Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #4 – “South Beach Connection”! In the previous installment, Mr. Haly’s drunk son makes a scene at the funeral, shaking his angry drunk finger at Grayson and being a dickhead about his dead dad! Wah!

Grayson finds out from Raya that one of their young circus buddies, Zane, hires assassins in Chicago. So, Nightwing pays him a visit and fucks him up a little bit and learns nothing.

After that, Grayson decides to stay with the circus full-time until he can figure out the whole dead Mr. Haly conundrum. Saiko is still out to kill Grayson.

Oh yeah, and Batgirl is gonna be in this one.

And apparently, Nightwing’s gonna have to fight a fuckin’ doppelganger too if the cover is any indication. “Will Batgirl save Nightwing in time?” Bleh, hopefully she fucks this up for all our sakes.

Nightwing (Vol. 3), Issue #4 [February, 2012]
Written by: Kyle Higgins
“South Beach Connection”

Gotham City, 24 hours ago, Batgirl is scootin’ along the highway on her Bat-Motorcycle in pursuit of a red sports car. She’s tearing up other cars on the road while she’s chasing this one. At one point she completely crunches another vehicle while using it as a ramp. She’s being way more of a terrorist on the road than the other car, as far as I’m concerned. Someone should call the police commissioner!

This guy he’s chasing is called Spinebender, and he bends his own spine! He’s a shapeshifter! Perhaps he bends others’ spines as well? Maybe that’s what makes him bad? Anyway, that’s what she’s doing in Gotham City. My best guess is that this story takes place after Batgirl (Vol. 4), Issue #3 where she and Nightwing meet up and kick each other around? Because he’s no longer in Gotham City? Continuity! Fuck it.

Because Grayson, as we speak, is boning the other redhead on the Haly Circus Train in Miami, Florida. They be bonin’ and Raya’s razzing Grayson for having never seen the Godfather, which sounds like EXACTLY the kind of thing a MAN would write a female character to do. No woman out there thinks the Godfather is the best movie in the world! Only men think that because they’re pressured to think that way by other men! ANGRY! I’m angry.

It’s a fucking circus nightmare it what it is.

Grayson promises that they can watch the Godfather in an old theater once the circus runs through its season. In fact, they’ll watch a bunch of old movies together! This makes Raya sad, because she knows that this isn’t going to last forever. “‘The answer’s in the heart of the circus’. Once you figure out who paid Saiko to kill Mr. Haly, you’ll leave and go back to your life.” she tells him, and we all know that she’s right. Raya, Grayson, Grayson’s penis, Batgirl, me, Alec Baldwin’s murdering gun, we all know Raya’s right.

Although Grayson thinks to himself, the part that she doesn’t know is that Saiko is out to kill Grayson too because someone out there thinks he’s “the fiercest killer in all of Gotham.” So there’s that too. But he’s still not going to stay with the circus permanently, he’s a big-time Gotham superhero now! Ain’t gonna give up that gig.

Remember Jimmy, the sad-ass clown from Issue #1? Me neither! But he’s smoking outside the tents right now being sad-ass and all that. He’s reading a note that we can only see a bit of, but something about “warning” and “threat” and “a deal”. Marc, Raya’s trapeze partner, asks him what he’s got there, and Jimmy “Mr. Giggles” the Clown tells Marc to mind his own cuntin’ business.

A shadowy figure asks Jimmy and Marc where he/she (I’m going to guess “she” and that it’s Barbara Gordon) can find Dick Grayson, and they point her in the direction of the train. I’m also guessing it’s Gordon because Marc and Jimmy share a guffaw and are heard to remark “Hmm…well the guy certainly has a type…”

And yes, of course it’s her. When she and Raya spot each other there’s a knowing glint in each other’s eyes. They meet and greet and it’s awkward as shit and Raya shoots an icy stare that could kill an army of baboons and she leaves.

There’s only room for ONE redhead in the town…and I hear Rupert Grint is staying at the Econo Lodge.

Barbara is completely amused as Grayson facepalms and tells her that her sudden appearance wasn’t good timing whatsoever. He asks her what she’s even doing here, and Barbara tells him that she’s working on a case that brought her to Miami. She also feels bad about the way they left things back in Batgirl (Vol. 4), Issue #3 (so there you have it), so she was looking to maybe…you know…uh…reconcile…with a penis…in a vagina!

Grayson’s mad because Batgirl insisted that she wanted to work alone. In fact, I’m checking my Batgirl notes and Grayson DID ask Batgirl if she needed help, and she was getting pissed at everyone around her for asking to help her. That’s right. I remember all that now.

Grayson tells her that he has a lot on his plate right now, and she coyly tells him to take the night off. Relax. “I’ll even let you swing first.” she tells him. And this perks him right up!

So off they go in the Miami night, both in their campy spandex, happy as clams. Two peas in a pod, these losers, with their internal monologues and their self-imposed “need” to do their crime fighting. He goes over in his head about how much he has feelings for Batgirl, how she might feel the same, blah blah blah BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH. We get it, young people like to bang. Tell it to your parents, Nightwing. OH WAIT THEY’RE DEAD. lol.

Batgirl gives Nightwing a rundown of her case. Spinebender stole two dozen microchips from Q-Core’s facility in Gotham. The stolen microchips are the closest thing on the market to what the Gotham superheroes use for their gear. She’s trailing a guy named Asimov at a hotel in Miami; he’s a custom weapon’s manufacturer. And she’s looking to interrupt Spinebender’s delivery. Got this gist now, Nightwing? This is YOUR comic book, ain’t it? And once that’s over, Grayson can go back to makin’ orgasms with the circus redhead and Batgirl will scurry back to where she belongs. Status quo.

Three hours of staking out later, this is taking longer than Batgirl thought. So they decide to talk about him and his problems! Nightwing tells her that Saiko knows his identity, which shakes her up a little. This means Saiko could know anyone’s identities — Batgirl, Batman, Robin, Red Robin, Blue Robin, Rainbow Robin, all the colorful Robins — so he has to move quickly on this little matter.

He could figure who you are, who I am, who Batman is, who Bansky is, who the entire band The Armed are, who the Max Headroom signal hijacker is, and Red Robin…well, that’s sounds pretty good right now. I could use a bite to eat!

Batgirl asks about Raya. “She’s nice.” he responds. Then he tells Batgirl that he’s going to move closer and that she should stay behind. “Uh, yeah…sure.” she says. Kids these days and their overflowing hormones, I tells ya.

When Nightwing gets closer, he hears Asimov bitch about Spinebender’s lack of punctuality. Spinebender’s never on time, I always say! It’s his most famous characteristic! Besides the spine-bending, certainly.

And just when Nightwing thinks he has everything allllll figured out, “OOF!”. He gets knocked on his ass by…well, himself. Another Nightwing! A doppelganger! “Batgirl, hit him!” says one of the Nightwings as he struggles with the other Nightwing. “Buh…” responds Batgirl.

What happens next is a bunch of panels in a row of inexplicable art and needless superhero cartwheels. Long story short, Nightwing has his hands full trying to figure out ANY way to fight Spinebender, while Batgirl starts kicking around Asimov and his troupe of bitches. Then they switch out, with Batgirl trying to figure out any way to fight Spinebender while Nightwing starts kicking around Asimov and his troupe of bitches. If it doesn’t sound exciting, it’s because it’s not. It’s not at all.

Hit Down and B! Down and B! Select start down A B!

During this bungling display of superheroism, it’s discovered that El Bender de Los Spinos “doesn’t like electricity”. How they determined this, it’s hard to tell. They zap him with electricity somehow. Can you think of many living creatures who “like electricity” in the first place? Seems like a weird aha moment to me. Seems like bad writing!

*looks up photo of Kyle Higgins*

DORK!

So, armed with the invaluable knowledge that BrentSpiner “doesn’t like electricity”, they scour the area for something completely packed to the gills with all sorts of electricity! And, since we all already know that Nightwing’s suit is loaded with electricity for some fool-ass reason, all he does grab the bastard’s love handles and give him a big ol’ jolt! Bzzt! The end!

“What did you do? I’m glass! NOOO!” he screams. Yawn. The police show up and SpinalTap and Asimov and the gang are all gonna get some TEXAS JUSTICE Miami Style! Nightwing and Batgirl are outta there!

“So what do you think’s going to happen to him?” Batgirl asks as they land back on the circus train. Nightwing answers that his vitals were still strong, so he’s alive, and maybe he can get fixed up in a lab. As for the microchips, they were all fried when Nightwing decided to be the human electric chair. Oh no, so sad, contributing to the chip shortage like this.

They get their street clothes back on. Barbara insists that she didn’t show up to make trouble; what’s going on between him and Raya is none of her business, and she wishes him the best. “I’ll see you back in Gotham sometime…former Boy Wonder.” And then she winks as she thinks about his dick.

As Barbara is walking out, Raya catches her in the train car still A-FLUTTER WITH HER SUSPICIONS.

“Listen, he’d probably kill me for saying this…” Barbara begins coyly, “…but he really cares about you, you know. You make him happy. And at the end of the day, isn’t that the most important thing? Good luck, Raya…he’s a really great guy.”

So a threesome ISN’T in the cards? I mean, I’m down if you are. No? Are you sure?

But, we see Raya an inch away from knocking on Grayson’s door, and then she decides not to and walks away.

Grayson, alone, starts ruminating again about Haly’s last words. “The heart of the circus” and all that. Then it dawns on him that, perhaps, the “heart” may not be the metaphor that had assumed. Maybe it’s less figurative than that.

In the dead of night, Grayson takes a flashlight out to the main tent and examines the wooden ring curbs. Since a circus ring is fucking huge, there most be hundreds of these little two-foot long ring curbs. It takes him an hour, but he finally spots one that looks different from the others. “It has more wear and tear than the others — like it’s been pried and hammered into place hundreds of times.” he muses. He pries it open himself and discovers a black book nestled inside, hidden away for safekeeping. The book is full of names penned in fancy handwriting. William Cobb. Benjamin Haldman. Alexander Staunton. Henry Ballard.

None of these names mean anything to him.

Until he gets to the last name.

Which is his own name.

Which means something to him.

Arguably.

Final Thoughts

You’re losing me, Higgins! This Nightwing shit sucks! Pick it up quickly, sir! I’ve got Joss Whedon’s X-Men to read too and that’s been far more interesting!