Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #6 – “Army of One (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, the Kamala golems (or “clones” as I’d rather call them) are cloning their way through Jersey City clone-ingly. They’re quickly taking over and Kamala and Bruno need to stop them before, I don’t know, the whole country is overrun by smiley, brainless Kamalas?

Things get worse when a giant clone smashes her way through Aamir and Tyesha’s engagement party. Now we have a real threat to neutralize, and Superman ain’t here to save no one! Ain’t no Superman, son! No Bat Men either, for that matter!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #6 [June, 2016]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Army of One (Part 3)”

“Easy peasy!” booms the giant, smiling Kamala clone as it ravages Grove Street. The partygoers run for cover as Giant Kamala steps on cars and mows down telephone poles. She almost steps on Aamir and Tyesha with a giant sneaker until… Ms. Marvel swoops in and holds the foot in place. “Get out of here… quick,” she strains. They get out of there quick. The giant clone continues smashing down the street while Ms. Marvel hangs onto her for dear life.

Her phone rings. It’s Bruno wondering what the FRESH HELL is going on. “Oh, nothing,” responds Ms. Marvel. “Just a twenty-foot-tall Stay Puft version of me wreaking havoc on my brother’s engagement party.”

Bruno has a wry idea. Instead of taking out all these clones one by one, how about they make something really big that takes them all out at once! Like a hydrogen fucking bomb, is that what you’re thinking, you stupid kid? And what happened to the Loki idea?

Forget Loki, Bruno wants to make a giant T. Rex to eat all the clones like this: RAWWRR! Kamala asks if he is five years old. Bruno is like “fine, it’s not a good idea, whatever”. But, ha, he already went and did it. Bye!

And yes, a dinosaur the size of Jersey City’s tallest buildings is on a dang rampage. It’s even on the news!

This dinosaur is some classic Bronx shit.

The mayor is expected to make a statement in ten minutes, which is probably going to be a permutation of “Help!” Meanwhile, Ms. Marvel’s got her giant self by the hair and is flailing around uselessly. Persuasion isn’t working. Brute force isn’t working. I HAVE AN IDEA: feed her some liquid. Are we going to try that? Because that will work. I’m calling it now.

Ms. Marvel takes out a little pendant that Captain Marvel gave her before the world ended (or didn’t end, as the case may be). It’s time to admit that she needs some help! She presses the little button on the back and waits for the cavalry to show up and give her the business.

While this is going on, Mike and Bruno enjoy a little seance. Neither of them believe in this occult hooey, but it’s a last resort. It’s not a pentagram because that wouldn’t be very family friendly for a comic book, so they use a seven-sided not-quite-a-star and place a Starbucks cup of coffee on each not-quite-a-point. This is the Loki idea we’re talking about here. Bring on the Loki.

If we accidentally summon Baphomet the Sabbatic Goat then I’m breaking up with you.

“How do you know he’ll even show up?” asks Mike.

“I don’t!” says Bruno. “But if I were some kind of all-powerful hipster viking, I’d know when somebody was trying to get my attention, even if the way they were doing it was sort of – uhh — unorthodox.”

Bruno prays for the Mischief God to show up to fix all his problems, and lo’ and behold! The rascal shows up with a bucket of popcorn. Bruno asks, wow, is that all they have to do to summon him? And Loki says “Are you psychologically impaired? I’m not omniscient. When I warded this building, I cast a mirroring spell that would allow me to look in on things from time to time. I’ve been watching you idiots dither around with your ridiculous summoning circle for the last forty-five minutes.”

While Loki chides these two children, Ms. Marvel continues wandering down the streets waiting for Captain Marvel. “What am I gonna do if she doesn’t show up?” she thinks. “Is this legit the end of Ms. Marvel? How can I be a superhero if I can’t even protect my own city from the threat I created?”

Just when Ms. Marvel thinks she snatched onto a glimmer of hope, she sees her giant clone scaling a building like the King of Kong himself! “Easy peasy!” it says. Ms. Marvel takes a glimpse of Loki floating on a purple cloud with Mike and Bruno in tow. There’s also the dinosaur there. It’s a right mess.

The Captain “Carol” Marvel “Danvers” shows up to save the day! Or at least get involved with the day, at the very least. Here’s what she does: she contacts A.F.S.S. (which I think stands for Avengers Fuck Sexy Singles) and calls for targeting all non-carbon-based humanoids. She stands there triumphantly as lightning sparks down from the sky and obliterates every golem in sight.

Go to your room and think about what you’ve done, young lady. And after that, let’s get some ice cream.

Danvers gives Ms. Marvel a caning and sends her on her way. “Can I ask a question?” Danvers says. “Are things a little bit… challenging on the Avengers right now?”

“Is it that obvious?” Ms. Marvel responds hunched like a turtle.

After a heart-to-heart that I’ll skip over because it’s lame, Danvers tells Ms. Marvel that it’s ok to say no to things. “But I like saying yes to all the things!” she complains. Danvers tells her to get her fucking priorities in order, and Ms. Marvel decides that, yeah, maybe she should go to Aamir’s wedding. OK, fine, whatever. Fine. Uggghhhh.

Iron Man streaks through the sky now and lands asking what all the hubbub is. “I don’t know,” responds Captain Marvel. “Your teammate is so overworked that she just caused a minor catastrophe in a major metropolitan area, would you consider that a problem?”

Oh ha ha, thanks Captain Marvel. You’re a real fucking hoot. She leaves, reminds Ms. Marvel to think about what she said, and Iron Man takes over. “Spill it. Whatever it is. Otherwise, you’re going to have to explain the whole thing to Patriot Pants, and you know how he is.”

So Ms. Marvel spills it. Everything. School. Family. That’s about it, actually. “Oh, kid.” Iron Man gives her a hug. “That’s what Google Calendars are for.”

In short, no one’s going to be mad if she has to deal with school and family. That shit’s her real job. This Avengers gig is just fluff. Big, marshmallowy, cloudy fluff.

And I never want to see you again! Leave forever, you little gnat!

Two Saturdays later, Kamala attends Aamir and Tyesha’s wedding. It’s a festive occasion full heathen activities such as eating pork and drinking ALL the beer. And Aamir is getting cold feet. “Sis! You gotta help me!” he grabs onto Kamala’s shoulders. “I don’t think I can do this! Tyesha and I come from different worlds! We’re like aliens to her family! What if I mess it all up?”

Well, first of all, sir, you already messed everything up. Second of all, calm the fuck down. Third of all, Tyesha’s coming, so look sharp and shut up.

She’s wearing traditional Pakistani formal attire. He’s wearing traditional West African formal attire. Their worlds are colliding just fine. And it’s a happy wedding.

And home and family are the most important things in the world.

Unless both are broken of course.

The end.

Final Thoughts

GETTIN’ A LITTLE PREACHY! What if you’re from a broken home and your family are a bunch of assholes? What then, Kamala? Not even considering the assholes. smdh