Kind of a weak boom, actually, from the standpoint of explosions.

“What happened here,” Ms. Marvel asks, reaching ground level.

“Two guys were trying to strip the metal out of an electric transformer and it blew up!” says a man with a Hawaiian shirt holding a stuffed pig. “They went that way,” he continues, pointing.

It’s three guys wearing tracksuits and weird knight head armor. Ms. Marvel fights them. She wins. She strikes a superheroly post.

The ruffians insist that they knew what they were doing! They didn’t think the transformer would blow, they’re professional transformer metal strippers! “If this is really the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, copper and wire and PVC and all that stuff is gonna get scarce. Get it while you can.”

Captain Marvel has an idea: give the civilians actual purpose so that they stop freaking out and instead do something useful like not loot and steal. “What were you before you became professional agents of anarchy?”

“Punk electricians” sounds like my shitty alt-country band that no one likes.

Ms. Marvel tells these cats to go use their skills for Good instead of Evil. Go to the school and help the AV Club get a better Wi-Fi signal. Go! Shoo!

As they walk away sheepishly, Captain Marvel commends Ms. Marvel on her persuasive abilities. Then they skedaddle to look for Aamir for some reason. While they cavort across rooftops, Ms. Marvel asks how Captain Marvel found her. Basically, she’s not very inconspicuous. Everyone has been paying attention to her for forever. “A lot of people think very highly of you,” Captain says, obviously lying. The only one who’s very high here is Bruno.

“Really? People think I’m doing a good job? I feel like such a klutz most of the time – like I’m always on the verge of screwing everything up.” After Captain tells Ms. that even Iron Man feels that way sometimes, Ms. gets all “BUHHHH” and starts asking a million questions about him. What’s his favorite color? What’s his favorite food? I heard he was shooting up heroin 25 years ago and now he can’t get paid until he’s 2/3 through shooting a movie. She makes Captain uncomfortable after mentioning his delicious, oiled muscles. Kids these days and their out-of-control hormones.

The two of them make it to the Jersey City Wharf where there are indeed about 700,000,000 warehouses. Any other leads? Like, maybe a warehouse with a big banner that says “AAMIR IS HERE” or something equally useful? Ms. Marvel remembers being dragged here by Kamran in Issue #15! Kamran was a real dillhole, Captain Marvel. Not like that chiseled, big-dicked Iron Man.

Let’s keep our eyes on the goal before you feel weird and dead.

Captain and Ms. are distracted by the sound of crying in a window. Like a baby or Chris Crocker telling everyone to leave Britney alone. They punch through a window and discover about 100 abandoned cats. Ms. gets sad and wants to take them all with them. Captain is like “uhhhh, can’t save your brother while holding an army of cats.” And now another harsh lesson of superherodom: you can’t save everyone. Now book it, nerd. We have a useless brother to save! “I’ll be back kitties,” Ms. says sadly. “I’ll be back if I can.”

She won’t be back. Those cats are gonna be hella skeletons.

“I know our job sucks sometimes. Sometimes we have to choose between a bad thing and a worse thing. But you have to remember to take care of yourself. You’re important. People need you – people love you. More than you probably realize.”

Ms. takes that to heart for about a second before emotionally moving on. It’s nighttime now, and they’re still no closer to finding Aamir than when they–

KA-BOOM! Now there’s an explosion! The Anarchy Girl named Kaboom shows up to fuck with their shit. “You know what, Ms. Marvel?! You’ve got a real talent for stumbling into big trouble.”

And it’s, like, come on now. But hey, this is one of Lineage’s henchpeople. They must be on the right track!

After a brief fight, Kaboom is like “what the fuck is this two-against-one horse hockey?” Ms. Marvel ignores that and asks where Aamir is.

“You trying to be everywhere at once, huh? Good luck. Why can’t you just leave Aamir alone? Maybe he wants to make different choices than you did.”

“You all do an awful lot of kidnapping for people who pretend to be into free will and stuff.”

“You think you’re so smart. But when this is all over and we are on top, you’ll wish you’d joined the winning side.”

You smell like a middle school boy’s locker room, Zappy McFadden.

Captain Marvel grabs Zappy by the scruff and gets into her face. “Here’s whats going to happen: you’re going to tell us where Aamir is being held. Or I’m going to lose my temper.”

Yes ma’am, right away ma’am! She points to a building that’s literally seven feet away. “He’s there. With Kamran.”

And then a “You’re too late – it’s already started.”

Ms. Marvel pulls off a window and out comes a plume of green smoke. She pushes herself in the building while Captain Marvel urges her to wait and think things through first.

They find Aamir lying supine on the floor, shrouded in mist.

Wubba lubba dub dub!

Final Thoughts

This Aamir guy better be worth it, is all I’m saying. There’s a PLANET crashing down on EARTH for criminy’s sake! Chaos! Pandemonium! Looting looting looting!